A Rural Person's Review of Vegan Foods You Didn't Ask For

 

For the second year in a row, I am doing Veganuary, a month of vegan eating in the month of January. Last year was very successful for me, and admittedly, I eat vegan-- or at the least ovo-vegetarian-- most of the time any way because of cost. I consume a lot of media about veganism/vegan recipes, and living in Central Maine, often get frustrated when I can't find the products or ingredients that are mentioned by Youtubers and bloggers that live in or near larger, urban centers. Now, I will say that my local grocery stores have vastly improved in their vegan selections from last year, but I still live in a pretty rural area and by virtue of that, the demand isn't that high. I made a special trip to Portland last night after work not only to replenish some pantry staples from Trader Joe's (their hearty vegetable broth is my absolute favorite), but also to look at the selection of things I'd heard of but never seen or tried before at Whole Foods. I do want to note that these are nice-to-haves, for when you're transitioning your diet or want a treat, and in no way necessities. Most of the time I'm eating whole-food plant-based, but it's nice to have something I can just throw in the air fryer or nuke in the microwave when I'm tired or have a headache (which seems to be a majority of this month, grr, thankfully Pepsi is vegan). These are just products I've had personal experience with, but I have impeccable taste* and an adventurous palate, so you should trust me. I make no claims to the healthiness of these products, as I said, they're nice-to-have products. I'm not including milk alternatives because that is largely a manner of preference, nor am I including dairy-free yogurts because I have tried so many and some are truly awful and I have tried to erase them from my memory. I just eat the Silk vanilla soy yogurt.

In no particular order (but trying to keep similar products grouped), my list, with review, and links to relevant products.

Breakfast Sausage

1. Beyond Breakfast Sausage: These are just *chef's kiss* so good. I loved the breakfast sausage before it was available in stores, when I had it in the vegan Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich (which they apparent discontinued, what the hell) when I went to Canada. Unfortunately the consumer product is small, not a sandwich-sized patty, which sucks, but they taste so good.
2. MorningStar Farms Original Sausage Patties: These are super good, but also small like the Beyond patties. I like these as much--maybe more-- than the Beyond, and they're affordable too. These do have the benefit of coming in a resealable bag, where the Beyond come in a box that doesn't have a closure.

Egg Products

1. Just Egg Folded: You know how your favorite non-McDonald's breakfast sandwich has that egg, kind of fluffy but kind of dry, that doesn't taste like much but the sandwich just wouldn't be the same without it? That's what the Just Egg Folded is like. It's not bad, and tastes like those eggs. Processed, pre-cooked fast food eggs. Satisfying, when you really want a breakfast sandwich, and really quick to cook. Also, for a 4-serving box, way, way cheaper than the liquid Just Egg (which I haven't tried, but I've seen the price of and holy hell).

Vegan Cheeses and Spreads

1. Chao Creamery Original Slices: Are you detecting a trend in breakfast sandwich makings yet? I'll be honest, this is the only sliced vegan cheese I've tried. It's readily available where I live, and tastes/smells like white American cheese (although less salty) and melts really well. Makes a great grilled cheese sandwich.
2. Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds: Melts great, a (slightly) more affordable option for pizza cheese, but still more than normal cheese. I've never really eaten it outside of being melted on something. Because it melts great, it will definitely give you cheese burn when you bite into your pizza without letting it cool for a minute.
3. Violife Just Like Mozzarella Shreds: I'll be honest, I haven't had these since last year. They're really good, melts great, slightly more expensive than Daiya, but it seems like the price may have gone down a little. Either that, or my recollection is shitty, which is quite possible.
4.  Miyoko's Garlic Herb Cheese Wheel: Super tasty, like a wheel of Boursin, but hella expensive. A nice treat on crackers with vegetables.
5. Daiya Chive & Onion Cream Cheez Style Spread: Weird texture, not like cream cheese at all. Weird film in my mouth after. This had been sitting in my fridge a year unfinished and I just threw it out. Make mostly of oils, so it hadn't gone bad, per se, but had dried out. Not a fan.
6. Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese: Not quite cream cheese texture, and lacks that certain tang, but not bad at all (and has a little bit of protein too, since it's made from tofu). Throw some Trader Joe's Everything But the Bagel seasoning on it and you're good to go.
7. Violife Epic Mature Cheddar Flavor Block: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet.

Nuggies and Tendies

1. Gardein Seven Grain Crispy Tenders: Listen, these don't taste like much, but I love them. Maybe it's their accessibility (you can find them everywhere), maybe it's their crunch, maybe it's their low price point or the fact that they're relatively low in calorie so you can eat two servings. Who knows? These are my OG vegan nugget, and I love them. They can do no wrong, especially dipped in barbecue sauce.
2. MorningStar Farms Chik'n Nuggets: These are... meh. Like, they're not bad but if there are other, better nuggets available, I'll buy those first. These are more of a desperation nugget. Tolerable, but not my favorite.
3. Jack & Annie's Crispy Nuggets: These are really new to my local grocery store and they are really good. The outside is like a McDonald's nugget. The inside is almost there, texture-wise, maybe a little too moist, and a bit bland (all the flavoring is in the coating) but these are still really tasty, and a handy thing in the air fryer.
4. Quorn Meatless Spicy Patties: I love these. There is almost always a box of these in my freezer, Veganuary or not. They're fucking delicious. I'd rather have these than a chicken patty, any day, hands down. 
5. Sweet Earth Mindful Chik'n: Oh god this is so gross, even the sauce I covered it with couldn't save it. 

