A Different Type of Body Dysmorphia

 I am, like most women, at odds with my body and how it looks in regard to my weight, and I do body check a lot. But something that actually gives me a little more distress is my skin. Never mind the acne, although I hate it, it's not my problem. My problem is that I actually have too much blank skin at this phase in my life and I hate it to the point I almost got a tattoo on impulse a couple weeks ago (thankfully I didn't because I had an even better idea of what to do with the space). In my mind's eye, how I actually picture myself, is so much more heavily tattooed than I actually am, and it sucks to look in the mirror and be dissatisfied with what I see because I can't realistically afford the work right now. When I look at the picture to the right, which is a Snapchat filter, I like what I see. I want a full throat tattoo, I've warmed to the idea of a chest piece. My neck and right arm are shamefully bare. I have nothing on my legs, my back. I don't even know if you can classify this as body dysmorphia, and I would hesitate to anyway, because body dysmorphic disorder is a real problem people have, but maybe it's somewhere in the spectrum of that? All I know is that the more tattoo work I get done, the more me I feel. 

You Heathen!

Icelandic stave Veldismagn

As mentioned in a recent, ranty, "get off my lawn you kids" sort of post, I have a habit of sitting down and reevaluating my spirituality every decade or so (and woe to be old enough to measure these reevaluations in decades!) and generally realign my spirituality. I will never be one of those people who is comfortable practicing any sort of spirituality in a group setting, but I still seek virtual groups out not for camaraderie, but to quietly learn and slip away with the knowledge I was seeking out. Recently, I've been feeling that the word "shaman" fits my spirituality the best (although I'm not hung up on labels) so over the last few weeks I have been looking into modern shamanism (oh boy, so much fluff and woo) and dissatisfied with that search, started researching the Icelandic runic staves.

It's interesting, the rabbit holes you can fall into with a Google search. From Icelandic staves I went to Norse runes (the Elder Futhark) and somewhere along the way I stumbled upon Heathenry. A first, knee-jerk reaction was that Heathenry appealed to me very much. A second, knee-jerk reaction was "wow, there are a lot of racists who use a religion to justify racism." Apparently, it's a widespread problem, as several groups I've found online have, as rule number 1, "take your white supremacy and racism elsewhere." After looking into Heathenry on a superficial level, there is a theistic side to it, which doesn't quite work for me, but I'll continue to research and read, because knowledge is always valuable.

In the mean time, I'll continue to collect crow feathers and any clean bones/antlers and other magical items I can find/afford and spend time in nature. I'm too shamany for anything organized. Hopefully next summer I can make it to Iceland for a spiritual journey and to have Veldismagn tattooed on my chest (because believe it or not, 2 of my 3 current tattoos are spiritual for me, being my animal guide, the crow). Right now I'm looking for something way more primal and less organized, and I've realized that's a path I have to forge for myself.

Get the Fucking Tattoo

I hear "I'll [insert activity] once I lose weight" a lot, and I'm guilty of it myself. I told myself, through my 20's "Once I lose weight I'll start getting tattoos." I hit 30, hadn't lost weight, and realized "why am I waiting?" I'm lazy. I hate exercise, love decadent foods. I manage to maintain my weight but I don't lose it, and I'm honestly not trying too hard. If I had stuck to my "I'll get tattoos when I lose weight" idea, I would never have gotten tattoos. At 30 (almost 31, looking back at the picture on Facebook), I got my first tattoo, pictured on the right. Look at my fatness. That's my body, and I own it. And I have adorned it. Now, I do have a much more flattering picture taken with my stomach sucked in, at a more flattering angle that makes me look much thinner, but my point is, I'm lumpy, curvy, chubby, and if I'd waited for all that to disappear, I wouldn't be as happy in my skin because honestly, I've wanted tattoos ever since I was a kid, and I know that that's how I want my body to look. I don't care about being skinny. I don't particularly give a fuck about what others think of my fatness either. Tattoos aren't just for skinny people. Fat people aren't regulated to arm tattoos where it's less offensive to be fat. One of the tattoos I'm going to plan out with my tattoo artist is a sternum tattoo which, if  you search on google, appears to be a skinny person tattoo. There are only a few images of chubby girls with sternum tattoos. But you know what? Fuck it. I want it, I'll get it, and I'll rock it.

