I Was Diagnosed with a Rare Disease

On Thursday, I had what I thought was going to be a routine annual eye exam: I would go in, question whether option 1 or 2 was really clearer, panic that I tell them the wrong thing and end up with the wrong prescription, and order new contacts. What I got from an optometrist who is not my normal optometrist (who honestly reminded me of my dentist so I felt kind of more comfortable with her) is that there is bleeding in one of my eyes (at my horrified expression she assured me it's nothing I would notice) and that when she was looking at my eyes with the really bright light, there were spots she could see through my iris. You're not supposed to have holes in your iris. She diagnosed me with pigment dispersion syndrome, a rare disease that only affects about 1% of the population. The pigment from my iris is flaking off into my aqueous humor and can eventually block the drainage in the back of my eye, increasing intraocular pressure and resulting in glaucoma. A type of glaucoma that develops way earlier than other forms of glaucoma. I meet a few of the risk factors: myopia, age, and I am White. It's in the very early stages right now. She didn't link the bleeding to this so I'll go back in 3 months for her to check on the bleeding issue, and in 6 months to check my IOP and check on my optic nerve to make sure there is no damage. But there's nothing I can do, no treatment or preventative. The only treatments are for when it progresses into glaucoma, if it does (fingers crossed mine doesn't). After my appointment, I Googled like crazy, disassociated for a minute, drove back to work in tears and cried for a minute in my car. I ate my feelings that night. I needed a couple days to process. A guy I have been talking to let me word vomit at him via text and he said "that sucks but at least it's not fatal" and that's something I have to remember. It's not fatal.

My eyes are my biggest vanity, despite the disfiguring scar I have on the right side. I love my blue-grey chameleon eyes that I can make look blue or green based on what eyeshadow I wear. I've always been complimented on my eyes. While my astigmatism prevents me from seeing without corrective lenses and from wearing fun SFX contacts, I've never felt betrayed by them like I did the other day. I eat well, I exercise. Exercise may even be my eye's undoing: running--an exercise I love-- can cause further flaking of the pigments. At this point, if I experience blurring after exercise, I need to let my optometrist know, but she hasn't told me not to change anything. 

The hardest part of this is the lack of control I have over it. When my cholesterol was high and I felt like shit all the time, I changed my lifestyle and started eating better and exercising. When my bipolar disorder had me in its clutches and medication wasn't working, I started this blog. But this? I can't do anything and that makes me feel a little helpless. I hate it.
 

A Very Feminist and Animist Poem About Hiking

 How does hiking make me feel;

My thick thighs trembling

with

each

step

My calves rock hard, tense

   crashing against each other

Sweat starting, pricking my scalp

Down the back of my neck

My back

Glowing on my rounded shoulders, glinting on collarbones

Long hair like a veil sweeping it away

I like my own smell

My own odeur 

The primal scent

Mixing with the sunscreen that is sliding off, never enough

Until I am nut brown,

Freckled 

On my shoulders

My forearms bronze

Saying hello to every

Rock

Tree

Mushroom

Bird

Animal

Like they are old friends

     (they are,  my inner animist says)

You have known them before you were born and you will know them after you die and you will know them 

forever.

When I menstruate during a hike

I feel

Female with a capital F

Part of a cosmic womanhood

Embraced and swallowed by the 

Earth

Small

Insignificant

Strong

But

Easily crushed

Like the insects I swat away

Little drops of blood swelling, given to the Earth

I am She and She is Me and we are together intertwined in the woods

I. Am. Exhausted.

 I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted for a year now. Every day as new cases mount and new deaths are reported, I feel the weight of unshakable emotional fatigue. It's inescapable. I get 2 days off to recharge but it never feels like enough. With this in mind, I say, with the utmost rudeness and bluntness:

Don't ask me to do shit.

I am completely tapped out to the point of self-neglect, I don't have the time or mental energy to give to anyone else. The holidays were completely exhausting and not restful. Today is the first day I spent an hour on the treadmill in over 4 months. My running stamina is gone. I've barely worked out and my eating spiraled out of control during the last few months because I was so exhausted I couldn't bring myself to cook healthy meals or move. All I wanted to do was lay on my couch in my blanket, eating a bag of popcorn with nutritional yeast and binge watch my favorite shows. My sink is piled up, everything is a mess, and I just am not giving my labor-- physical or emotional-- to anyone right now. I need to take care of myself, because daily I am close to burnout and there is no end in sight.

So don't ask. Anything. The only person I am giving any mental energy to is my sister, because a) I volunteered to help her, b) she's my sister and has been a pillar of strength and support for me, and c) the spreadsheet she made for her business' finances was physically painful to look at. But that's it. 

I'm going to sit here with my vibrantly green post-workout smoothie and do whatever the hell I want to do with my free time. Maybe I'll log back into WoW. Maybe I'll read. Maybe I'll start a craft project. But it will be for my own mental health, and not anyone else's. 

On a completely separate note, I'm noticing a lot of hits to my blog from around the world, and a lot of my much, much older posts getting repeat hits. I wonder if they're bots or real people? If you are a real person, say hello, and tell me what brought you here. I'm curious, and Google analytics isn't very intuitive.