Sausages other than Breakfast

1. Beyond Sausage Hot Italian: I used these last year to veganize zuppa toscana. They're good, the flavor is there, but be warned, they get a weird, kind of slimy texture when boiled. I think it's the "casing" they use, which is made from algenate. I'd like to eventually try the normal flavor cooked like an Italian sausage.
2. Sweet Earth Ginger Scallion Sausage: These are... I go back and forth on these a little, because they have a weird aftertaste and the texture is weird due to the inclusion of seeds, but they're not bad. They're just okay. I bought them because I had a coupon and paired them with roasted vegetables. Need more garlic flavor.
3. Gardein Sliced Italian Saus'age: Again, something that is just okay. Good flavor (I threw these into a pasta sauce) but a weird texture kind of like the Sweet Earth ones. I haven't tried them unsauced but I still have some in the freezer I could cook up.
4. Sweet Earth Benevolent Bacon: No. Weird texture (it's seitan-based), weird sweet flavor, burns easily. Do not recommend. Sweet Earth does many things right, but not bacon.
5. Field Roast Italian Garlic & Fennel: These aren't bad. You have to cut the casing off first, which is annoying, but not a terrible inconvenience. I put these on a pizza. Tasty.
6. Tofurkey Plant-Based Hickory Smoked Deli Slices: Definitely not my favorite. I bought them for a sandwich to pack for hiking (I didn't want actual meat because I was afraid it would turn before lunch) and they're meh, but with other things tolerable. Not something I would buy again.

Burgers

1. Sweet Earth Awesome Burger: Of the many things Sweet Earth does right, it's burgers. These are hands-down one of my favorite plant-based faux meat burgers on the market. The price point is affordable, they're available even at my grocery store, and they taste really good and have a great texture. Another plus is that they don't reek to high heavens like Beyond burgers do, they actually smell nice and smoky when cooking. A+, highly recommend. 
2. Beyond Burger: A really good, solid burger. They smell terrible when you're cooking them, though, but they taste great and have a good texture. I do prefer Sweet Earth, but I definitely like Beyond too, they're just a bit more expensive.
3. Gardein Ultimate Plant-Based Burger: These are great. Comparable to the Sweet Earth burgers, slightly lower price point, and you cook them from frozen, which is handy and saves fridge space (but takes freezer space which for me is... premium). 
4. Dr. Praeger's Sweet Heat Beet Veggie Burgers: Just okay. Definitely doesn't taste like meat, but I don't think they're supposed to. I still have one of these in my freezer taking up valuable space so I might cook it soon. I think I don't reach for it is because it's a little higher in calorie than some of the faux meats are.
5. Trader Joe's Turkeyless Protein Patties: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet (but excited to, they have good reviews!)

I feel like I'm missing something in this category but I can't think what. I'm not putting Impossible burgers here because I haven't bought the consumer product yet.

Frozen Items

1. Sweet Earth Bowls: Another thing Sweet Earth does well are their frozen meals, namely their bowls. I love the General Tso's Tofu, but the Awesome Bulgogi is really good too (although it needs more veggies). I like to grab these from the grocery store on days that I was too lazy to meal prep something for work lunch, since the grocery store near my office has a really good selection of these.
2. Sweet Earth Big Sur Breakfast Burrito: I love breakfast burritos and this one is really good. A tad bland, but throw some chili garlic Cholula on it and you're golden. Another thing I like to grab for a quick lazy lunch or dinner, and becoming more readily available (although I usually have to go to Target or Walmart for these).
3. Gardein Saus'age & Homestyle Gravy Bowl: I am a northerner that loves sausage and gravy on biscuits and this satisfies a craving. So good. So hard to find most of the time around here, which makes me sad.
4. Daiya Meatless Pepperoni Pizza: My first impression of this pizza was taking it out of the box, when I felt like it was sold by a company who actually cared what their product looked like. It looked more like a pepperoni pizza than one made out of meat-based pepperoni, and it had a good, even distribution that weren't all piled in one spot. Cheese distribution was really good too. Aside from the visual appeal, this was tasty. I prefer to experiment with my own pizzas (frozen pizza takes up space in my freezer that just doesn't exist) but this is a nice convenience food for when I'm lazy.
5. MorningStar Farms Veggitizers Pizza Bites: These are great. When I want to eat like a 5 year old and want something pizza flavored, I pop a bunch of these in my air fryer and go to town on them. So yummy.
6. Planet Oat Frozen Dessert (Specifically, Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl): Of the non-dairy ice creams I've tried (not just because of Veganuary, but due to lactose intolerance too) this is hands-down the best, and my favorite flavor. It has the texture of dairy ice cream, and manages to be leaps and bounds cheaper than other non-dairy ice creams. I get upset when my flavor is sold out at the store. I wish it came in a size larger than a pint.
7. Ben & Jerry's non-dairy PB & Cookies: I am just not sold on this guys. It's okay, but it definitely tastes like it's made with almond milk and the texture is icy, not as creamy, and they are so, so stingy with the peanut butter in this. Like, what the hell guys? I got it because I had a coupon and that's probably the only time I would, because like their regular dairy flavors, it's expensive.
8. Oatly Frozen Dessert: Just meh. Kind of icy, not very flavorful. It took me a while to finish up a pint because I just didn't care for it that much.

I've tried some other non-dairy ice creams but I am drawing a blank on what ones because once I found the Planet Oat ice cream I've pretty much stuck to that one. I think I tried the So Delicious Oatmilk Frozen Dessert and thought it was okay, but I can't even remember what flavor. It's also expensive.

Snacks on Snacks on Snacks

1. Earth Balance Vegan Cheddar Squares: Man, I do love a good square. These are supposed to be the vegan answer to cheez-its. They taste like they could be an off-brand, but in a good way. They do taste cheesy, and are satisfying. What I like most is that they have this light crispness about them that cheez-its don't have. I wish my grocery store had these because I had to find them at Whole Foods, which is a 70 minute drive from my house. 
2. Hippeas Puffs: These are okay. Weird texture. I thought I had tried a ranch flavor but it's not on their site so maybe it was the white cheddar. 

Jesus is that really it for snacks? That has to be wrong, I love snacks!

Anyway, I may update this post as I try new things, especially since I have a couple placeholders in there for stuff I have but haven't tried yet. I have a bunch of stuff I need to eat first (I see a fridge clean-out fried rice in my near future) before I start tearing into new stuff. I also didn't include beverages like non-dairy iced coffee drinks or protein shakes/powders because I've been underwhelmed by the few drinks I've found and I pretty much only use Orgain vegan protein powder/shakes.

What are your favorite vegan convenience products, and did you have the same thoughts I did? Comment below!

