A Rural Person's Review of Vegan Foods You Didn't Ask For

 

For the second year in a row, I am doing Veganuary, a month of vegan eating in the month of January. Last year was very successful for me, and admittedly, I eat vegan-- or at the least ovo-vegetarian-- most of the time any way because of cost. I consume a lot of media about veganism/vegan recipes, and living in Central Maine, often get frustrated when I can't find the products or ingredients that are mentioned by Youtubers and bloggers that live in or near larger, urban centers. Now, I will say that my local grocery stores have vastly improved in their vegan selections from last year, but I still live in a pretty rural area and by virtue of that, the demand isn't that high. I made a special trip to Portland last night after work not only to replenish some pantry staples from Trader Joe's (their hearty vegetable broth is my absolute favorite), but also to look at the selection of things I'd heard of but never seen or tried before at Whole Foods. I do want to note that these are nice-to-haves, for when you're transitioning your diet or want a treat, and in no way necessities. Most of the time I'm eating whole-food plant-based, but it's nice to have something I can just throw in the air fryer or nuke in the microwave when I'm tired or have a headache (which seems to be a majority of this month, grr, thankfully Pepsi is vegan). These are just products I've had personal experience with, but I have impeccable taste* and an adventurous palate, so you should trust me. I make no claims to the healthiness of these products, as I said, they're nice-to-have products. I'm not including milk alternatives because that is largely a manner of preference, nor am I including dairy-free yogurts because I have tried so many and some are truly awful and I have tried to erase them from my memory. I just eat the Silk vanilla soy yogurt.

In no particular order (but trying to keep similar products grouped), my list, with review, and links to relevant products.

Breakfast Sausage

1. Beyond Breakfast Sausage: These are just *chef's kiss* so good. I loved the breakfast sausage before it was available in stores, when I had it in the vegan Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich (which they apparent discontinued, what the hell) when I went to Canada. Unfortunately the consumer product is small, not a sandwich-sized patty, which sucks, but they taste so good.
2. MorningStar Farms Original Sausage Patties: These are super good, but also small like the Beyond patties. I like these as much--maybe more-- than the Beyond, and they're affordable too. These do have the benefit of coming in a resealable bag, where the Beyond come in a box that doesn't have a closure.

Egg Products

1. Just Egg Folded: You know how your favorite non-McDonald's breakfast sandwich has that egg, kind of fluffy but kind of dry, that doesn't taste like much but the sandwich just wouldn't be the same without it? That's what the Just Egg Folded is like. It's not bad, and tastes like those eggs. Processed, pre-cooked fast food eggs. Satisfying, when you really want a breakfast sandwich, and really quick to cook. Also, for a 4-serving box, way, way cheaper than the liquid Just Egg (which I haven't tried, but I've seen the price of and holy hell).

Vegan Cheeses and Spreads

1. Chao Creamery Original Slices: Are you detecting a trend in breakfast sandwich makings yet? I'll be honest, this is the only sliced vegan cheese I've tried. It's readily available where I live, and tastes/smells like white American cheese (although less salty) and melts really well. Makes a great grilled cheese sandwich.
2. Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds: Melts great, a (slightly) more affordable option for pizza cheese, but still more than normal cheese. I've never really eaten it outside of being melted on something. Because it melts great, it will definitely give you cheese burn when you bite into your pizza without letting it cool for a minute.
3. Violife Just Like Mozzarella Shreds: I'll be honest, I haven't had these since last year. They're really good, melts great, slightly more expensive than Daiya, but it seems like the price may have gone down a little. Either that, or my recollection is shitty, which is quite possible.
4.  Miyoko's Garlic Herb Cheese Wheel: Super tasty, like a wheel of Boursin, but hella expensive. A nice treat on crackers with vegetables.
5. Daiya Chive & Onion Cream Cheez Style Spread: Weird texture, not like cream cheese at all. Weird film in my mouth after. This had been sitting in my fridge a year unfinished and I just threw it out. Make mostly of oils, so it hadn't gone bad, per se, but had dried out. Not a fan.
6. Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese: Not quite cream cheese texture, and lacks that certain tang, but not bad at all (and has a little bit of protein too, since it's made from tofu). Throw some Trader Joe's Everything But the Bagel seasoning on it and you're good to go.
7. Violife Epic Mature Cheddar Flavor Block: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet.

Nuggies and Tendies

1. Gardein Seven Grain Crispy Tenders: Listen, these don't taste like much, but I love them. Maybe it's their accessibility (you can find them everywhere), maybe it's their crunch, maybe it's their low price point or the fact that they're relatively low in calorie so you can eat two servings. Who knows? These are my OG vegan nugget, and I love them. They can do no wrong, especially dipped in barbecue sauce.
2. MorningStar Farms Chik'n Nuggets: These are... meh. Like, they're not bad but if there are other, better nuggets available, I'll buy those first. These are more of a desperation nugget. Tolerable, but not my favorite.
3. Jack & Annie's Crispy Nuggets: These are really new to my local grocery store and they are really good. The outside is like a McDonald's nugget. The inside is almost there, texture-wise, maybe a little too moist, and a bit bland (all the flavoring is in the coating) but these are still really tasty, and a handy thing in the air fryer.
4. Quorn Meatless Spicy Patties: I love these. There is almost always a box of these in my freezer, Veganuary or not. They're fucking delicious. I'd rather have these than a chicken patty, any day, hands down. 
5. Sweet Earth Mindful Chik'n: Oh god this is so gross, even the sauce I covered it with couldn't save it. 