A Rural Person's Review of Vegan Foods You Didn't Ask For

 

For the second year in a row, I am doing Veganuary, a month of vegan eating in the month of January. Last year was very successful for me, and admittedly, I eat vegan-- or at the least ovo-vegetarian-- most of the time any way because of cost. I consume a lot of media about veganism/vegan recipes, and living in Central Maine, often get frustrated when I can't find the products or ingredients that are mentioned by Youtubers and bloggers that live in or near larger, urban centers. Now, I will say that my local grocery stores have vastly improved in their vegan selections from last year, but I still live in a pretty rural area and by virtue of that, the demand isn't that high. I made a special trip to Portland last night after work not only to replenish some pantry staples from Trader Joe's (their hearty vegetable broth is my absolute favorite), but also to look at the selection of things I'd heard of but never seen or tried before at Whole Foods. I do want to note that these are nice-to-haves, for when you're transitioning your diet or want a treat, and in no way necessities. Most of the time I'm eating whole-food plant-based, but it's nice to have something I can just throw in the air fryer or nuke in the microwave when I'm tired or have a headache (which seems to be a majority of this month, grr, thankfully Pepsi is vegan). These are just products I've had personal experience with, but I have impeccable taste* and an adventurous palate, so you should trust me. I make no claims to the healthiness of these products, as I said, they're nice-to-have products. I'm not including milk alternatives because that is largely a manner of preference, nor am I including dairy-free yogurts because I have tried so many and some are truly awful and I have tried to erase them from my memory. I just eat the Silk vanilla soy yogurt.

In no particular order (but trying to keep similar products grouped), my list, with review, and links to relevant products.

Breakfast Sausage

1. Beyond Breakfast Sausage: These are just *chef's kiss* so good. I loved the breakfast sausage before it was available in stores, when I had it in the vegan Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich (which they apparent discontinued, what the hell) when I went to Canada. Unfortunately the consumer product is small, not a sandwich-sized patty, which sucks, but they taste so good.
2. MorningStar Farms Original Sausage Patties: These are super good, but also small like the Beyond patties. I like these as much--maybe more-- than the Beyond, and they're affordable too. These do have the benefit of coming in a resealable bag, where the Beyond come in a box that doesn't have a closure.

Egg Products

1. Just Egg Folded: You know how your favorite non-McDonald's breakfast sandwich has that egg, kind of fluffy but kind of dry, that doesn't taste like much but the sandwich just wouldn't be the same without it? That's what the Just Egg Folded is like. It's not bad, and tastes like those eggs. Processed, pre-cooked fast food eggs. Satisfying, when you really want a breakfast sandwich, and really quick to cook. Also, for a 4-serving box, way, way cheaper than the liquid Just Egg (which I haven't tried, but I've seen the price of and holy hell).

Vegan Cheeses and Spreads

1. Chao Creamery Original Slices: Are you detecting a trend in breakfast sandwich makings yet? I'll be honest, this is the only sliced vegan cheese I've tried. It's readily available where I live, and tastes/smells like white American cheese (although less salty) and melts really well. Makes a great grilled cheese sandwich.
2. Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds: Melts great, a (slightly) more affordable option for pizza cheese, but still more than normal cheese. I've never really eaten it outside of being melted on something. Because it melts great, it will definitely give you cheese burn when you bite into your pizza without letting it cool for a minute.
3. Violife Just Like Mozzarella Shreds: I'll be honest, I haven't had these since last year. They're really good, melts great, slightly more expensive than Daiya, but it seems like the price may have gone down a little. Either that, or my recollection is shitty, which is quite possible.
4.  Miyoko's Garlic Herb Cheese Wheel: Super tasty, like a wheel of Boursin, but hella expensive. A nice treat on crackers with vegetables.
5. Daiya Chive & Onion Cream Cheez Style Spread: Weird texture, not like cream cheese at all. Weird film in my mouth after. This had been sitting in my fridge a year unfinished and I just threw it out. Make mostly of oils, so it hadn't gone bad, per se, but had dried out. Not a fan.
6. Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese: Not quite cream cheese texture, and lacks that certain tang, but not bad at all (and has a little bit of protein too, since it's made from tofu). Throw some Trader Joe's Everything But the Bagel seasoning on it and you're good to go.
7. Violife Epic Mature Cheddar Flavor Block: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet.

Nuggies and Tendies

1. Gardein Seven Grain Crispy Tenders: Listen, these don't taste like much, but I love them. Maybe it's their accessibility (you can find them everywhere), maybe it's their crunch, maybe it's their low price point or the fact that they're relatively low in calorie so you can eat two servings. Who knows? These are my OG vegan nugget, and I love them. They can do no wrong, especially dipped in barbecue sauce.
2. MorningStar Farms Chik'n Nuggets: These are... meh. Like, they're not bad but if there are other, better nuggets available, I'll buy those first. These are more of a desperation nugget. Tolerable, but not my favorite.
3. Jack & Annie's Crispy Nuggets: These are really new to my local grocery store and they are really good. The outside is like a McDonald's nugget. The inside is almost there, texture-wise, maybe a little too moist, and a bit bland (all the flavoring is in the coating) but these are still really tasty, and a handy thing in the air fryer.
4. Quorn Meatless Spicy Patties: I love these. There is almost always a box of these in my freezer, Veganuary or not. They're fucking delicious. I'd rather have these than a chicken patty, any day, hands down. 
5. Sweet Earth Mindful Chik'n: Oh god this is so gross, even the sauce I covered it with couldn't save it. 

Sausages other than Breakfast

1. Beyond Sausage Hot Italian: I used these last year to veganize zuppa toscana. They're good, the flavor is there, but be warned, they get a weird, kind of slimy texture when boiled. I think it's the "casing" they use, which is made from algenate. I'd like to eventually try the normal flavor cooked like an Italian sausage.
2. Sweet Earth Ginger Scallion Sausage: These are... I go back and forth on these a little, because they have a weird aftertaste and the texture is weird due to the inclusion of seeds, but they're not bad. They're just okay. I bought them because I had a coupon and paired them with roasted vegetables. Need more garlic flavor.
3. Gardein Sliced Italian Saus'age: Again, something that is just okay. Good flavor (I threw these into a pasta sauce) but a weird texture kind of like the Sweet Earth ones. I haven't tried them unsauced but I still have some in the freezer I could cook up.
4. Sweet Earth Benevolent Bacon: No. Weird texture (it's seitan-based), weird sweet flavor, burns easily. Do not recommend. Sweet Earth does many things right, but not bacon.
5. Field Roast Italian Garlic & Fennel: These aren't bad. You have to cut the casing off first, which is annoying, but not a terrible inconvenience. I put these on a pizza. Tasty.
6. Tofurkey Plant-Based Hickory Smoked Deli Slices: Definitely not my favorite. I bought them for a sandwich to pack for hiking (I didn't want actual meat because I was afraid it would turn before lunch) and they're meh, but with other things tolerable. Not something I would buy again.