*Debatable

Sunday Bread

Every Saturday morning for the past month, I get up, have some sort of breakfast, and put together a no-knead bread dough to set aside. On Sunday morning, I bake. Bread was never a regular part of my diet, but having good bread, that I made by my own hand, has been a comfort. Toast fried in olive oil and rubbed with garlic, topped with fried eggs has been my dinner a few nights. Not all of my loaves have been successful; my first loaf was dense and didn't rise well. My loaf from last week was sloppy, sticky, dense, and also didn't rise well. It was tasty and chewy, but I didn't reach for it. But like all things, success and failure are learning tools. 

A lot of the articles about the recent boom in bread making during quarantine (note: you're not under quarantine) talk about the soothing nature of baking, how it's calming and helps de-stress. For me, it's helping to abate my need to hoard food. If you've been following this blog for any amount of time, or have read back, you know I've struggled with food insecurity in the past, but I have persevered with the skills I've learned from my mother to make a nutritious, filling meal from little more than bones. 

My depression has been bad lately. I want to travel and I can't. I want to see my partner, take care of him, make sure he has nutritious meals and I can't. Feeling powerless isn't something I deal well with, so I've been trying to funnel those feelings into other avenues. I still dream of a house in the woods. I bought a foraging guide and a mushroom identification guide. I've planned some time off so that I can run off to the mountains and hike for a while. When I picture myself living in the woods, I am still making Sunday Bread. It's an infinitely comforting thought, even if my life takes me in a different direction and I never have the house in the woods. Barring travel, there will be Sunday Bread every week, into perpetuity. 

Food Privilege

Today while I was at the auto dealership having my car worked on, I chatted with some friends via messenger about food. I admitted to a friend a certain smugness I felt, that I could relate to some vegans in that smugness, that meat processing plants were shutting down and meat was starting to become scarce, that I wanted to say, in my smugness "you don't need meat," but I don't say it out loud, because I have a really huge amount of food privilege and I understand that. Also I feel saddened that the demand for meat products has caused workers in the meat plants to become ill and die, and lose jobs, because I am still a compassionate person, despite a lot of empathy fatigue I've been feeling lately.

I am very, very fortunate that I am still working, that I am financially able to still access the specialty foods I buy (including being able to wait for my preferred brand of tofu to be back in stock at the grocery store, which of all things, I never expected to be sold out for two weeks), to be fussy about brands, and that my dietary choices are just that-- a choice. I am flexitarian because I choose to be, but not because of underlying health conditions, unlike a friend of mine who is vegetarian under doctor's orders and has been looking for nearly a month for red lentils that aren't astronomically high in price due to gouging (I offered her the little bit I had in a jar in my cupboard). I don't live in a food desert, and I have my own transportation to get to and from the grocery store. I have a huge amount of privilege, and I need to always be aware of that. When I first started writing this blog, I was experiencing some food insecurity. I did have food stamps, access to fresh vegetables and eggs from my sister, and I learned to make my food stretch, but looking back, I wrote some really cringey, privileged shit. It's important that I recognize that, and also recognize my food privilege now.

Sharing food is a love language for me. Nothing makes me happier than to cook for someone I care about. In the past, I have given food from my cupboard freely to friends in need, no questions asked and no expectation of repayment, and when there has been a food drive, I donated.  I have enough food. I have lots of potatoes and sweet potatoes, rice and lentils, and canned beans. I'm always happy to share what I have if my friends are having a hard time. I'm willing to make a pot of soup if someone brings their own containers for me to fill, and help people with recipes to use what they have on hand, because I'm good at throwing recipes together (I'd say maybe I should be on Chopped but I don't think they have the dishwashing budget to have me on the show). In the spirit of food sharing, I'm going to put my recipe for lentil soup below. Wine and sumac are optional, blending is optional. Switch up the cooking fats if need be. I strongly recommend the turmeric, though, so that's a spice I would recommend investing in. It doesn't look pretty but it's tasty and nutritious. I can usually get about 5 servings from it.

Lentil Soup

1 medium onion, fine dice

3 carrots, fine dice

1 sweet potato, small dice

2 stalks celery, fine dice

4 large cloves garlic, minced

1 cup small green lentils

¼ cup white wine

1 carton chicken or veggie stock

2 cups water

1 bay leaf

1 tsp dried thyme, crushed

½ tsp dried oregano, crushed

1/4 tsp turmeric

½ tsp sumac

¼ tsp black pepper

1 tsp seasoning salt

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp olive oil

Heat butter and olive oil on medium. Add onion, sweat for 3 mins. Add garlic, cook until fragrant, 1 min. Add celery, carrots, and sweet potato, cook for a couple minutes. Add wine. Add lentils and all seasonings except salt. Add broth and water and let cook for 40 minutes. Add salt, taste, adjust seasoning as needed. Blend 2 cups of soup (or more to taste) and add back to pot.

I'm Exhausted

Here's a picture I took of Skogafoss in Iceland. It's relaxing to look at.

I finish my work day completely exhausted every day these days. Today I was one of 5 people (4, later on after one left at noon) in the office that normally has about 21 people working in it. Because I am in charge of death, and a supervisor of my unit, I need to be there. Honestly, I'm glad to be there because working from home in my role is difficult, especially these days. But man, the heaviness of it all is so exhausting. My job hasn't really changed so much as how other people's jobs have been changed affects how my day goes. Where the medical examiner's office may send amendments to death certificates throughout the day, I am now seeing them done in big batches. Many funeral directors are working from home so there are challenges with reaching people. Communication is done widely through email and today I found myself directing an assignment for a staff member that isn't mine (none of my staff are in the office). When there were more staff in the office, the atmosphere was tense, negative, and heavy. It's hard to focus when it's like that. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

What's frustrating is that I have no real outlet. I came to love the gym and the stress relief it brought. This entire week the weather has been kind of garbage and I haven't wanted to go for walks, and running through the neighborhood isn't relaxing or enjoyable. Yesterday after I put my laptop away I made myself do an 11 minute weight workout because I needed to move my body, but I didn't enjoy it.

