The Worst Feeling

Something a friend of mine wrote on her Facebook made me realize that movies really don't portray how life shattering and painful a breakup really is. Breakups are devastating. While my breakup technically happened just a few days before Valentine's Day, we carried on as if nothing had happened and the actual severing of the relationship happened about a month ago. These last few days, I haven't been able to sleep (it's 5am as I write this, I got up after a futile attempt at sleeping), I'm hungry but I can't bring myself to eat anything of any substance, and I can't seem to stop crying. When I do try to sleep all I can do is think and wonder what I did wrong, if he's rebounding, if there's any hope for reparations.

I went away in February, went out of state for 8 days and spent that time really thinking about what I wanted. When I realized that I was texting him every day and I wanted to share all of the things I was doing with him, I realized that I was ready to face my fear of commitment and the "L" word and realized I could really see the long haul. He was ecstatic and we were so happy, but not back together. We were just... friends with benefits that said I love you a lot. But... we would lie in bed at night and talk about the long term and  plan out trips to Europe and were so in love.

It's so hard to write this.

I'm so filled with confusion and fear and sadness.  I walk on eggshells when I send him a text and he sends me very short answers. I finally emailed him and he said he is happy with the way things are. That is, happy without me there. Am I reading too far between the lines? I want to text bomb his phone with questions, I want to be aggressive and ask why? Why when I was ready did you have this crisis? Why couldn't you have let me stay by your side through it? Why couldn't you just keep my love? Why are you not really answering the questions in my email?

I'm going to be seeing him Saturday night and I feel like it's going to be so tense. And I know I'll probably end up crying at some point. Sigh... I might actually have to call him tonight because I don't think he understood part of my email (there's some household drama that I'm wanting to avoid overall this weekend while we game). Maybe I could... maybe.