Burgers

1. Sweet Earth Awesome Burger: Of the many things Sweet Earth does right, it's burgers. These are hands-down one of my favorite plant-based faux meat burgers on the market. The price point is affordable, they're available even at my grocery store, and they taste really good and have a great texture. Another plus is that they don't reek to high heavens like Beyond burgers do, they actually smell nice and smoky when cooking. A+, highly recommend. 
2. Beyond Burger: A really good, solid burger. They smell terrible when you're cooking them, though, but they taste great and have a good texture. I do prefer Sweet Earth, but I definitely like Beyond too, they're just a bit more expensive.
3. Gardein Ultimate Plant-Based Burger: These are great. Comparable to the Sweet Earth burgers, slightly lower price point, and you cook them from frozen, which is handy and saves fridge space (but takes freezer space which for me is... premium). 
4. Dr. Praeger's Sweet Heat Beet Veggie Burgers: Just okay. Definitely doesn't taste like meat, but I don't think they're supposed to. I still have one of these in my freezer taking up valuable space so I might cook it soon. I think I don't reach for it is because it's a little higher in calorie than some of the faux meats are.
5. Trader Joe's Turkeyless Protein Patties: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet (but excited to, they have good reviews!)

I feel like I'm missing something in this category but I can't think what. I'm not putting Impossible burgers here because I haven't bought the consumer product yet.

Frozen Items

1. Sweet Earth Bowls: Another thing Sweet Earth does well are their frozen meals, namely their bowls. I love the General Tso's Tofu, but the Awesome Bulgogi is really good too (although it needs more veggies). I like to grab these from the grocery store on days that I was too lazy to meal prep something for work lunch, since the grocery store near my office has a really good selection of these.
2. Sweet Earth Big Sur Breakfast Burrito: I love breakfast burritos and this one is really good. A tad bland, but throw some chili garlic Cholula on it and you're golden. Another thing I like to grab for a quick lazy lunch or dinner, and becoming more readily available (although I usually have to go to Target or Walmart for these).
3. Gardein Saus'age & Homestyle Gravy Bowl: I am a northerner that loves sausage and gravy on biscuits and this satisfies a craving. So good. So hard to find most of the time around here, which makes me sad.
4. Daiya Meatless Pepperoni Pizza: My first impression of this pizza was taking it out of the box, when I felt like it was sold by a company who actually cared what their product looked like. It looked more like a pepperoni pizza than one made out of meat-based pepperoni, and it had a good, even distribution that weren't all piled in one spot. Cheese distribution was really good too. Aside from the visual appeal, this was tasty. I prefer to experiment with my own pizzas (frozen pizza takes up space in my freezer that just doesn't exist) but this is a nice convenience food for when I'm lazy.
5. MorningStar Farms Veggitizers Pizza Bites: These are great. When I want to eat like a 5 year old and want something pizza flavored, I pop a bunch of these in my air fryer and go to town on them. So yummy.
6. Planet Oat Frozen Dessert (Specifically, Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl): Of the non-dairy ice creams I've tried (not just because of Veganuary, but due to lactose intolerance too) this is hands-down the best, and my favorite flavor. It has the texture of dairy ice cream, and manages to be leaps and bounds cheaper than other non-dairy ice creams. I get upset when my flavor is sold out at the store. I wish it came in a size larger than a pint.
7. Ben & Jerry's non-dairy PB & Cookies: I am just not sold on this guys. It's okay, but it definitely tastes like it's made with almond milk and the texture is icy, not as creamy, and they are so, so stingy with the peanut butter in this. Like, what the hell guys? I got it because I had a coupon and that's probably the only time I would, because like their regular dairy flavors, it's expensive.
8. Oatly Frozen Dessert: Just meh. Kind of icy, not very flavorful. It took me a while to finish up a pint because I just didn't care for it that much.

I've tried some other non-dairy ice creams but I am drawing a blank on what ones because once I found the Planet Oat ice cream I've pretty much stuck to that one. I think I tried the So Delicious Oatmilk Frozen Dessert and thought it was okay, but I can't even remember what flavor. It's also expensive.

Snacks on Snacks on Snacks

1. Earth Balance Vegan Cheddar Squares: Man, I do love a good square. These are supposed to be the vegan answer to cheez-its. They taste like they could be an off-brand, but in a good way. They do taste cheesy, and are satisfying. What I like most is that they have this light crispness about them that cheez-its don't have. I wish my grocery store had these because I had to find them at Whole Foods, which is a 70 minute drive from my house. 
2. Hippeas Puffs: These are okay. Weird texture. I thought I had tried a ranch flavor but it's not on their site so maybe it was the white cheddar. 

Jesus is that really it for snacks? That has to be wrong, I love snacks!

Anyway, I may update this post as I try new things, especially since I have a couple placeholders in there for stuff I have but haven't tried yet. I have a bunch of stuff I need to eat first (I see a fridge clean-out fried rice in my near future) before I start tearing into new stuff. I also didn't include beverages like non-dairy iced coffee drinks or protein shakes/powders because I've been underwhelmed by the few drinks I've found and I pretty much only use Orgain vegan protein powder/shakes.

What are your favorite vegan convenience products, and did you have the same thoughts I did? Comment below!