Barring exercise, I will probably be using this blog more. These are difficult, stressful times. I have a lot of resilience, but I can't help but recognize that my need to hoard food-- much like I did during my past food insecurity, back in the beginnings of this blog-- is starting to rear it's ugly head again. I have to remind myself that yes, that full canister of rolled oats, plus what is in the jar is enough. I have more cans of black beans than I know what to do with. I should probably give up bananas because they ripen too quickly. I don't need more tuna. You get it. My response to situations out of my control is to take stock of things, make lists, but it also triggers those feelings of food insecurity and financial hardship, both of which I no longer am experiencing. It's irrational, and recognizing that, writing it down, helps.

I'll be fine, and the weather will improve enough eventually so I can go running on my preferred trails. But man, I tell you, when all this is over I am running off to Iceland for a bit I think, because I know by then I will really, really need a break.

Eggs-elent!

I have an impacted wisdom tooth trying to come through, so I've been trying to find soft things to eat that don't require a lot of chewing or that I open my mouth very wide. Tonight, I cooked the last of a dozen fresh eggs from my sister's chickens, and thought back to when I first started eating egg yolks. For my whole life, up until about a year and a half ago, I was egg whites only (except in scrambled and omelettes, and then it was just one yolk per 3 eggs). I didn't like the taste of them, and was afraid of the amount of cholesterol in them. Then John brought me to a little restaurant in Augusta called Rebecca's Place where I had eggs Benedict for the first time, where I willingly ate egg yolk for the first time. And I liked it.

Mmmm...

Fast forward a little to my extended unemployment. You've read about it and my struggles with food stamps and trying to survive (and if you haven't, go ahead and read back). As money dwindled I tried to eat as healthy as possible, which meant finding cheap sources of protein. Occasionally I would score a marked-down steak or package of chicken that I could make stretch for a couple of meals, but overall, meat was expensive. My sister has chickens and often has eggs to spare (and she has fun blue and green eggs!) so I usually have some in the fridge. After having eaten the fresh eggs from my sister's chickens (who eat vegetable scraps, bugs, and grass, and have a nice area to run around), I realized why I didn't like yolk: factory farm raised chicken eggs just don't taste good. You know how we describe things as smelling like "egg farts"? That's what store-bought eggs taste like to me.

Fresh, free-range eggs taste like wonderful sunshine. And I have to have that wonderful sunshine cooked a specific way: sunny side up (very runny) and fried in butter with Johnny's Seasoning Salt sprinkled on them, with some sort of bread vehicle for the yolk (but I've found hash browns or fried potatoes work amazingly well too). I still love eggs Benedict, though. There's a certain sensuality to fresh, creamy egg yolk coating your lips, and it's so much better for you than factory farmed eggs.

For those of you that don't like egg yolk, I challenge you to find fresh, local eggs. You'll find that they taste so much better than anything you can buy in the store.

Quick, Add This to Your Wine List!

Last night I drank a bottle of Roscato Rosso Dolce for, er, scientific reasons. I'd seen so-called "red moscatos" at the grocery store and wanted to give them a try, the only problem was that the only ones available were on my Absolutely Undrinkable list (ie; Gallo, Barefoot, etc. as listed in My Not-Quite-Difinitive Wine List). I felt defeated as I started to leave the wine aisle, but then as I got closer to proseccos  I saw the Roscato Rosso Dolce on the shelf, for the right price of $9.99. Let me preface this by saying I don't like red wine. I've tried. I just don't care for it. I did approach this bottle with trepidation, and when I sniffed after opening, I was apprehensive. It smelled like red wine. I took a sip. It was like cherry-grape with raspberries and pink bubbles. It was delightfully sweet like traditional moscatos, with just enough bubble, and none of the harsh tannin flavor that I associate with traditional red wine. Folks, I have a new favorite that will grace my fridge! And judging from this online wine distributor (who sells it for only $107 a case!) I'm not the only one who fell in love at first sip as it has received glowing reviews. If you're not a fan of reds like me but like sweet wines, definitely give this a try.

My Not-Quite-Definitive Wine List

When I say "not-quite-definitive" I mean, I'm a niche market. I don't care for red wine. I used to exclusively drink Pinot Grigio, until I discovered Moscato. My lovely, sweet, bubbly heart's desire, perfect, I have determined, with everything, even red meat. So here is my penultimate (for now) list of the best of the best. And guess what guys? They're all under $15! Score! Be a cheap drunk with me, okay?

1. Villa Rosa
2. Cupcake
3. Cavit
4. Yellowtail
5. Fisheye

I first tried Villa Rosa Moscato D'Asti at a tiny Greek market in Tarpon Springs, Florida. The shop keeper offered free samples of all of the wines in stock and I eagerly asked for a sample. Have you ever tasted something that immediately made you smile? The burst of pears and peaches and subtle white grapes that danced amongst the bubbles were like happy friends. Fast forward many months when I actually found this in a local liquor store in Augusta, Maine. I may or may not have screamed and alarmed John. Okay, I screamed. And begged him to buy a bottle. And got him hooked. So far, I haven't found a Moscato to knock this off the top of my list.

Cupcake was my number one for a very, very long time. It was, you might say, my gateway Moscato. I first tried it at John's aunt's house. She'd bought it at the grocery store to try, and the bottle was empty very quickly thereafter. Cupcake makes a lot of stuff, and their Sauvignon Blanc is decent (I've used it in my mussel recipe). I've also seen that they have a line of flavored vodkas that I've been curious about. But this Moscato, again, has notes of pear and is delightfully sweet and crisp. Extraordinary with brie and crusty bread.

Cavit has been my go-to for wine for ages upon ages. I've been drinking their Pinot Grigio since I started drinking wine, I think, so it was only safe to assume that once I saw that they had jumped on the Moscato bandwagon, I had to try it. It's excellent, really, and it's honestly a tie for second with Cupcake, or just a really, really close third. It's clean, it's crisp. And if I'm opening the bottle, you get bonus bits of cork! (Seriously... I can't open wine bottles for shit, but that is an entire blog post, and possible dissertation) Of the listed wines, this is the most expensive unfortunately, so I don't get this one as often, but as wine goes, it's something like $14.99, so that's still not bad. Just not in my budget.

