Monday, July 9, 2012

One is the Lonliest Number

You know, I have a lot of bitterness and resentment. No one has to point it out to me, I know it, full well. I have been cast aside by friends who have found other people that don't have as many emotional problems more favorable, I've had a shitty relationship that ended badly and a great one that ended with a lot of confusion that I'm still dealing with. I have a very, very few friends who actually act like they care. I read a lot of my friend's statuses on Facebook and just think "you're stupid," sometimes. I resent being discarded by people when I need them. I'm only a convenient friend when I'm stable and saying the right things and kissing asses.

I'm tired. I'm tired. I miss my boyfriend. I hate that he won't even respond to a text message. I know our breakup wasn't because of me, but when one of the stabilizing presences in my life cuts me off because he needs to take care of his own emotional stuff, well, it makes me feel like I've done something wrong. I'm going through all kinds of paranoia during this separation, that he will rebound (I have huge trust issues surrounding relationships and this scares me), that he won't want me any more, that he will choose his roommates over me, just to avoid household tension.

I think I read this blog more than anyone because I  fear losing myself. Losing relevance to everything. I spend so much goddamned time in my head because I have so few people to talk to any more, and I'm afraid half the stuff in my head wold scare them away. He was never afraid.

I resigned myself to loneliness years ago. It just... sucks. A lot.

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