*Debatable

What Hiking 100 miles in 108 Days Taught Me

Looking at the Bigelow range from Flagstaff Lake

Since all travel was restricted this year due to COVID-19, I decided in May that I was going to hike 100 miles this year, and I even took vacation time to go hike in order to beat the crowds. I didn't set a time limit for completion, and didn't disqualify duplicate hikes (you can see I visited some trails a couple times). If it was a mountain or a forest trail, the miles were counted and it went in the journal. I bought a state park pass (and used it all of two times, ha) so that I could take advantage of some of Maine's state parks. As a result of this goal, I hiked more mountains than ever before-- a total of 7, although I didn't summit all of them-- and even did some with my sister (we just won't discuss how every time I hike with her I fall). I really challenged myself to do harder, longer hikes, and as a result I beat last year's highest peak twice: first with Rumford Whitecap (which was also my sister's new highest) and then Mt. Zircon at 2,240 feet, which doesn't sound very high to experienced hikers and mountain climbers, but it was 452 feet higher than my last year's highest. So what did all this hiking teach me, if anything?

From the overlook on Borestone

• I will whine the entire way up a mountain, especially when it's steep, but I love the way my legs feel. I love the feeling of used muscles, and how they're a little tired after a rest.
• I really belong in nature. I feel most alive when I'm out in the woods
• I also really prefer being alone. I do enjoy hiking with my sister, but sometimes I just want it to be me and the forest. I get annoyed when I can hear other people on the trail.
• Hiking on day 1 or 2 of my period is fucking amazing for cramps. Honestly. I'm on my period now and wish I could've skipped out on work to go hike because I've been having miserable cramps.
• I am capable of doing more than I give myself or my ability credit for
• I can and will take a fun goal and have destructive, obsessive thoughts about it
• I'd like to upgrade my backpack to one that has a waist/hip strap for better support
• Water is heavy and bottles are hard to arrange in a backpack so that they are comfortable, and I want to eventually upgrade to a bladder
• I really can't trust any dog, especially a loose one, that I see on the trail (I got bitten)
• I feel real and true joy and gratitude for nature, which I have expressed before

Just because I've reached my 100 mile goal, I'm not done hiking. I plan on hiking until it gets too miserable out to continue, but I don't plan on winter hikes. No thank you. Plus, I don't want to invest in winter gear. What I will need to invest in is some blaze orange if I'm going to hike this fall, since some public lands allow hunting, and I don't want to be mistaken for a deer. Will I set goals for next year? Probably. I don't know if I will increase the mile count, but one thing I'd like to do is learn to camp so I can do some multi-day hikes, perhaps along sections of the Appalacian Trail or the Maine Huts and Trails network. I also want to try more challenging mountains and take advantage more of the state parks (and Acadia, which I've never been to, in my whole life of being a Mainer). One thing I do know is that I want to spend as much time out in the woods as I can for as long as I can, and that hiking is going to be a permanent lifestyle choice going forward.

Black Lives Matter

This has been a very heavy week. With the murder of George Floyd, things have been overwhelming in the world, but it's not a new occurrence and I've written about the murder of an innocent black man at the hands of the police before, and since that post, I've grown more and thought more about racial injustice in this country. I fully support the protests that are happening everywhere because shit has got to change in this country. This country was built on the genocide of indigenous people, the back of Africans that were stolen from their homes, the railroads built by Asian immigrants that were treated no better than slaves. We have a dirty, bloody history of violence and subjugation of nonwhites that is shameful. I've also taken the time to learn more about performative allyship and really stopped to think about what it means to be actively anti-racist. As a white, middle-class woman, I have no place to tell the black community how to feel, protest, mourn, or express themselves. All I can do is shut up and listen and take direction. To educate myself (because it is not on black people, or even my black friends to do that for me). It is my job as to use my nonmarginalized, privileged status to help others. I've also stopped caring about white feelings and have been plucking people off my friends list that use coded, racist language ("thugs"), respond with "all lives matter/police lives matter," or actively praise that shitbag in the White House.

During #BlackoutTuesday, I found myself disappointed. I went to graduate school in part to fight for social justice, especially after my own struggles with poverty and healthcare inequity. To see so many of my former classmates post their black square and then... nothing was, to say the least, disappointing. I did not post a square, but instead I took the time to look at the different charity funds that were set up, to read about performative allyship, to donate, and also to listen to the experiences of black people on social media. I reported hate speech on social media, including anyone who used "alllivesmatter" as a response to the Black Lives Matter movement. I read pieces written by journalists who had been shot at and gassed by the police and subsequently arrested. I also watched clip after clip of unchecked police brutality on peaceful demonstrators. It made me sick, it made me angry, and it made me frustrated with people who constantly respond with "nOt aLL cOpS!" Yes all cops. Because for every cop that beats, murders, or rapes a black person, hispanic person, indigenous person, there are the members of the force that turned a blind eye, who were complicit by doing absolutely nothing to make change. No amount of pro-cop propaganda (look at these cops dancing with kids on the sidewalk! look at these cops kneeling with the protesters!) will make me think that the police force in America is anything but a deeply corrupt institution that needs to be defunded, deconstructed, and replaced with social services that help support communities, to be healthy, safe, with access to equal educational opportunities, access to healthy food, mental health and substance use services, and healthcare, especially predominantly poor communities.

As an ally, it's my place to actively call out racism. It's my place to support and amplify black voices. It's my place to vote out corruption. It's my place to use my privilege as a means to help those that don't have it. I don't say all of this for asspats. I say all of this because as white people, we have never had to fear simply walking down the street, jogging, sleeping in our beds, going to the store, just because of our skin color. Our mothers didn't have to teach us from an early age how to act around police to avoid being assaulted or killed. It breaks my heart when my niece tells me that her best friend says "thank god my son is so light skinned" because fuck that shouldn't even be a concern for a mother with a school-aged child.