Sausages other than Breakfast

1. Beyond Sausage Hot Italian: I used these last year to veganize zuppa toscana. They're good, the flavor is there, but be warned, they get a weird, kind of slimy texture when boiled. I think it's the "casing" they use, which is made from algenate. I'd like to eventually try the normal flavor cooked like an Italian sausage.
2. Sweet Earth Ginger Scallion Sausage: These are... I go back and forth on these a little, because they have a weird aftertaste and the texture is weird due to the inclusion of seeds, but they're not bad. They're just okay. I bought them because I had a coupon and paired them with roasted vegetables. Need more garlic flavor.
3. Gardein Sliced Italian Saus'age: Again, something that is just okay. Good flavor (I threw these into a pasta sauce) but a weird texture kind of like the Sweet Earth ones. I haven't tried them unsauced but I still have some in the freezer I could cook up.
4. Sweet Earth Benevolent Bacon: No. Weird texture (it's seitan-based), weird sweet flavor, burns easily. Do not recommend. Sweet Earth does many things right, but not bacon.
5. Field Roast Italian Garlic & Fennel: These aren't bad. You have to cut the casing off first, which is annoying, but not a terrible inconvenience. I put these on a pizza. Tasty.
6. Tofurkey Plant-Based Hickory Smoked Deli Slices: Definitely not my favorite. I bought them for a sandwich to pack for hiking (I didn't want actual meat because I was afraid it would turn before lunch) and they're meh, but with other things tolerable. Not something I would buy again.

Burgers

1. Sweet Earth Awesome Burger: Of the many things Sweet Earth does right, it's burgers. These are hands-down one of my favorite plant-based faux meat burgers on the market. The price point is affordable, they're available even at my grocery store, and they taste really good and have a great texture. Another plus is that they don't reek to high heavens like Beyond burgers do, they actually smell nice and smoky when cooking. A+, highly recommend. 
2. Beyond Burger: A really good, solid burger. They smell terrible when you're cooking them, though, but they taste great and have a good texture. I do prefer Sweet Earth, but I definitely like Beyond too, they're just a bit more expensive.
3. Gardein Ultimate Plant-Based Burger: These are great. Comparable to the Sweet Earth burgers, slightly lower price point, and you cook them from frozen, which is handy and saves fridge space (but takes freezer space which for me is... premium). 
4. Dr. Praeger's Sweet Heat Beet Veggie Burgers: Just okay. Definitely doesn't taste like meat, but I don't think they're supposed to. I still have one of these in my freezer taking up valuable space so I might cook it soon. I think I don't reach for it is because it's a little higher in calorie than some of the faux meats are.
5. Trader Joe's Turkeyless Protein Patties: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet (but excited to, they have good reviews!)

I feel like I'm missing something in this category but I can't think what. I'm not putting Impossible burgers here because I haven't bought the consumer product yet.

Frozen Items

1. Sweet Earth Bowls: Another thing Sweet Earth does well are their frozen meals, namely their bowls. I love the General Tso's Tofu, but the Awesome Bulgogi is really good too (although it needs more veggies). I like to grab these from the grocery store on days that I was too lazy to meal prep something for work lunch, since the grocery store near my office has a really good selection of these.
2. Sweet Earth Big Sur Breakfast Burrito: I love breakfast burritos and this one is really good. A tad bland, but throw some chili garlic Cholula on it and you're golden. Another thing I like to grab for a quick lazy lunch or dinner, and becoming more readily available (although I usually have to go to Target or Walmart for these).
3. Gardein Saus'age & Homestyle Gravy Bowl: I am a northerner that loves sausage and gravy on biscuits and this satisfies a craving. So good. So hard to find most of the time around here, which makes me sad.
4. Daiya Meatless Pepperoni Pizza: My first impression of this pizza was taking it out of the box, when I felt like it was sold by a company who actually cared what their product looked like. It looked more like a pepperoni pizza than one made out of meat-based pepperoni, and it had a good, even distribution that weren't all piled in one spot. Cheese distribution was really good too. Aside from the visual appeal, this was tasty. I prefer to experiment with my own pizzas (frozen pizza takes up space in my freezer that just doesn't exist) but this is a nice convenience food for when I'm lazy.
5. MorningStar Farms Veggitizers Pizza Bites: These are great. When I want to eat like a 5 year old and want something pizza flavored, I pop a bunch of these in my air fryer and go to town on them. So yummy.
6. Planet Oat Frozen Dessert (Specifically, Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl): Of the non-dairy ice creams I've tried (not just because of Veganuary, but due to lactose intolerance too) this is hands-down the best, and my favorite flavor. It has the texture of dairy ice cream, and manages to be leaps and bounds cheaper than other non-dairy ice creams. I get upset when my flavor is sold out at the store. I wish it came in a size larger than a pint.
7. Ben & Jerry's non-dairy PB & Cookies: I am just not sold on this guys. It's okay, but it definitely tastes like it's made with almond milk and the texture is icy, not as creamy, and they are so, so stingy with the peanut butter in this. Like, what the hell guys? I got it because I had a coupon and that's probably the only time I would, because like their regular dairy flavors, it's expensive.
8. Oatly Frozen Dessert: Just meh. Kind of icy, not very flavorful. It took me a while to finish up a pint because I just didn't care for it that much.