Yellowtail is what I drink the most regularly now because it's the second most cheap on this list. By being fourth on the list in no way makes it terrible (I'll get to that), on the contrary, it is tasty, crisp, and fruity. I have a bottle chilling in my fridge right now, for whenever I have a wine emergency. I can drink a bottle and feel okay about it, because it doesn't cost a lot. I actually tried this because John and I had bought a bottle for someone as a gift, and I got curious, so I tried some. I had my sister try it, and she was pleased to find that it did not trigger a migraine (which wine sometimes does to her). So yay Yellowtail! And, twist-off cap!

Fisheye was an unexpected surprise. I just tried it last weekend. I had stayed away because it's so cheap.  It's good, but the key is that you have to let it chill, because if it's not cold enough, it tastes like cheap wine. But properly chilled, those wonderful fruity notes come through. Now that I know it actually tastes good, I'll get it again. Also, my grocery store often has it on sale, so score! And another huzzah for a twist-off cap! No cork for me to fuck up!







So you know how I like all of these and I didn't include anything bad on the list? It's because I can't go to wonderful and yummy to absolute terrible skunk water in the same list. So, take it from an avid Moscato fan, avoid Barefoot and Gallo like the plague. They are absolutely, hands-down disgusting. Cheap wine disgusting. They didn't even taste like Moscato. Absolute crap.

Finding the Perfect Hole in the Wall

$3 Dewey's in Portland's Old Port

I'm done with chain restaurants. When I look at the menus of Applebee's, Ruby Tuesday, TGI Fridays and every other place that has loud music, TVs with sports on mute and too much kitsch on the walls, I see the same thing. And I see a lot of calories, a lot of salt, and not a whole lot of quality. In fact, my last visit to a chain restaurant was to the Olive Garden, and while the food was okay, the wait was so incredibly long and people who didn't call ahead but came after me were seated ahead of me. That just makes me angry. Before that, it was Longhorns and the salty, over-spiced tenderloin and watery margaritas served by a dead-in-the-eyes waitress who really sucked at her job, and didn't get much of a tip as a result. So fuck it. I'm done with corporate restaurants. I'm going local.

I have set myself the challenge of only eating at local places, privately owned diners, pubs, and restaurants throughout the state. I've been pleasantly surprised. I don't have much of a budget to do this, so it's slow going, sampling what's available. This weekend was a bit of an anomaly, as I got down into the Old Port, which has a ton of places to eat. My choice was Three Dollar Dewey's, a pub that has the largest selection of beers (36 on tap!) in the Old Port and some fucking amazing eats. Based on my lamb burger alone, they got 5 stars on Yelp from me. I wasn't expecting food of that caliber from a bar. Oh, and the beer was good too. Also local.

I also visited Lisa's Restaurant in Augusta on Sunday. That was not as good. When I reviewed it I gave them 3 stars but I'm willing to give them a second chance because I hear their breakfasts are excellent. Some places have a niche, you know? But I gave it an honest chance, and in a town dominated by big chain restaurants, I kept my money local. Supporting a local place is important to me too, given the economy. A restaurant is an expensive venture in any economy, and a lot get pushed out by the big chains.

One thing I look forward to when I have a job again is being able to eat out more. There are several places relatively close to my home that I've really wanted to try, including one that makes homemade doughnuts. I would go just for that, especially if they taste like my Nana's used to. Eventually, I would like to travel around the state more, and find some more hole in the wall places to try. There's some good stuff out there, I just know it!

Keeping with the Old Ways

The other night John invited me over to have a turkey dinner cooked by his roommate, Kevin (yes, I am back in John, no we are not a couple). After ensuring safe food handling had been observed (long story) I accepted, being hungry with no money to buy groceries. It was a well-cooked turkey, but the gravy was from a jar. I asked "what are you going to do with the bones?" Kevin shrugged and said "some people know how to make soup out of 'em, I don't." I looked up from under my hair, I'm sure my eyes were green as they are when I am passionate and said, almost in a movie-witch whisper "I do." My price for taking the bones was that I had to pick the carcass, which wasn't hard. I enjoy picking chicken carcasses so this was no different, and got me a gallon bag full of bones. But there was another problem: the pan drippings, which had not been made into gravy, sat a half inch deep in the roasting pan. I wanted them. All night, I would hover in the kitchen over the pan, which had not been taken care of, longing for them. And finally, when the turkey and the bag it had been cooked in had been cleared away and all the other food, that pan and the tantalizing drippings, now semi-congealed with the richness of the collagen in the bones and cartilage, sat there still. I deemed it mine for the taking, and John said if I could find a container with a lid, I could have it. I poured that golden goodness off and happily pranced with it and my bag of bones to my car, to stash them in my freezer when I got home later on.

I am, like the crow that is my animal guide, a scavenger by nature, I always have been, but it was my mother who taught me the value of bones. I grew up watching her after Thanksgiving and Christmas, once the bird was divest of its flesh, take the bones and roast them for hours in the oven and come away with a small amount of very concentrated, flavorful stock. After the Easter ham was done, she would boil the bone for pea soup (yuck). Short ribs, with their long, flat bones, were excellent for beef and barley. So having learned this, I always saved my chicken carcasses in the freezer. When buying cuts of meat, I look at the whole package and say "can these bones be of use to me?" (I've recently discovered a use for pork bones, which pleases me).

Yesterday, I took the bones from my freezer, as well as some my mother had given me from Thanksgiving, and a turkey leg I had bought in a package of three and then bagged separately  to boost quick chicken soups with flavor, and placed them in a roasting pan with onion, carrots, and a head of garlic and some water. In a slow oven, they roasted all day as I gradually added water and the broth got richer and more flavorful with each passing hour. My house smelled incredible, as if I was roasting a turkey for myself (I wish! I ordered pizza) and a few hours before I stopped the whole operation, I pulled the meaty drumstick out, cut the meat from it, and threw the bone back in the become brown with the rest. The cats and I enjoyed a tasty morsel, for even I can enjoy dark meat cooked in that broth. All in all it only yielded a quart and a half of stock, but this is valuable stuff, because a little goes a long way. One quart of it will flavor several quarts of soup. I can't wait to make some.