Remember, white people, this is not about you, or your feelings. If you go to the protests, remember, you're there to support, so shut up and listen and do as you're told. Have real and frank conversations with your families. Don't brag about donating (I hated to even mention it because I don't like talking about charitable gifts because I don't do it for praise), but don't be silent when it matters the most: when confronting systemic racism in the world around you and when it comes time to vote. Confront your own privilege and make yourself uncomfortable. 

If you are in the position to and want to donate money, here is a huge list to choose from. If you want to step outside of performative allyship and be better, here is an article that can steer you in the right direction. And another list of resources. Don't know how to talk to your kids about what's happening? Here's a resource that may help.

Food Privilege

Today while I was at the auto dealership having my car worked on, I chatted with some friends via messenger about food. I admitted to a friend a certain smugness I felt, that I could relate to some vegans in that smugness, that meat processing plants were shutting down and meat was starting to become scarce, that I wanted to say, in my smugness "you don't need meat," but I don't say it out loud, because I have a really huge amount of food privilege and I understand that. Also I feel saddened that the demand for meat products has caused workers in the meat plants to become ill and die, and lose jobs, because I am still a compassionate person, despite a lot of empathy fatigue I've been feeling lately.

I am very, very fortunate that I am still working, that I am financially able to still access the specialty foods I buy (including being able to wait for my preferred brand of tofu to be back in stock at the grocery store, which of all things, I never expected to be sold out for two weeks), to be fussy about brands, and that my dietary choices are just that-- a choice. I am flexitarian because I choose to be, but not because of underlying health conditions, unlike a friend of mine who is vegetarian under doctor's orders and has been looking for nearly a month for red lentils that aren't astronomically high in price due to gouging (I offered her the little bit I had in a jar in my cupboard). I don't live in a food desert, and I have my own transportation to get to and from the grocery store. I have a huge amount of privilege, and I need to always be aware of that. When I first started writing this blog, I was experiencing some food insecurity. I did have food stamps, access to fresh vegetables and eggs from my sister, and I learned to make my food stretch, but looking back, I wrote some really cringey, privileged shit. It's important that I recognize that, and also recognize my food privilege now.

Sharing food is a love language for me. Nothing makes me happier than to cook for someone I care about. In the past, I have given food from my cupboard freely to friends in need, no questions asked and no expectation of repayment, and when there has been a food drive, I donated.  I have enough food. I have lots of potatoes and sweet potatoes, rice and lentils, and canned beans. I'm always happy to share what I have if my friends are having a hard time. I'm willing to make a pot of soup if someone brings their own containers for me to fill, and help people with recipes to use what they have on hand, because I'm good at throwing recipes together (I'd say maybe I should be on Chopped but I don't think they have the dishwashing budget to have me on the show). In the spirit of food sharing, I'm going to put my recipe for lentil soup below. Wine and sumac are optional, blending is optional. Switch up the cooking fats if need be. I strongly recommend the turmeric, though, so that's a spice I would recommend investing in. It doesn't look pretty but it's tasty and nutritious. I can usually get about 5 servings from it.

Lentil Soup

1 medium onion, fine dice

3 carrots, fine dice

1 sweet potato, small dice

2 stalks celery, fine dice

4 large cloves garlic, minced

1 cup small green lentils

¼ cup white wine

1 carton chicken or veggie stock

2 cups water

1 bay leaf

1 tsp dried thyme, crushed

½ tsp dried oregano, crushed

1/4 tsp turmeric

½ tsp sumac

¼ tsp black pepper

1 tsp seasoning salt

1 tbsp butter

1 tbsp olive oil

Heat butter and olive oil on medium. Add onion, sweat for 3 mins. Add garlic, cook until fragrant, 1 min. Add celery, carrots, and sweet potato, cook for a couple minutes. Add wine. Add lentils and all seasonings except salt. Add broth and water and let cook for 40 minutes. Add salt, taste, adjust seasoning as needed. Blend 2 cups of soup (or more to taste) and add back to pot.

I Miss the Gym

Pre outdoor run selfie

My gym has been understandably closed for weeks, and I miss it. I never thought I'd be that person that works out, the gym bro who talks about her gains, who complains when she has to miss a day, but I am. Going to the gym has been stress relief for me, has shown me that my body is capable of amazing things. Yes, I can walk outside (except today because it's fucking snowing) and I have been, and while I don't enjoy it, I can run outside. Being outside is great for my mental and spiritual health. But damn, I miss running on a treadmill, where it's easier and I can go at my normal pace for 45 minutes instead of having to do intervals of uncertain pacing and watching out for traffic at the same time. I miss doing leg presses and my hip abduction/adduction exercises. I even miss my dreaded and loathed shoulder presses. I miss the satisfying feeling of muscles that have been used and are tired. Doing exercises with 5 pound weights along with a YouTube video in my living room just isn't the same. And in some way, I miss the people that I see that I never interact with: strangely, slightly androgynous guy (he used to be one of those hold the side of the treadmill and flail legs as fast as possible people), sweaty running blonde, tall skinny running guy, shorter skinny running guy, elliptical girl who does grandiose arm stretches, all the older folks that work out in their poly-knits, and the staff. I hope they're all okay. I hope they're not losing their gains. I hope they're all healthy and safe and have enough toilet paper and food.

I'm Exhausted

Here's a picture I took of Skogafoss in Iceland. It's relaxing to look at.