I've tried some other non-dairy ice creams but I am drawing a blank on what ones because once I found the Planet Oat ice cream I've pretty much stuck to that one. I think I tried the So Delicious Oatmilk Frozen Dessert and thought it was okay, but I can't even remember what flavor. It's also expensive.

Snacks on Snacks on Snacks

1. Earth Balance Vegan Cheddar Squares: Man, I do love a good square. These are supposed to be the vegan answer to cheez-its. They taste like they could be an off-brand, but in a good way. They do taste cheesy, and are satisfying. What I like most is that they have this light crispness about them that cheez-its don't have. I wish my grocery store had these because I had to find them at Whole Foods, which is a 70 minute drive from my house. 
2. Hippeas Puffs: These are okay. Weird texture. I thought I had tried a ranch flavor but it's not on their site so maybe it was the white cheddar. 

Jesus is that really it for snacks? That has to be wrong, I love snacks!

Anyway, I may update this post as I try new things, especially since I have a couple placeholders in there for stuff I have but haven't tried yet. I have a bunch of stuff I need to eat first (I see a fridge clean-out fried rice in my near future) before I start tearing into new stuff. I also didn't include beverages like non-dairy iced coffee drinks or protein shakes/powders because I've been underwhelmed by the few drinks I've found and I pretty much only use Orgain vegan protein powder/shakes.

What are your favorite vegan convenience products, and did you have the same thoughts I did? Comment below!

*Debatable

Gaming while Female

I love video games. I've written about it before. I've been playing World of Warcraft off and on for about 10 years, among other games. When I'm not running around solo,  I typically play with a small group of people from my guild; we all know each other, and many of us have met. Sometimes, however, we will have to invite a stranger to our group, this is fine. What I've noticed, however, is that almost every time-- and also when strangers interact with me in game-- I am misgendered. The kicker was when a guildee who knows better  misgendered me in guild chat. I have wracked my brain to understand this. Even when I played a typically "female" class-- my mage or priest-- I get called "dude" (which I see as kind of gender-neutral, honestly), "bro," or "man."  But I primarily play a melee class these days. To the right is my demon hunter. Yes, I play a female character, but a lot of guys play female characters too. Armor sets tend to look... better on them. But why is it I am constantly being misgendered? Let's unpack this, list style!

A) The pervasively inaccurate myth that women don't play video games. In fact, women in my age bracket are a main demographic

1. Also, toxic masculinity 
2. The myth that female gamers are casual, when there are female players soloing end bosses of raids

B) My play style

1. I play a melee class now, although I used to play ranged DPS. But women are expected to be ranged DPS or healers
2. I am competitive. I don't like to lose
3. I am an aggressive player. I like to be big-dick DPS in dungeons and raids and I go balls-deep into player vs. player
1. The fact that I even PVP is often seen as more masculine, however one of the best PVPer's I used to run with was female, back in the day
2. The fact that I rarely bother with a dungeon any more unless it's a keystone mythic and I want to do higher and higher ones

C) My goddamn mouth

D) The fact that I also tank, which is seen as masculine, although there are excellent female tanks

E) The fact that some of my female characters are nearly naked

I've stopped correcting people any more. It's not worth the time, especially if it's some random person I'll never encounter in game again. The exception was the guildee, and she had rubbed me the wrong way prior to that. What do you think, gentle reader? Have you experienced misgendering in a video game, whether male or female? Do you stay out of voice chats so that you avoid people knowing your gender?

I Love Social Media

When I look at memes to the right, I can only think that they were made by technology-fearing old people. I know they're not, but when some people bitch and moan about "kids these days always on their damn phones" and how everyone is looking at a phone and tapping a screen, I tend to disagree with them. I'm one of those always-connected people. My phone is typically within visible range at all times, or in my pocket. Or my hand. My phone delivers my emails to me from my university, messages from my mother, texts from my friends, calls from my brother when he's drunk and waxing a bit maudlin. I love my phone. People who know me in real life know that I'm kind of shy, I take time to warm up to people and in general have a hard time making friends. So when people want to say that social media culture, Internet culture is ruining how we interact with each other, I'm going to heartily disagree with them.

I made a new friend today, all thanks to social media. It started with getting a follow on Twitter, then an exchange of tweets. Then realizing we had some stuff in common. This is what is wonderful and special about the Internet and social media. I remember back in the early 2000's when I first started using the Internet. One of the first places I visited was a Yahoo chatroom, where I made friends with people from all over. Then I moved on to message boards, where I made some long-lasting friendships on a Wicca/Paganism board. I still interact with those people to this day.

So fast forward to present time. Thanks to Facebook, I can keep in touch with my brother in Canada. I can keep up with my old college roommate and her adventures. I can see how my friends from computer club are and share their happiness and successes. I can network with former coworkers. And speaking of networking, via LinkedIn, I can keep my resume updated and build a network of professional connections. I can search jobs, and see how my old coworkers are doing professionally. If I want makeup inspiration, I turn to Instagram and Youtube, which is also a wealth of information for other things; I've often used it for Excel tutorials when I need to see how things are laid out. When I want quick updates on a celebrity, I turn to Twitter. In fact, I have gained a ton of admiration and respect for a band that is easily becoming my second favorite band of all time (Tool will always be number one) because of their interactivity with fans on social media. It's probably a huge time sink for them, but in turn they have an incredibly loyal fanbase. And you know what? I discovered that band when someone I follow on Instagram posted a picture of the lead singer and I got curious. If not for that, I probably wouldn't have discovered them.