During healing, same person, better angle

Stop waiting. Stop delaying. If you keep telling yourself you're going to delay what makes you happy until you lose weight, you'll never be happy. A friend of mine mentioned wanting to cosplay a favorite character and told me "if I could lose weight, I'd totally do it." My response was "just fucking do it, dude." If you want to lose weight, and you do it, and work toward it, awesome. But if you struggle or just aren't motivated, why deny yourself? Be happy. As the kids say, you only live once. So if you're fat, stop letting society tell you you can only have certain clothes, accessories, engage in certain activities. And for fuck's sake, stop thinking you're unattractive to others because god knows, I get more ass than some of my skinny friends.

You're allowed to feel beautiful, sexy, confident, regardless of size. If you want to express yourself in a certain way, just do it. It's okay to love yourself, regardless of size, and it's also okay to want to change if you want to. It's okay to be happy, I promise.

Goth Subculture and My Personal Journey of Discovery

Recently, I was asked by someone not to change too much, because they liked me the way I was. And all I could think of was "I'm not changing." However, after some reflection, I realized that to some people, it may well seem that I'm changing. I can assure you that I really am not, but it's incredibly freeing to be able to express myself visually what I have felt since I was a teenager. As an adult, Goth is so much more attainable.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I pulled up YouTube on my tablet to watch some videos, and I looked up a video by the Offspring that always stuck with me: Gotta Get Away. This video came out in 1993 I believe, so I would have been 13. Grunge was starting to become popular, and so many taboo things were becoming mainstream. The reason this particular video has stuck with me for so long is that it was really the first time I had been exposed in mainstream culture to people with body modifications. In this video there is a bald young man with two septum rings and pierced nipples, and young men covered in tattoos. Something in me clicked. Something felt right. The music of the 1990's fueled my creativity, Bands like Type O Negative brought a dark aesthetic that I identified with. The lyrics had meaning, and I would often listen for hours while writing poetry or drawing. As a teenager who had (as of yet undiagnosed) depression, I felt that deep connection, and I didn't feel alone.

Anyone who has known me for a long time knows I have always dressed in black (to the point that when I started wearing pink my Mom asked if I was okay) and have been into heavier makeup. I had a spiked collar, and lots of jewelry. I dabbled in Goth, got my toes a little wet. I used white face paint instead of foundation (WHY) and always wanted to be serious and sombre in pictures. At 15, I discovered Wicca. As I got older my spiritual beliefs evolved away from Wicca to general Paganism and my makeup improved (no more white face paint, thank god). I still wore primarily black, and I listened to a lot of metal, darker music, and a lot of other genres.

Goth culture has become more and more accessible to me via the Internet. I held back a lot when I was younger because I was the literal black sheep of my friend group. Even now, I don't know any other Goths, really. I was also afraid of the elitism in the subculture, and ostracism by "normal" society. One thing I have learned as an adult, as I advance into my 30's, is to stop caring what other people think. I got my first tattoo at 30. I started my second one at 32. Now, at 35, I have my snakebites pierced. I have wanted that piercing since I can remember. At least 17 years. And now I have it. I know a lot of people would think I'm trying to act young, or that I'm going through a phase, but I assure you, I'm not. This is who I always have been, just held back by fear. So I have the black claws, I have the tattoos, I have the piercing. Granted, I always say Goth is how you feel inside, not necessarily how you look, but I feel so much more comfortable in my skin being able to visually express myself. I may not have the awesome clothes (they're expensive and I'm useless at DIY anything) but I feel liberated and happy. I'm not trying to please anyone else any more, which is the cycle I keep getting into. I'm pleasing myself. I'm happy. And I'm still me.

Reevaluating what is Considered "Feminine"

Lately, I've seen more and more positive images of heavily-tattooed women in the media. What really got me thinking about this topic was the Motorola Moto X commercial that shows (at right) a woman with a full sleeve. While we can't see her face, we have peeks of femininity in her hair, the polish on her nails.There's another commercial I've seen (I couldn't find a still of it) encouraging people to shop local for the holidays, and there, in one scene, is another sleeved girl, a trendy, arty shop owner with her wares. All too often, the stereotype surrounding heavily tattooed women has been that "women with tattoos... are promiscuous....If a women [sic] does have a tattoo its is suppose to be easily hidden and look 'feminine' such as a dolphin or a butterfly. Women with darker such as a black and grey piece are considered to look manlier." Thankfully, media is starting to portray heavily tattooed women in a much better and kinder light.