Yes, as I made this bone soup and thought forward to today's baking (banana bread) the thought "we keep the old ways here" kept running through my head. And it's true, as I think on my spiritual reawakening this summer and reconnection to the forest. But it's also true, cooking down bones to make stock, that these are the old ways and the youth of today (even a 40 year old man) don't know these things. It is one of those infinitesimally comforting things to know that should I truly hit rock bottom, and I'm at the butcher or the grocery store, I can ask for bones, which in today's society is throw-away trash, and make something nourishing out of it. And as I think on it, probably the best recipes have evolved from poverty, when you had to make something from nothing. So, gentle readers, if you have a chicken or turkey carcass, I will happily take your bones. If you have a prime rib, I will take the ribs. If you remove the bones from bone-in pork chops, I will take those too. This crow shall make a mighty feast on your bones.

It's Fair Season

So I whined and whined that I wouldn't get to go to the fair, and my mother, who hadn't been to the fair in years, took me to the Great Windsor Fair in Windsor Maine. I don't care about the rides any more really, except one or two, but I'm perfectly happy not going on them. I'm a little bit old timey so I really enjoy the agricultural aspects of going to the fair. I will always make a bee-line to the goats. always.

Goooooooattttt

Aside from the exhibits of large pumpkins and examples of the best of this year's squash and entries into the pie contest that I can not taste, one thing I love that people are surprised at are the horse pulls. Now on this particular trip horse pulls weren't scheduled. In their stead: ox pulls. This was a first for me. Horses, when they pull, are eager, excited, and lunge forward in their straight line to pull as far as possible before they are unhitched from the blocks and the distance measured. With oxen, you have a pair of stupid, straining, slavering, snotting bovines being poked and prodded by their handler into place. There are starts and stops and it's not a straight line as they pull, but figure eights, where in one pull I saw a man almost lose control of his team where they turned those massive ball-tipped horns toward him. No form of bovine is intelligent enough to show enthusiasm for pulling, to enjoy the challenge for the sport like a horse does. I'll stick to horse pulling in the future.

Now pulling, Herp and Derp

The fair brings all sorts of people together in one place. Senior citizens go for the fresh air and exercise, parents bring their screaming brats, teenagers walk around hoping to be seen, there are carnies trying to get everyone's attention (I had to scold my Mom for stopping and engaging with them. Eyes forward, don't engage, Mom), farmers in the cattle barns milk their cows to keep them on schedule while people gawk on. You overhear snippets of conversation here and there, see questionable wardrobe choices, bad tattoos. And then you get the Inappropriate Old Man. He's not inappropriate on purpose, he's just from a different generation where you talked about things differently. And that's kind of awesome. Mom and I were in a sheep barn, us, a woman with too many little girls all over the place in the way, and Inappropriate Old Man. As we made our way to the end of the barn, a woman was haltering and leading a ram out of an end stall. Inappropriate Old Man turned to Mom and I and said "Did you see the balls on him? They practically dragged on the ground!" Oh, Inappropriate Old Man, I want to sit at your Thanksgiving table some day!

Executioner sheep will see you at the chopping block

I may not have gotten a doughboy, and there was a gyro vendor I really wanted to investigate, but overall, my visit was a success. The sights, the sounds, the smells of all the food and the gamey sharp smell of livestock... it was all just what I was needing for this regressive summer.

Embracing Food

I've been kind of sitting on this post all day. Usually I don't care what I say, but I do have friends with varying diets and so I want to preface this that I'm not picking on anyone in particular, but I have to vent a little.

More beautiful farmer's market finds, including my weakness, beets.

I don't get the sanctimonious attitude some vegetarians and vegans (more so, it seems, with vegans) get about other people eating meat. I don't get up in their faces saying "hey, vegan, eat some meat! Why don't you eat this succulent meat?!" No. I accept that it means more meat for me and for the close friends, I just make sure that, if they're starting out exploring a vegan diet they know where to get protein (being poor, I investigate various protein sources). I understand some people go vegan or vegetarian for health reasons, some for ethical reasons. I sure as hell am very conscious of what happens in the meat industry and, while I would love to buy the humanely-raised, grass-fed beef from the farmer's market, it's really, really expensive. Prohibitively so, for someone in my situation, with no job, so I buy stuff from the grocery store that likely came from a Midwest feedlot, as much as I hate it. If I could afford it and had the freezer space, I'd buy a side of beef from a local farmer. It just tastes better. In the mean time, I'll source my veggies from them.

Mussels are incredibly cheap right now

I eat meat. I eat seafood. And with the extremely low seafood prices this summer and the high yield harvest, I am going to eat it. And finding that pork is dipping in price lately, I've been buying more of that lately, although pork has never been my favorite. As I struggle to find a job, if I'm given meat, especially with the coming Autumn and hunting season, I'm certainly not going to turn it down. I'm an omnivore, as Nature made me, and I'm going to eat what's available. It's not in my budget to be finicky. And as for growing food, I only have tomatoes, and they've got a fucking case of blight. At least hornworms can be dealt with. Otherwise, vegetables are pretty expensive, especially with the droughts going on across the country.

So, in summation, don't jump my shit because I like meat. I won't jump yours for not eating it.

The RIGHT Way to Eat a Lobster

With the price of lobster plummeting per pound, bringing it below the price per pound of hot dogs and bologna, it is becoming more and more the food of the poor like it used to be and less a food of luxury. But can we talk about how much meat people waste by eating it incorrectly? This is for all you wasteful fucks that only eat the tail: a true Mainer's guide to eating a lobster.

Step 1: Have yourself a steamed lobster

This was lobster #2 of the feast

Steamed is always better, in my opinion. When you boil them, they get waterlogged and then you just get a flood of scalding water when you open up the bug. Anyway, the lobster will always be sitting pretty on the plate like that. Flip it on it's back. Burn your fingers in the process and swear a lot. Insult its parentage.  Rip off all the little legs, continuing to burn your fingers. Attempt to suck the meat out. Fail. Dig it out with a bamboo skewer. Because I'm a masochist meticulous, I go joint by joint.