Before  you judge someone for staring at their phone, ask yourself-- are they Skyping a family member oversea? Are they getting updates on a friend? Are they looking for a job or applying to school? Smartphones connect us in a way we have never been connected before, and social media enhances that experience by creating a global community. 20 years ago I would never have thought I'd have friends all over the world that were a Kik message or Facebook post away. If you told me then that I'd be able to talk to my brother in Canada for free through a social media app, I wouldn't have believed you. Sure, there's a lot of oversaturation of media that does come from social media and the Internet, and Pinterest culture has lead to a lot of people with identical tattoos (I won't rant about my loathing for Pinterest today, but that's one social media platform I don't use) but I feel the good outweighs the bad. As a global society, social media has given us insight into the plight of the peoples of other nations, social injustices and victories. Social media has brought us all together in a wonderful, beautiful way.

If you're interested in my social media presence, I'll pop some links below. Facebook is private but all else I welcome followers. All the links should open in new windows/tabs.

Instagram
Twitter
Tumblr
YouTube (there's not much on there)
Yelp
And of course, you're already on my blog, so I needn't post that. :)

Bitches Be Cray

Last night I was reading A Dance With Dragons, George R. R. Martin's fifth installment in the Song of Ice and Fire series, when I came across this line:

"Women were always the cruelest where other women were concerned."

 I've been thinking about it ever since, and you know, it's so true. Women will cut each other down so easily and in so much more of a damaging way than anyone aside from an abusive significant other can do. As much as I am a feminist, I am guilty of it too. What really made me think of this was I was [indirectly] fat shamed last week, by another woman. And I thought "how does my weight even affect your life?" As I reflected on this, I realized how critical of other women I am; I'm going to try to be more conscious of this when I catch myself doing it.

Why is it, though, that women attack each other so much? Is it something evolutionary? We have to put other women down and/or point out their flaws so we can get the optimal mate? Is it an insecurity thing? I honestly don't know. It's been on my mind and needed to write it out and ponder. Discuss.

Why I'm not Offended by Superheroine Costumes

I'm a total geek: I play video games, D&D, read comics (both American and Asian), and own more Batman shirts than any one person probably should. I'm always a fan of strong female characters in any setting, whether in a fantasy novel, comic book, or video game. I always play a woman in games. I even give them skimpy outfits.

*record scratch*

What?

Look at Spider Man twerk it out!

That's right. Skimpy outfits. I dress my female role playing characters and video game characters in the stereotypical skimpy outfits that you see in comics, cartoons, and other things. When I was playing DC Universe Superheroes (seriously, the instruction books need to be rewritten... the rules are so ambiguous and disorganized!) I rolled a rogue-like, Bohemian Revolution-era corsetmaker that wore a Kevlar corset and some fun knee-high boots (her name was La Croix and could summon ravens because it's me playing). Even when I played WoW, I would run around trying to find the skimpy gear to equip my female characters with. If a game lets me modify bust size, you better believe I am giving my character the biggest tits I can (I want to play a character that has similar attributes to myself). So how can I, a feminist, even conceive of creating characters designed to objectify them?

Seriously. This is hot.

I really don't see skimpy superheroine costumes as sexist or objectifying. Growing up, I thought it was awesome. As an adult and a feminist, I see the impracticality of the outfits because really, they aren't covering much at all. Look at Wonder Woman to the left (and check out the artist's gallery, his work is amazing, and he has a lot of awesome Wonder Woman portraits!). She is still wearing the iconic Wonder Woman onesie, but she is muscular, strong, powerful. That's how I see my female characters; I don't see them as pieces of womanflesh running around on a screen or in a comic book, but as strong women that can wear those skimpy outfits because they are so badass that they can defend themselves and fight their own battles. Some feminists get offended by the costumes and would see them covered completely, like you can see in this article. Honestly, when I first saw those images, I thought they were done by someone who either hated their own body or wanted to body-shame other women. I thought the costumes were ridiculously dowdy and unempowering. I didn't see strong superheroines any more.

With the world of comics, cartoons, fantasy novels, and superhero movies I am able to lose myself in a fantasy world of strong, powerful women. Xena is my spirit animal, Wonder Woman my muse, Huntress my inspiration. Let's worry less about the costumes on these positive and strong female figures and more about the empowerment they can offer little girls and women.

Girl Gamers: Stop Making A Big Deal of Yourselves

In the recent months, there's been a lot of flap about girl geeks and if they really exist, with the geek girls loudly proclaiming "we exist!" for all to hear while uptight patriarchal types point fingers and slut shame and everyone on both sides just acts a damn fool. It reminds me of all the aggressive girl gamer bullshit I see all the time, like the below screenshot that was posted to Tumblr:

I absolutely abhor the attitude that girls like the original poster in this screencap have. "Yes, I'm a girl, I game, I'm a special snowflake, bow down to me, bla, bla, bla HOW DARE YOU ACKNOWLEDGE I'M FEMALE YOU SEXIST PIG!" Hate to break it to you ladies, but you're not rare animals any more. No one cares and the ones that do care that you're a girl and a gamer are the creepy mouth breathers you wouldn't come within ten feet of you anyway.