I remember, in a recent marathon of LA Ink I indulged in on Netflix, that Kat Von D mentioned something about being heavily tattooed and still being feminine and soft. I really wish I could find the quote (the only thing people seem to want to quote by her is something about every tattoo having a story, which is so cliche. Meh.) because it stood out to me and it was something she mentioned several times on the show. But it's true; if you look at Kat, you see an incredibly feminine woman, not some butch biker chick. This is important. It's no one's business what you put on your body, but the negative stereotypes and body shaming need to stop. Women with lots of tattoos are beautiful and feminine.
 I  personally can't wait to be heavily tattooed (maybe not quite to the same scale as Kat, but I plan on having both arms, a full back, both ribs, and my legs/feet done at some point) and wear them proudly. I wear the ones I have proudly already. Does it diminish my femininity or my ability to do my job? Not at all. A mother with tattoos is no less feminine or a mother for having them. And insert that statement for a woman of any profession, art, or skill. Will I cover my sleeve when I get married? Hell no! I look forward to being a tattooed bride; my own confidence in being a woman will shine through and the tattoos are just a (very expensive) accoutrement to the whole ensemble.

I'm up to an (incomplete) half sleeve now. Another crow, and more lilies. And FYI, getting your armpit tattooed hurts. A lot.

He's going to be painful to fill in...

So, Why the Crows?

The subject of my latest tattoo

I get it all the time: "So what's the deal with all the crows?" I guess it's a reasonable question. My tattoos are all crow-themed, I dressed as a crow this Halloween, I keep a crow feather on my fridge, and I have lots of crow stuff at home and in my office. There's even a crow as the background of my phone. So why do I love them? Well, corvids (crows, ravens, magpies, etc.) are incredibly intelligent and have been known to use tools and complex forms of communication. They can also be taught to talk (Julian the raven is the most adorable thing, ever).

I've always had a connection to crows and ravens, and in fact in my youth when I would potentially be late for school due to oversleeping, the crows would start outside my window and wake me. Naturally, I identified with the birds and eventually recognized them as my animal/spirit guide. I couldn't live in a place where there was no crows, it would just feel wrong. Seeing them makes me happy, and listening to them calms me.They are truly amazing creatures with an unfair reputation built by centuries of fear and lack of understanding.

The tattoo version of the above picture

The Evolution of the Human Peacock

Look at me, I'm pretty!

When you look at humans as a species, we're pretty damn plain. Aside from our huge brains, and perma-boobs, animals and birds (even fish and bugs) are way prettier. Humans have to work so much harder to look appealing to the opposite sex, but, paired with that hugemongous brain of ours, the results are fascinating. I've always believed that the body is a canvas, but recently I saw a little macro in a tattoo community on Facebook that said "If the body is a temple, why not decorate the walls?" I so agree!

I was in my teens when I realized that my blue-green eyes and long hair could get me things if I played my cards right. Granted, I practiced this at the fair, on carnies who don't have much of a discerning taste, but at least I got extra-long rides on the tilt-a-whirl and that's what's important, right? I learned, early on, how to wear makeup, and over time, with the advent of the Internet, Youtube, and a sizable investment in MAC cosmetics, I perfected my art. If I don't see glowing eyes and bedroom smoulder looking back at me, I'm not done.

grr baby

And hair. Flip long hair around, twirl it around your fingers, keep it long and shiny and healthy. Maintain it. I always swore I'd never dye it until college when I went full-bore adventurous and put 10 blue streaks in my hair. It looked awesome. I semi-regularly touch up my root color and add low-lights, and have done pink dye and purple extensions. The great thing about hair is that it can always be colored, it can be grown out. It's a living organism and never be messed up that bad.

I have yet to master drinking coffee while taking a self portrait though

And, of course, tattoos. I've talked about tattoos twice before, and like I've mentioned, while I get them for me and no one else, they're awesome to show off when you love them. And why shouldn't this be a mate-procuring method? They get you noticed. Since I had my outline filled in, so many people have just stopped, looked, and complimented. Most of those people men. Now I have designs on one man and one man only, but the compliments and attention are always flattering. I spend a stupid amount of time online looking at other people's tattoos, and some of the most beautiful women I have seen have had extensive ink.

So we are all peacocks in our own way, whether it be the clothes we wear, or makeup, or hair, or even going through the extreme of body modification.

You're Just Showing Off!