I finish my work day completely exhausted every day these days. Today I was one of 5 people (4, later on after one left at noon) in the office that normally has about 21 people working in it. Because I am in charge of death, and a supervisor of my unit, I need to be there. Honestly, I'm glad to be there because working from home in my role is difficult, especially these days. But man, the heaviness of it all is so exhausting. My job hasn't really changed so much as how other people's jobs have been changed affects how my day goes. Where the medical examiner's office may send amendments to death certificates throughout the day, I am now seeing them done in big batches. Many funeral directors are working from home so there are challenges with reaching people. Communication is done widely through email and today I found myself directing an assignment for a staff member that isn't mine (none of my staff are in the office). When there were more staff in the office, the atmosphere was tense, negative, and heavy. It's hard to focus when it's like that. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted.

What's frustrating is that I have no real outlet. I came to love the gym and the stress relief it brought. This entire week the weather has been kind of garbage and I haven't wanted to go for walks, and running through the neighborhood isn't relaxing or enjoyable. Yesterday after I put my laptop away I made myself do an 11 minute weight workout because I needed to move my body, but I didn't enjoy it.

Barring exercise, I will probably be using this blog more. These are difficult, stressful times. I have a lot of resilience, but I can't help but recognize that my need to hoard food-- much like I did during my past food insecurity, back in the beginnings of this blog-- is starting to rear it's ugly head again. I have to remind myself that yes, that full canister of rolled oats, plus what is in the jar is enough. I have more cans of black beans than I know what to do with. I should probably give up bananas because they ripen too quickly. I don't need more tuna. You get it. My response to situations out of my control is to take stock of things, make lists, but it also triggers those feelings of food insecurity and financial hardship, both of which I no longer am experiencing. It's irrational, and recognizing that, writing it down, helps.

I'll be fine, and the weather will improve enough eventually so I can go running on my preferred trails. But man, I tell you, when all this is over I am running off to Iceland for a bit I think, because I know by then I will really, really need a break.

Apathy in the Face of Catastrophe

It is very hard to admit to something that makes you sound like a bad person, but after all, the purpose of this blog is and has always been to examine and understand my mental illness, especially as I move through life and the challenges that come from it, whether under my control or not. People keep checking in on me during this pandemic (gentle readers of the future, I am referencing COVID-19), asking me how I'm holding up, and I just shrug and say "I'm fine." I feel apathetic, maybe a little annoyed. Yes, I am worried. I'm worried about my immune-compromised mother who also has lung issues, my aunt with COPD, my father with heart disease. I'm worried about my partner who is a healthcare provider in a hospital with confirmed cases. I am not particularly worried for me. I am not working from home, as I'm an essential employee, and my annoyance springs at all the hand wringing in the office and the whining about not being able to work from home. My staff are contractors and the concerns they have about the stability of their jobs are valid, but they've gotten all the information I have at this point.

And maybe that's it. I get multiple daily emails from my governing agency (remember I have my master's degree in Public Health and work for a department in my state's CDC) and sometimes the guidance is contradictory (Work from home! No, we want you all in the office! Here's how you can work from home!). Between that, and the media saturation, I am just so... apathetic. I'm tired. I come home from work exhausted just from the atmosphere at work. Right now I'm in a holding pattern with it; we have had no fatalities yet due to COVID-19 so I have no guidance to provide to healthcare providers or funeral homes in how the death certificates should be filled out (when it happens, I am prepared), so it's just been business as usual for me.

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel apathetic and annoyed in the face of global pandemic? I've been reflecting on this for a few days, and I think I'm falling back into patterns of coping strategy I used to employ when I was going through what I affectionately call the Great Depression of 2012, back when I started this thing. Back then, everything was terrible and catastrophic, so when something new happened, my first response was to process, analyze, dissect, and compartmentalize. I allowed myself an emotional response after, usually more of a release, and then I was done. I had processed everything, knew what I needed or needed to do, and was done with it. And this is how I think I'm responding now. As a public health worker, I've been reading about COVID-19 for months now, I've digested the available information, examined it in relation to my job, identified the vulnerable people in my life, and compartmentalized it away neatly in my mind, and am done. I know what needs to be done, what my role is, and what should happen. And now I just don't care (but I really do, this is such a difficult thing to explain).

I'm annoyed that travel is uncertain.

I'm annoyed that I can't get a tattoo as therapy.

I'm annoyed that my birthday plans have all been canceled.

I'm annoyed by all the inconveniences, like having to order out and that the grocery shelves are empty.

I'm annoyed that the gym is closed.

And if I hear one more (online) impassioned plea that "We'Re ALL iN tHiS tOgEthEr!" I may scream. My particular disdain for that phrase comes from a time that someone used it in an attack against my sister for not closing her daycare (yes, she is complying with all guidance from the CDC and yes, I went off on that person). I don't have a sense of community. I don't want to participate in virtual karaoke, I don't want to "come together." I just want to sleep through it all.

My Demons Are Always With Me

I just got home about a half hour ago from a roughly 3 mile run at the gym. It felt great, and I feel strong, but I didn't start my day feeling that way. I weigh myself every day and track in a spreadsheet, but I take my "official" weight on Fridays, which gets logged in my fitness trackers. I had been on the 187 plateau for weeks and was feeling super discouraged, so when I got down to 184 last night I was excited to finally be making downward progress. Then I weighed myself this morning: 185.5. There is nothing like gaining a pound from the previous night and only losing a pound in a week to demoralize you, especially when early in the weight loss efforts 2-3 pounds a week was the norm. I go to the gym, I run, I do resistance training. I eat a vegan diet. It was so disheartening and frustrating that it triggered some massive self image issues with me today. I felt fat, I felt unattractive, and every time I went to the bathroom, I made myself look in the full-length mirror so that I could see that I wasn't fat, and there had been no real change in my body overnight, and I had to remind myself that today is supposed to be the first day of my period (supposed to) and I always retain or gain weight around days one and two. After coming home from work and eating chips because I was feeling self-destructive, I thought I can just do 1100 calories today it's fine. But that line of thinking is dangerous and even I, who preaches to people that food is fuel, that there is no such thing as bad food or good food, can fall into disordered thinking about food from time to time. I am not anorexic, bulimic, or orthoexic (I do log all of my food and count calories, but I eat what I want) and if you are, please seek help. Thankfully, I am self-aware enough to recognize my patterns of destructive thinking and made myself go cook a delicious, healthy dinner, and then I immediately went to the gym.