You know what I do when I game? I sit back, relax, shut my mouth (unless I'm talking shit to my TV, because I never play multiplayer on XBox) and enjoy my fucking game. There's no point in making a big deal about being a girl gamer. There just isn't. It's like you're asking to be hit on, and that to me indicates some serious self-esteem issues. If you truly love gaming, just game! It's not a hard concept, and not one we need to bring gender roles, sexism, and  ridiculous gender barriers into having fun and killing stuff, going on quests, and getting EPIC LOOT. Seriously, Ladies. Can we chill the fuck out with proving that we have vaginas and play video games?

Finding Something to Relate To

I've been watching a lot of Star Trek: The Next Generation lately, from the very beginning, because I never watched the whole series through (unlike Voyager, which I marathoned in college).  Now, if you've been following along, I tend to like villains more than good guys because ultimately I find it easier to relate to them.

Of the modern series of Star Trek, there are a myriad of races presented, some only appearing for one episode, others, more established. I have always had an affinity for the Betazoid race, and tonight, watching the episode "Tin Man," I think I figured out why. Aside from being telepaths, Betazoids are also empaths, highly sensitive to the emotional state of those around them. While I put up the mask of  a cold and uncaring person, I'm actually pretty sensitive to the emotions of others. It's something that makes me exceptionally good at customer service, because not only can I absorb and understand, but at some point, project back to another person.

Back to the mask of the cold, uncaring person-- I really don't care about other people, or rather people that I don't know, but reading a text from an old friend that her brother is losing a battle with cancer had me close to tears. I have never met her brother, but her sorrow was so palpable, even through text, that I wanted to cry for her. With her. It's not the first time that's happened, and surely not the last.

Perhaps this grinch's heart does have the capacity to grow.

My Cell Phone is Everything

The Samsung Galaxy S 2, the machine I wield

Tonight as I watched an Ebay listing I had put up 7 days ago expire with no bids (dammit) from my phone, I thought I really do do everything on my phone now. When setting up a new phone, one of the first things I do is set up both of my email accounts and my Facebook. I use Amazon, Ebay, Blogger (yes, sometimes I write posts from my phone-- I did several this summer), Goodreads, Yelp, I access my banking on the browser, I read Cracked, Jezebel, and Buzzfeed when I get bored. I take notes, use the camera too much (but my cats are so cute!) and have a shortcut to the Kindle app handy when I've forgotten to bring a book with me somewhere. Anyone that ever needs to get ahold of me will always get me via my phone, it's just that the medium may differ.

When I first started working for my former employer, phones couldn't do these things. Correction: consumer phones couldn't. In 2005 the newer, sleeker (still a brick) models of BlackBerry came out but they were still aimed toward business users, and still didn't have a color screen. No, back then, the high-tech cell phone was the Motorola RAZR, and everyone and their mother had one (I did, and so did my mother). Smart phones evolved slowly, then bam! there was this iPhone thing. Then Android. I think Android was really the "holy shit" moment for cell phone technology. With the release of the Android-powered G1 in 2008, the rise in popularity of smartphones snowballed. In a very short period of time we went from a phone that had very little internal memory to the device I hold now-- the Samsung Galaxy S 2-- that has 16GB of internal memory and a high-definition screen. When I left my telecommunications job in 2011, there was a multitude of smartphones for consumers to choose from, from low-end to high-tech, and talking to the customers and learning their needs, they were becoming dependent on the technology, at times even eschewing home computers in favor of their smartphones.

Now, I'm not getting rid of my laptop. I can't game on my phone, and there are still limitations to mobile browsers that frustrate me. Also, what's up with mobile YouTube? There's almost nothing there. But if I go out the door without my phone you had better know I'm turning around for it. There's no way I'm going without. How else am I going to provide on-the-fly commentary about the human condition whilst grocery shopping or send pictures of funny license plates to my friends? I will honestly say that maybe I'm a little dependent on my phone because I sit and think "Jesus, how did I cope before?" although I know I did just fine. But man, I have become accustomed to my conveniences.

Effective Acting

I'm a bit in my cups and am rewatching What's Eating Gilbert Grape which has always been a favorite of mine. It's a film I bring up constantly when people try to trash Leonardo DiCaprio as an actor. Of all his roles, his portrayal of Arnie Grape is the most honest and believable role of most movies I've ever seen. In my senior year of high school, I used to hand out announcements every other day with a boy with mental retardation (mental handicap? cognitively challenged?) and I also have a cousin that is rather high-functioning. DiCaprio's portrayal of Arnie reminds me of the boy from high school: not able to live independently, developmentally stuck at a very young age. The squeals, physical tics, picking and scratching at hair, the little things, down to the almost spasm-like gestures of hands is so effective, it's almost like watching an actual person with MR on the screen. It had to be an incredibly challenging role to play, and I respect his attention to detail immensely (especially for someone who was only 19 at the time the film was made). So yeah, he's done some movies that were shitty, but he sorry, folks, he's got his acting chops, and this is proof.

Please, I Don't Need Your Help!

Because I don't have a DCUO pic...

John and I just wrapped up a 20 hour gaming marathon over two days on DC Universe Online. In that time our goal was to get my character from level 22 to max level 30 (we were successful) by clearing out all my quests and doing instances (if you want to know, I dinged level 30 taking down Fire). During that time, I did go off on my own to grind and farm. Let me point out that I almost always play a female character (the exception being my paladin from WoW) and while yes, I am a female gamer, I'm by no means new to this thing.