All too often I hear from people or read comments on line that people with tattoos are just doing it for the shock factor, to show off, to get attention. Let's never mind that I got my first tattoo in a place where I'd need to be completely topless for you to see the whole thing. But my arm? I am totally showing that shit off. There's a certain sense of pride in working with a really good artist, investing the time and money on a custom piece, that it would be a little silly not to want to show it off. I didn't get my tattoos for anyone but me, but I appreciate each and every compliment I get, and since I've gotten the shading completed and it's tank top weather, I've gotten quite a few. I make sure I thank the person who compliments my tattoo, and when they ask where I got it, I sure as hell give Bella props. She did an awesome job.

One more session to go for color before we start adding more to make it a sleeve

But the whole "you're just doing it for attention" thing has always bugged me. I remember in high school there was a kid in my French class who was a year ahead of me. One day he showed up with green hair. Mind you, this was 1996, at the height of the grunge era and he was already rocking flannels. Green hair should have been a nonissue. My drugged-out old harridan of a French teacher (anyone who went to high school with me knows exactly what I'm talking about, even if they were fortunate enough to have the other French teacher) made him leave class and then went on a rant about how he was just looking for attention. In ranting like this, she was doing just that. We, in the mean time, sat there learning nothing (as usual, she didn't use immersion methods) and thinking the whole thing was just stupid. His hair was cool, it fit his personality because he was kind of a crazy guy.

Thankfully, when I put blue streaks in my hair in college, I didn't get that crap, but I did get a lot of my smartass customers at my job thinking they were funny saying "did  you know your hair is blue?" One or two may have accused me of trying to get attention, but it simply wasn't the case. I wanted blue hair. Blue and brown look awesome together. End of story.

My point is, don't assume someone with a face full of piercings, tattoos on their neck or hands or other highly visible places, or weird colored hair or hair cuts are looking for attention. They don't need it. They have confidence. If you're looking for the ones who are looking for attention, look at the girls who get "slut" and "cum guzzler" tattooed on visible parts of their body. Those sad individuals are crying for attention because clearly, no one gave them any when they were little-- either that, or the wrong kind.

Let's Talk Tattoos

How about something a bit more uplifting, eh? I had the opportunity to spend some time today with a  dear friend I haven't seen in several months, and as we were walking along she dragged the sleeve of my T-shirt up so that she could see my half-finished tattoo. I'm about $95 away from having it finished (I want to have a little more than the $350 I need to finish it so that I can give my tattooist an awesome tip and put down the $20 for more art, since this is going to become a full sleeve eventually).

The bird is a crow, you can't tell from the angle of this pic

In a world where tattoos are no longer taboo, they mean different things to different people. My two tattoos are both of crows, my animal guide. Part of my spirituality and link to nature. Lilies are just my favorite flower and I wanted to incorporate the two. My plan is that the whole sleeve will be crows and lilies, and within it, a tribute to the women in my family who have passed: my Aunt Penny, my Nana, and my Grammie. I haven't figured that part out yet, but that's why I have Bella to turn to, to draw me something beautiful based on the information I give her.

I had to add the porno cover star to make it Blogger-safe. But yes... 8 crows up my rib cage. I may have more done to this later on. It was a cheap, quick tattoo, and my first.

My brave niece, before fleeing her hellish other family for the wilds of Montana to start life over, asked me to go with her to get her first tattoo. When she first told me what she was going to get I was like "you're getting what?" But it makes sense. For a kid who had very little childhood, who had to be an adult way too soon, who grew up with abuse, around drug use, torn between fights where adults used child protective services as weapons. So thinking on it, having "The World" tattooed on her shoulder made perfect sense. She is brave, and strong, and beautiful, and she bears all that weight with grace.

Although, the way he did the r, lack of after care instruction and proper IDing really bug me. Glad I went with her. Fuck Redneck Tattoos. You heard me.

And then there are people who get tattoos to retain their religious identity in times of oppression. I was using Stumbleupon one day (I actually discovered it when I found that people were finding my blog by using it) when one of my stumbles brought me to an article about tattooed Croatian women. Forced to convert to Islam by the Turks, they tattooed secret symbols on their hands and arms to retain their Roman Catholic identity. The whole article was fascinating and can be found here.

While I only have two tattoos right now, it's something I love and find fascinating, so it will be a topic that will come up again. I mean, I didn't even cover my sister's meaningless ass-dolphin, which I suggest she augment with the words "rape" and "murder" because, well... dolphins try to rape humans and actually do murder porpoises. Don't believe me? Read the articles on Cracked. But I digress...