By this time, the claws are ready to be pulled off. Poke the meat out of the joints and suffer many puncture wounds from the spines. Remove the rubber bands from the claws and watch them go flying across the room or smack your dining partner in the face. If it's a hardshell lobster, you'll need to employ nut crackers and every muscle in your body to break through the claw meat. If it's a softshell (my preference) you can easily rip the shell open and remove the meat.

2. Pretend you're a pro wrestler performing a back-breaker and break that sucker in half

DO THIS STEP OVER A PLATE OR BOWL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. With a bend back and twist, separate the tail from the carapace. Water and tomalley will  come out. Tomalley is the green stuff that some people consider a delicacy and I consider gross. It's how you're raised. Due to the high mercury levels in the ocean... yeesh. I just wouldn't recommend it. Some lobsters will have orange roe. I discard those too. Set the carapace aside but do not throw it away so help you god I will stab you with a fork if I see that in the discard pile.

Take hold of the flippers on the end of the tail and bend them back-- they will snap off easily. Again, set them aside. And then, slipping your finger in the opening that the flippers made (this is almost obscene, if you have as dirty a mind as I do) push the tail meat out. Conveniently, there is a flap of meat that covers what is colloquially called the "vein" which is actually the intestine; pull this meat back and toss it in your butter, then pull the "vein" out to discard. Nom on the meat as you go or save it all for the end like me, I don't care. Moving on to those tail flippers: there is meat in there. As you can see in the above picture, there are two fins jointed together, a broad, individual fin, and then two more fins jointed together. If you gently pry apart the joints, there is a nice little lump of meat, and a paper-thin bit of meat from the flipper. Yum!

3. There is a TON of meat in the carapace

Whenever anyone throws away a carapace in my presence, I grab it. It's worth the work because there is a ton of beautiful lump meat in there.

Cthulhu shall avenge meeeeee

Peel the outer carapace off and you have the interior cartilage (see above image) which, if you can split it perfectly in half (most of the time I can't) is ridiculously easy to pick. Each hollow corresponds with a leg, pretty much, and it takes some work getting your finger in to push the meat out so you get chunks and not flakes. These are tasty bits. Just be careful not to go up to the mouth parts and brain area (lobsters don't have brains, they have... ganglia I think?) because those aren't good eats. Neither are the lungs. Those are gross.

Once I'm done with a lobster there's not a scrap of meat or a stick of butter left. I get very "in the zone" when picking bodies. Kind of like picking a chicken.

Oh yeah, and before you start your feast, make sure you have a roll of paper towels on the table, because even with steamed lobster, you're going to have juice everywhere. Places you don't even want to discuss. And as delicious as it tastes, it doesn't smell the greatest, so lemons and rubbing your hands on stainless steel will help prevent you from smelling like a fishwife for a week. Enjoy your lobster dinner!

I Cook Too Big

I  don't know how to cook small. Part of this is the way I was raised, there were four of us kids and two of those were teenage boys (granted, my brother Eric is picky as hell) but Mom had to make a lot of food, and even as everyone eventually moved out, she kept cooking too much food. By virtue of watching her, I learned that unless it was made in a soup pot or a really deep chicken fryer, it was too small.

We already know I've kind of gone into panic mode and am making huge batches of soup to put up in the freezer for my impending increased poverty. But in all honesty, this is the way I cook. Seriously. I can't conceptualize cooking for one. I just can't. Even when I try, it's still enough food for a day or two.

Or several months...

There is something undeniably comforting in my ability to cook good food in large quantities, though. It's not just soup, although honestly, I could eat soup forever. It's my favorite. Being able to make all this food means that, should one of my friends be in need and show up at my door, I can take care of them, comfort them and warm them if they're cold. Those who have come into my home and sat at my table know that if they leave hungry, it's their own fault. I've even pinched a person's collar bone and admonished them for being too thin and implored them to eat. But then again, we all know I have old-timey sensibilities. I use food and cooking as therapy, and I love to share it. Nothing makes me happier than to feed my friends. Lately, I have had no one to cook for but my freezer.

Wouldn't you want to cuddle up to this?

Hell, I even reward people who brave washing my month's worth of dishes with a meal. I mean, who would pass that up?

That Old Timey Feeling

I've often been accused of being a little bit too old-timey for my own good. One time, standing at the water cooler and coffee machines at work, a coworker said "it's definitely going to snow tonight!" I shook my head and shot him down with, "it's too cold to snow." He rolled his eyes and said "you sound like my grandmother." Fast forward to last year or so, the John era. He would watch me cook, or listen to certain things I'd say, and every other comment would be "you sound like Oma." (Oma, for those of you that don't know, is the German word for grandmother). He eventually took to calling me Kleine Oma or, in English "little grandmother" because I was so like his Oma it was kind of ridiculous.

I was vintage before vintage was a thing

I guess I just have this kind of old-fashioned, old world sensibility. I eschew mixers when making cakes and banana bread and stuff and mix by hand because I prefer to have that connection with my food. Take away my wooden spoons and you've damn near crippled me. I don't make things to freeze, I make things to "put up" and it's not shortening when it's melted, it's fat. I save my bacon fat in a container in the fridge.

It's not just cooking, either. You show me a tree and I can tell you if it's going to rain or not by the way the leaves are hanging. Give me a lake and I can tell you the same thing by looking at the water. And I'm sure there's a whole bunch of things that I can't think of at this immediate moment, but will pop out of my mouth when the time serves.

If it Looks Good, Eat It

I used to be a little bit of a picky eater, not terrible like some kids are. I mean, I turned my nose up at carrots but absolutely loved beets and spinach. As I grew up I reevaluated my tastes (for the longest time I swore I hated clams and, at a birthday party for my brother in law and father I sat there, eating my brother in law's steamers while claiming I hated clams. Guess what? I like clams) and started trying new things. I tried liver again and realized I still didn't like it. Realized that, as beautiful as it is I just don't like salmon. Realized good German sauerkraut is actually very good. I started to experiment in my cooking and realized I love the simple fresh (and sometimes pungent)  flavors of Mediterranean food. I learned how to detect the flavor notes in the things I had in restaurants and reproduced them at home.