That being said, there are things that just make me rage. So you see a female character surrounded by mobs. She's a magic user, no way she can handle those by herself! So you run over and start killing mobs for her. I HATE THAT. DON'T DO THAT. I didn't ask for your help, so why the hell do you think you need to be a hero and save me? I pulled those mobs, and I'm going to AOE (area of effect) them down. I'm fine. Unless you see something in world chat or whatever that says "HALP!" I really don't want to see you hovering around. And if you're opposite faction and you try to "help," you're going to make me really fucking nervous. If PvP (player vs. player) is enabled, I may just go after you. I'm a PvPer, and I can't read best intentions, and cross-factions can't communicate. So if you're trying to do something nice, emote, okay?

I decided to dick around on some ridiculously low quests today because I never go to Metropolis in DCUO. I just hate the zone, but since I never really did anything there, I figured I could get some investigations completed (I'm a wicked completeist) to try to boost me up and get some extra skill points. So I'm flying around, killing shit and I get a tell (private message) from another player, telling me he/she would teach me about my class. I said no, grinding my teeth all along. They continued to talk at me about how hard my class can be at max level and I again declined, stating "I'm not an MMO noob." Then they bothered to look at my level (I was 27, almost 28 and 30 is the max, remember) and they kind of ate crow. I went back and talked to them, but seriously, I absolutely hate-- not just in gaming-- unsolicited advice/mentoring. I didn't ask. Don't assume I don't know my class or that I don't already have someone in my pocket. When I say "no thanks," please leave it at that.

Anyway, I should have taken a screenshot of my new armor set, because it looks fucking amazing.

I'm Not Uptight About Political Correctness

I've identified myself on this blog by many labels: poor, white, feminist, democrat, liberal, childfree, bipolar. But you know what? In no way am I politically correct. I say "retarded" all the time. I say ageist things, sexist things. I laugh at fart jokes. I laugh at racial joke. I say "black" instead of "African American" because that's just too many syllables and I'm lazy.

A lot of people will say "if you laugh at [x] joke then you don't really hold [x] values." I don't think that's true at all. I can still be a feminist and made crude abortion jokes about pushing/being pushed down some stairs (always with a Southern drawl). I can be horrified by sweat shop conditions in Asia and still think this is funny:

Why is this the only clip I can find? This isn't nearly as funny.

We live in such an over-sensitive society where we're so afraid to offend everyone that we keep everything as G-rated and Clorox clean as possible. I was thinking about this last night on my drive home, after watching The Soup and Tosh.0 with John, and the drag queen Manila Luzon came to mind. In her season of Ru Paul's Drag Race, she came under fire for perpetuating Asian stereotypes twice in her portrayal of Imelda Marcos and an Asian reporter (the Marcos impression was hilarious, by the way. Full episode here.). When asked about the backlash, Luzon said "The feedback I’ve gotten from other Asians don’t really think it’s offensive and honestly I didn’t think it was either."

People, we need to laugh, and if we can't laugh at ourselves and each other, what else is there? I'm not saying be mean about it, just have fun for Christ sake. I make fun of my own heritage and hobbies all the time. Take for example this weekend,  John and I are going to set up our  laptops at his house and pretty much give ourselves tendonitis from playing DC Universe Online all weekend. I made a crack that I planned to be in a cheeto-stained wife-beater with Mountain Dew and a new beard. "Wait, what, a beard?" he said. "Well I am French." I replied, taking another bite of my soup. There. Harmless fun. 

So relax, people, and enjoy this cartoon Asian thing not being able to say R and L properly:

There are Times I Miss WoW

I was a hardcore World of Warcraft player for about 2 1/2 years before I got bored and quit. I had two accounts with (at the time) five max-level characters and a ton of alts. I made my own silly guild mainly for the bank. I was Horde, through-and-through, although I did condescend to make an Alliance character to play with some friends.

My beloved warlock

I haven't played in years. Lately I've been watching The Guild on Netflix and man, does it make me miss playing WoW. I've been playing Runes of Magic, which while free and a very good rip-off of WoW, just isn't the same. I can play for a couple of hours and enjoy myself, but it's just not satisfying. It's not the familiar terrain, it's not the 50+ mounts that I spent hours and hours grinding to get. It's not the battlegrounds where I can take my warlock in to destroy paladins and make them cry.

Paladins are kind of effeminate

Despite not having the money to play, my friends don't play any more. There would be no familiar names in the chat list, no voices on ventrilo. There have been two expansions since I quit, and I'm just not feeling either of them. Maybe some day I'll play again. Until then, all my pretty characters are in stasis, waiting.

When You See Stereotypes in Real Life

Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason: they're exaggerated caricatures of a race or subculture or sexuality or what have you that don't exist. Stereotypes are painting something with a broad brush. So when I see one in real life, a person actually embodying a stereotype so ridiculous that I thought it was the proverbial black astronaut, I'm taken aback.

I've been waiting forever to use this reference here

So here's two tales of my encountering actual living stereotypes in real life.

The sway-backed gay
So I don't have a graphic for this, because I have only seen this elusive creature once, and Google image searches have come up with less than satisfactory results. Several years ago I went to a gay club in Portland (Maine, for those of you who think the only Portland is in Oregon) with a couple of friends, one gay, one so Catholic and straight she was uncomfortable. We went in, ordered drinks (they made really good Midori sours) and stuck to the emptier back room away from the DJ booth out front. The back room was one that had a mirrored back wall with a tiny bit of staging. There was a fledgling queen in a very bad wig dancing with her reflection back there, a few random people, not crowded at all. We settled on a couch to chat.