My body is strong. I felt powerful while running. But I also need to realize that while exercise helps my mental health, I still live with bipolar disorder, and intrusive thoughts, depression, and mania in their many incarnations are always going to be with me, and I need to pay special attention to my moods when I make the decisions I do when it comes to weight loss. I almost didn't go to the gym tonight because I felt so bad about myself, I was going to take a rest day, be "gentle" with myself, and lay on the couch. Instead, after eating my nutritious, tasty dinner, I snapped out of it, realized I was walking the path of self-sabotage and self-loathing, and got my workout clothes on and went.

I've had self-image issues since puberty. I'd always been overweight, had acne, and didn't feel attractive. I was a late bloomer with relationships so it took my first serious relationship at 27 and being told that I was beautiful and desirable to actually believe it. But even with that confidence, self-loathing and negative body image still lurk, and when my mood dips, or I don't feel great, or I don't see the result I want to see on the scale, they come to the fore and I go back to feeling like shit about my body again. Just like with my manic or depressive episodes, I need to be self-aware of these times and overcome them. These are feelings that will always be with me, and I accept that, but it is in my power to overcome them when they rise to the surface.

Humans are the animal kingdom's best endurance runners, and I aim to live up to that. Negative body image be damned.

2019 Retrospecticus

Last year, I set out on the new year with some goals (not resolutions) in mind, mostly around exploring the world around me. And I did a lot of that. I actively started trying to lose weight in February because one of the things I really wanted to do in Iceland was ride the Icelandic horse, so I started walking, even when it was cold or I was grumpy, I went out and walked, and even a mile was so hard and my legs were so sore at first. But I kept at it, and changed the way I ate from less Western diet to more flexitarian and whole food based. When the local hospital's class booklet came out and I saw one of my old coworkers was leading a Couch to 5k class over a 12 w

eek period starting in April, I signed up, and it was hard at first, but as I lost weight and gained muscle and endurance, I found that I really, really like running; it's great stress relief. I still can't run a solid 5k but I have kept up with running, even now in the depths of winter on a treadmill. As of this writing I've lost about 52 pounds.

One of the goals I had written in my failed bullet journal (I need to stop doing those, I'm too lazy to keep up with it) was to explore more trails in Maine. I started small and local. I was already running on the Rail Trail in Augusta, and with the help of Pokemon Go (yes, really), Maine TrailFinder (PLEASE make an app!), and Alltrails, I had the incentive and opportunity to visit new places. There was nothing more liberating than researching a trail, putting on my gear, and hopping in my car for a new adventure in the woods. This was also monumentally helpful not only for my mental health, but my spiritual health. While my bullet journal page only lists the trails in Maine I hiked, I did several more outside of the state, including a 9.5 mile loop in Illinois where I got to meet so many beautiful burr oaks, and Þingellir National Park in Iceland.

 

Y'all.

I climbed three mountains this summer, including a 1,700 foot mountain I had always gazed at from the car as a child. I also hiked the rim of a volcanic crater. This has only fueled my desire to hike more and challenging peaks.

Travel was really the big goal I had this year, and I managed to visit two countries and visit a state I had never been to. My dream vacation of Iceland was finally a reality, and as you can see in the (terrible, horrible) picture of me, I did get to ride the Icelandic horse, as uncooperative as he was sometimes during the ride. My sister and I did the typical tourist trip: Golden Circle, Reynisfjara Beach and Vik, and so many waterfalls. We only had a week but we fell completely in love with the country and we're tentatively planning the next, longer trip for 2023. Before the adventures in Iceland, however, I embarked on my first solo international travel to Quebec, which, in my entire 39 years living in Maine, had never visited. I blogged about that trip after I returned, because I came back filled with emotions. You can read about that trip here. My final travel of the year, which was a little bit last-minute, was a trip to Illinois not only to visit my heart, but to go to finally see my favorite band in concert: motherfucking Tool. I'd waited over 20 years to see them live and it was worth the ticket and airfare. Illinois was quite lovely and I want very badly to go back, for multiple reasons.

I've worked really hard to improve myself. I'm proud of my weight loss, I'm proud of myself for traveling solo, for learning to be okay by myself. I've worked hard on being less negative (it's still difficult, sometimes, when I have a bad bipolar day) and am continuing on working on being a better person (my jealousy was rightfully called out). I took the leap and applied for a post-graduate certificate program, and am working toward paying down debt so that I can plan for the future.

In 2020 I will turn 40. It's never too late to do the thing, to challenge yourself, to make changes. I welcome all that comes in the coming year.

The Matriarchs of Public Health

I started thinking about entering the world of public health all the way back in 2009 when my amazing cousin Stephanie planted the seed in my head as I spiraled further and further into job dissatisfaction. Granted, I didn't act on that until 2015, and this past May, I graduated (I'm not technically finished, so I don't feel comfortable putting the credentials after my name yet since I'm not officially an MPH). In my 2 years of graduate school, I found myself inspired by our program director (who just retired from the position this month) who had, in her long career, done it all, but mostly in the realm of end of life care. But, because she had done it all, I learned some valuable skills from her, as much as they make me groan (work plans and budgets are not fun things to draft). She has stories and experience and has seen the field I'm interested in-- technology in healthcare-- literally evolve from paper charts to the sophisticated electronic medical records and health-related devices and mobile apps that we have now. She has written programming for early systems.

