That Same Old Dead Feeling

I hate my mental illness. I really do. No matter what I say about learning and growing from it, learning about myself and what triggers me, sometimes it just creeps up on me and I hate it. Lately I have been feeling dead inside again. I have no logical reason to-- I landed an excellent job in less than a month since losing my old position due to lack of funding. I found a job before the state unemployment got figured out (and still hasn't). But all I want to do is crawl out of my skin, find a green place and escape. I want a house set back in the woods where I can be alone and be left alone. Left alone with my cats and some gardens and trees. I want to be on the edge of the wild. My heart longs for it. I feel so empty, my heart feels empty, and I need the forest, I need the solitude, and those things aren't within reach right now. All I can do is sit around and let this emptiness consume me as I prepare for my first day of work tomorrow. The soul-crushing thing is that with my current student loan and car loan debt, I couldn't dream of being able to afford land and a house to put on it. I'll be stuck in an apartment, surrounded by neighbors and noise forever. I hope this spiral into a pit of nothingness passes soon.