Then he pranced by. Skinny jeans, tight T-shirt. He wasn't with anyone, dancing by himself from one room to the other. We continued our conversation, got more drinks. He pranced by again, back swayed, lifting his shirt to show his skinny boy not-abs. He was in his own world, just dancing and being the gayest man I'd ever seen. Even my gay friend was like "wow, what a fag." The third time he pranced by (yes, he pranced. Pranced.) he had worked his shirt up over his head but still hooked on his arms so he didn't have to take it all the way off. And he was prancing for all he was worth. I actually thought his back was going to snap, or spasm, with how arched it was.

I have a lot of gay male friends. Never, never, have they looked like this stereotype. It was almost like someone projected anti-gay propaganda into the club or something, with how stereotypical this guy was.

The Unwashed Geek

 Okay. I know the kid in the picture to the left. When Google was being fail, I remembered him from college and looked him up on Facebook. No I won't use his name here, and yes I'm a horrible person. This story isn't about him, but in retrospect, he fits this profile. No, this story is from... last week? John and I went to the video store (I know, right? There still are some, hanging on) to see if there was anything worth seeing. We started at one end of new releases (which they should just name "anything that has come out in the last 12 months") and we noticed that there was Jeepers Creepers number 267 or something. I was commenting on this when the clerk stocking things just interjects and starts talking about how great the first one was while I was in the middle of saying "they should have given up with the first movie" (I have feelings about horror movies). Then I gave him my "why are you talking?" look and there he was: greasy, uneven hair cut, no chin with stubble and acne. Mouth breathing. Since I don't make eye contact with strangers, I didn't see if he had a googly eye. But the only other person I'd ever know to meet the stereotype of the unwashed gee was  that fellow in the picture there. And that damn video store, there were two of them.

None of my geek friends are unwashed, unkepmt, Cheeto-dust covered nasties. Socially-awkward, yes, sometimes. Sometimes neck beards grow; I try to look past that. But they are clean.  I must emphasize, friends, that these two clerks were not hygienic in appearance whatsoever. And I've been in gaming shops.

My mind always reels, when I see these walking stereotypes, so these memories stick. I'm a people watcher by nature, but the stereotypes sneak up on you, when you're not paying attention. Like, when I walked out The Great Hungry Bear in Portland and came face to face with actual hipsters. That took me by complete surprise so much that I talked to John about it on the way to the car like we were tourists and had just seen an attraction. I can't wait to run into my next walking stereotype.

My Not-Quite-Definitive Wine List

When I say "not-quite-definitive" I mean, I'm a niche market. I don't care for red wine. I used to exclusively drink Pinot Grigio, until I discovered Moscato. My lovely, sweet, bubbly heart's desire, perfect, I have determined, with everything, even red meat. So here is my penultimate (for now) list of the best of the best. And guess what guys? They're all under $15! Score! Be a cheap drunk with me, okay?

1. Villa Rosa
2. Cupcake
3. Cavit
4. Yellowtail
5. Fisheye

I first tried Villa Rosa Moscato D'Asti at a tiny Greek market in Tarpon Springs, Florida. The shop keeper offered free samples of all of the wines in stock and I eagerly asked for a sample. Have you ever tasted something that immediately made you smile? The burst of pears and peaches and subtle white grapes that danced amongst the bubbles were like happy friends. Fast forward many months when I actually found this in a local liquor store in Augusta, Maine. I may or may not have screamed and alarmed John. Okay, I screamed. And begged him to buy a bottle. And got him hooked. So far, I haven't found a Moscato to knock this off the top of my list.

Cupcake was my number one for a very, very long time. It was, you might say, my gateway Moscato. I first tried it at John's aunt's house. She'd bought it at the grocery store to try, and the bottle was empty very quickly thereafter. Cupcake makes a lot of stuff, and their Sauvignon Blanc is decent (I've used it in my mussel recipe). I've also seen that they have a line of flavored vodkas that I've been curious about. But this Moscato, again, has notes of pear and is delightfully sweet and crisp. Extraordinary with brie and crusty bread.

Cavit has been my go-to for wine for ages upon ages. I've been drinking their Pinot Grigio since I started drinking wine, I think, so it was only safe to assume that once I saw that they had jumped on the Moscato bandwagon, I had to try it. It's excellent, really, and it's honestly a tie for second with Cupcake, or just a really, really close third. It's clean, it's crisp. And if I'm opening the bottle, you get bonus bits of cork! (Seriously... I can't open wine bottles for shit, but that is an entire blog post, and possible dissertation) Of the listed wines, this is the most expensive unfortunately, so I don't get this one as often, but as wine goes, it's something like $14.99, so that's still not bad. Just not in my budget.

Yellowtail is what I drink the most regularly now because it's the second most cheap on this list. By being fourth on the list in no way makes it terrible (I'll get to that), on the contrary, it is tasty, crisp, and fruity. I have a bottle chilling in my fridge right now, for whenever I have a wine emergency. I can drink a bottle and feel okay about it, because it doesn't cost a lot. I actually tried this because John and I had bought a bottle for someone as a gift, and I got curious, so I tried some. I had my sister try it, and she was pleased to find that it did not trigger a migraine (which wine sometimes does to her). So yay Yellowtail! And, twist-off cap!