At my current job, I work with an amazing group of (mostly) women, and our department head is another seen-it-all-done-it-all bastion of public health. She has been doing what she does since I've been alive (seriously-- she's been in her position since 1980 and will be retiring to a per diem status in October). I started my job 3 weeks ago and probably since before I started she has been working on writing grants for future projects. Grant writing is a huge undertaking and as she explained her process to us, she said, without a shred of vaingloriousness, that she is granted nearly every grant she applies for (which is good news for my department and my job security). She knows everyone in the state, she has experiences and stories to share. She has shaped public health, disease prevention, and the spread of evidence-based health education in central Maine.

These two women remind me so much of each other, because they share so many of the same attributes: their calm demeanor, their shrewd, innovative thinking, and their soothing voices. These women that I look up to are the matriarchs of public health. When I think of leaders in public health, I don't think of men leading the way (although there have been amazing male contributors to the public health world and I've had the pleasure to learn from some very gifted scholars) I think of these wizened, caring women who have paved the way, who fight for the health and wellness of everyone in their communities, who put their nose to the grindstone to apply for grants to ensure that resources can be generated, studies performed, and health services delivered.

I'm 37, and I can't even imagine getting to that point, to that level of achievement. I admire these women so much and it saddens me that I am only now encountering them in the twilight of their careers as they prepare to retire and pass the torch to another generation. These are women who have been in public health for decades, have witnessed social change, policy change, changes in attitude toward health and healthcare delivery. These matriarchs of public health have been the backbone for people like me, entering the industry. They're grassroots people, people I can relate to, when so many of the women in my program I couldn't relate to at all. They have built the foundations of what I do, and I will forever admire and be grateful for them paving the way.

Thanks, Obama

I posted briefly on Facebook this morning, as the Inauguration proceedings were underway in Washington D.C., that I would not be participating in the Women's March locally, not because I don't support the cause (I wholeheartedly do. Dissent is political. Dissent makes change) but because I know, as a person living with bipolar disorder, that the sheer crowd would trigger a negative reaction in me. I am, however, incredibly proud of the friends and family that will be marching tomorrow, locally and in the nation's capital. It is incredibly important that we use our voices, that we stand up for ourselves, loved ones, marginalized populations, at-risk populations, humanity.

I will admit, watching footage of Barack and Michelle Obama waving farewell and stepping onto Marine One made me tear up a bit. There went one of the biggest champions of human rights, women's rights, gay and transgender rights, health, and public health. So, without a shred of irony I say, "thanks, Obama."

Thank you for the Affordable Care Act. Is it a perfect piece of legislature? No. Is it huge and incredibly complex and in need of reform? Yes. As we face a vague plan of "repeal and replace," I worry that the good work Obama has done will be undone by the incoming administration. Many people focus on the high premiums on the plans offered in the Marketplace, and the struggles to navigate the website. Consider, however, that the ACA removed the ability for insurance companies to deny you coverage based on preexisting conditions. Looking at things through the lens of public health, the ACA has been monumental in healthcare reform. The ACA introduced value-based purchasing and improved quality measures that have improved healthcare delivery and health outcomes. While the HITECH Act was implemented prior to the ACA, it has flourished and expanded within the last several years, opening up health exchanges that collect, examine, and report on population health data. Thanks, Obama, for trying to resolve healthcare disparities and gaps in coverage.

I won't lie. As someone in her last semester in a Master of Public Health program facing an administration that has already demonstrated it doesn't care about the health and welfare of Americans, I'm scared. I'm scared but this degree puts me in a position to advocate for the health needs and rights of all people.

This post isn't nearly as coherent and cohesive as I would like it to be. I am sure, in the near future, there will be plenty to write about.

Stop Telling Me to Give Him A Chance

In the wake of the horrible news that Donald Trump will, indeed, be the next President, I've swam through a sea of ignorance, white male privilege, and pure hostility on Facebook. I spent a good portion of yesterday unfriending and unfollowing people that support and spread the rhetoric of hate and intolerance while I tried to reconcile my own feelings, only to sit on my couch crying and feeling nauseous. This election season has been so stressful, and I get it, people are tired of hearing about it, tired of campaigns, tired of media oversaturation. And that's okay. I'm tired too. I'm emotionally exhausted, but my brain is already trying to think two steps ahead to plan how I'm going to help people most affected by this national tragedy. And as I try to think, as I read about the fears people have, I keep seeing the same things written by people over and over, people who don't get it, or people who lack empathy and compassion for others to see exactly why we're scared.

"Give him a chance"
"It'll be okay"
"He has no real power"
"Get over it"
"Stop whining"

On an on the apologist litany goes. I will be totally up front that I do have a level of privilege being a middle-class, educated, white woman in a largely rural state. I've never been sexually assaulted and despite dancing with poverty and mental illness, I've had a relatively comfortable life. But reading these sentiments over and over makes me sick. Why? Because these are the things rape apologists say about the victims of sexual and domestic assault when they try to use their voice and stand up for themselves and expose someone for the predator they are. And that's not okay.

I am scared. I am scared for my fellow women, queer folk, trans friends, friends of color, friends in a non-Judeo-Christian religion. I am scared of the culture of hatred, racism, and misogyny that has already sprouted as people are reporting harassment, threats, and assaults, all in less than 24 hours of the election results. For the first time in my 36 years, I am genuinely afraid of sexual assault. This is a Trump presidency. It's already happening. So no, I will not "take the high road," I will not "give him a chance." And it certainly will not be okay. This will be an unbearably long 4 years. Let's support each other.

Ways to help:
Donate to help transpeople get their names and genders legally changed here
Jezebel has a great (and expanding list) of organizations that support women, transfolk, people of color, immigrants and refugees, and people with disabilities that you can help by donating or volunteering here
Support the ACLU