I love food. I'm pretty damn passionate about good-quality ingredients and making delicious things from them. I'm so damn excited that my 20 year old niece is now starting to cook now that she's out in Montana (she has access to wonderful game meats and I am so jealous) and my youngest niece, just 12 years old, has been taking over my sister's kitchen for over a year now. But she isn't so willing to try new things yet. My sister needs to quote Hannibal Lecter to her: "As my mother told me, and I'm sure your mother tells you, it is always important to try new things."

Lately, I have been wanting to really explore new things in the world of food.  I blame Andrew Zimmern.

That's right. The guy that eats bugs and stuff

Really, he's kind of an inspiration. He travels all over the world, talks to people in villages who raise and produce food. Right now I'm watching an episode where he's in Finland, and it's absolutely delightful, the interaction he's having with the people he's meeting. He seems to appreciate the sustainability of crops, herds, and fish. He's so respectful everywhere he goes and he is so excited to try the new foods, no matter how gross they may seem to Western sensibilities. He even ate hákarl with grace. Also, he really opened my eye to organ meats (often referred to as offals).

I want to try organ meats. I want to buy a beef heart from the farmer's market. I want to try a lamb or calf's brain. I want to make my own bacon out of a slab of pork belly, grind by own beef and pork for burgers and sausage. I want to try more game meats (I've had deer and moose, in Maine it's hard not to). I want to make my own artisan breads (scary!) .

 Moreover, I want to travel around and try foods from different places, both in the US and abroad. I've expressed an interest in doing this locally but I have no one to explore with. What fun is it to find a hole-in-the-wall place and try something new if you're alone? The problem is, Maine is a huge state, so it would take a considerable amount of time to try to explore with the intent of eating, unless I and whatever intrepid soul just jumped in the car and drove, stopping at whatever place struck our fancy.

For now, I'll try to focus on scouring the supermarket and farmer's market for new things. I've been eying the persimmons... and waiting for the nopales although they're usually expensive.

For more info on using organ meats (really, why are we so wasteful?) Offal Good is an awesome blog.

Taking a Lesson from Hannibal Lecter

No, no cannibalism.

I'm in a shitty mood and far too irritable for any sort of structured post, so I thought I'd leave you with some words of wisdom from one of literature's most misunderstood bad guys, Hannibal Lecter.

Anthony Hopkins has a way of staring into your soul, doesn't he?

"As my mother told me, and I'm sure your mother told you, it is important to always try new things."

New things tried this week:

• Garlic Scapes
• Salad Turnips and their greens
• Fresh Figs

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sulk and watch violent movies and not write about why Hannibal Lecter is so misunderstood (it would require an entire re-reading of the books, anyway) and probably eat a lot of junk.

The Farner's Market

I just got back from the local farmer's market. I had never been. I was always too shy to approach local vendors, but today I went. Curiosity got the best of me. I am so glad.

Purple radishes, white salad turnips, and garlic scapes

Food makes me so happy, and not just because I'm a fat kid. I absolutely love beautiful, fresh produce, so when I spotted those turnips, which due to their size I first thought were a variety of radish, I was smitten. I asked about them and was quickly informed that they were salad turnips. Salad turnips. I tried one when I got home. So delicate, tender, with a very toned-down turnip taste. Not at all like the aggressive winter turnips of my childhood. Also, SCAPES. Garlic scapes are entirely new to me and where have they been all my life? I actually started chewing on one as I visited in my cousin's salon before going home because I simply could not wait (I sampled the turnip greens too, making goat noises while I chewed). So delicious. The only thing I haven't sampled yet are the radishes, because radishes are radishes pretty much, but I need to get them processed and put away before Calypso decides they're hers (I may write more on that later).

I need to go back to the farmer's market. There was also a vendor with local, grass-fed beef who I discussed beef hearts with (neither of us knew what to do with them but were curious) and one selling bison. And so many veggies. I spied beet greens too, which almost sent me into a paroxysms of "I WANT IT" but I had to remind myself that I'm growing some and to be patient. I loved that it was all fresh, and all local. The local part was the most important to me. And as a plus, farmer's markets (in Maine, at least) accept food stamps, so I was able to get my beautiful veggies without having to break my budget and keep the money in-state rather than spending it at a big box grocery store.

I just can't get over how beautiful those veggies are! I'm thinking salad. Salad? Yes. Salad.

Migraines

I often wondered if Zeus suffered migraines after the birth of Athena. She did, after all, burst from his head.

Looks like a migraine to me

Migraines (and undocumented mental health issues) are ultimately why I'm unemployed right now. They're hereditary in my family and I got my first one just around my 31st birthday. Happy birthday to me! Anyway, I have the awesomest neurologist that was ever awesome and it only took us a few tries before we found the perfect med combo and my migraines-- of which I was having roughly 8 a month-- are now down to 1 every month to month and a half.  When I do have one, I take my magical coctail: 2.5mg of naratriptan, 2 Excedrin migraine and a Pepsi. 45 minutes later I'm ready to go. Doctors would love to have a success rate like mine in their migraine patients. Come to think of it, my sister's neurologist fired her as a patient because hers were so well controlled, too. Guess we must be awesome.

I have a headache today. Not quite a migraine although the pressure is starting to bloom. I've taken Excedrin to head it off. I don't have a food trigger that I know of, but stress gets me every time. And I have a lot to be stressed about lately: money, looking for work, housing situation, relationships. It's a miracle I'm not back to daily migraines. I try to remain positive and not stress but when my depression kicks in (as I mentioned, I'm bipolar) it gets really hard. So being a complete jerk via email to the person who supports and understands me the most definitely didn't help, and definitely contributed to this headache.

Something that always makes me feel better, emotionally and physically, is cooking. And after watching one of my favorite TV chefs Ina Garten make chicken soup with matzoh balls, I'm really craving homemade soup. Since my chickens are all in the deep freeze (I won't be able to remove the sack with the innards) I'll have to run to the store for chicken. But I think cooking is just the therapy I need right now.