Fisheye was an unexpected surprise. I just tried it last weekend. I had stayed away because it's so cheap.  It's good, but the key is that you have to let it chill, because if it's not cold enough, it tastes like cheap wine. But properly chilled, those wonderful fruity notes come through. Now that I know it actually tastes good, I'll get it again. Also, my grocery store often has it on sale, so score! And another huzzah for a twist-off cap! No cork for me to fuck up!







So you know how I like all of these and I didn't include anything bad on the list? It's because I can't go to wonderful and yummy to absolute terrible skunk water in the same list. So, take it from an avid Moscato fan, avoid Barefoot and Gallo like the plague. They are absolutely, hands-down disgusting. Cheap wine disgusting. They didn't even taste like Moscato. Absolute crap.

Creativity

I do most of my best thinking in the car. Recipes, blog posts... I even do the "female thing" where I have a full blown fight with someone, beginning to end, entirely in my head, in the car. Sometimes, when I'm restless, I go driving, and when I come back, I'm full of ideas.

I used to write a lot. I was writing short stories and poetry constantly. I've had, since 8th grade, a story running through my head, that I tell myself. A little bit of escapist fantasy, and I've only written one very small part of it down. It just hasn't come to me in written form. I know that non-writers probably can't understand this, but the other night, as I lay in bed trying to sleep (for some reason, I have a hard time sleeping at John's. It's probably the mattress) a new character showed herself to me. Piece by piece I saw her. Just her, and her immediate surroundings. She did not tell me her story.

There was a period of time that my roleplaying character kept tapping on my brain, showing me her story; it drove me crazy until I wrote it down, even if it meant getting up from bed to do it.

It's been a while, then, since I've had someone new come knocking. I know it sounds crazy. I just need to figure out who she is.

Why Half-Vampires Don't Work (For Me)

It's okay. Twilight is often a source of my anger.

As we get closer and closer to the release of Twilight: Breaking Dawn part 2, the more and more I stew over the idea of half vampires. It's an idea I've never been comfortable with, and I feel I am predisposed to have these feelings, since I am possessed of naturally long and pointy canine teeth and love vampires (but not in that way). So it bugs me when someone tries to use a half-vampire (or damphir, if you will) as a plot device.

A vampire, by nature, is not a living creature. Regardless of how the exact process goes down. the vampire bites its victim, transfers some of its blood (or if you sparkle, venom), the victim's body dies as the vampire infection takes over and the body metamorphoses a bit, then it reanimates with fangs and night vision and all that cool stuff. Some key points to address here: when your body dies your lungs cease to breathe and your heart to beat.* Of course, there's no explaining higher brain function, but that's not what we're discussing here...

So. No heart beat, eh? Without a heart beat there can not be blood flow, and without blood flow, there is no male erection (because let's face it, it's always a male vampire and a human female). It was in Anne Rice's novel Pandora that I first saw this addressed, and I apologize in advance since it's been so long since I've read it that I have only a vague recollection of the scene, but the main character, Pandora, was begging a vampire to make love to her and went so far as to try to put his penis in her and he was just "sorry... it doesn't work any more." Because it doesn't. If you don't have a beating heart, you can't get an erection, and you therefore can't get someone pregnant. It's absurd.

And say, for shits and giggles, you could get an erection. Why would you have viable sperm? You already have a means of propagating your species that is both tasty to you and almost instantaneous, without the tedium and mess of childbirth and infancy. Think about it: you bite someone, get a little tasty snack in the process, make a buddy. Such efficiency!

So please, let's stop this half-vampire bullshit. It's just ridiculous. And can we stop the plot device that half-vampires are the only ones that can effectively kill vampires? It's been done. A couple of times.


*I'm giving author Kresley Cole a pass here because she actually uses a vampire's sudden beating heart and breathing lungs as a sign that he's found his Bride. It's actually pretty funny because it usually scares the shit out of him because he doesn't know what the sound is. Yeah. Anyway, as a plot device it shows a major vulnerability to his enemies when they can tell he has a pulse again, so while yes, her vampires can have sex once they find their Bride, they still can not impregnate them.

Whales and Unicorns

I was sitting on my bed, eating pumpkin ice cream and listening to Enigma when I heard whale song. It was something they commonly sampled into their music, and quite effectively. But at that moment, mixed into the ethereal music, I thought of unicorns, a green forest dappled with sunlight. In the 1985 movie Legend, the sound of whales was used for the unicorns, and I have associated them ever since.  When that song played, it was like I was Lili kneeling before the mare in the stream. I even saw the scene in my mind.  In fact, sometimes when I am in the forest, I am almost expecting to hear, amidst the bird song, a peal of whale song, as it has become to seem so natural, thanks to the wonders of music and media in general.

I'm going to put the song in this post. Listen to it. Imagine yourself in a verdant, virgin forest of dappled green light, fresh air, life. I'll bet you see unicorns.

The State of Horror Movies Today

There are few movies I can say lately that have actually scared me to the point where I had all the lights on and  plenty of things making sound so that I wasn't sitting in silence. The last one  that I can really remember doing that to me was White Noise because fuck ghosts. When you grow up in century-plus old houses your whole life that people died in, you hear ghosts in everything. So White Noise freaked me the fuck out and I texted a friend through the whole damn thing, because I was watching it alone. I recently watched Insidious,  and that had elements of White Noise along with demons, exorcisms, psychics, possessions, murder... it was like a mixed bag of horror, but it wasn't really nightmare fodder for me (it should be noted I don't have nightmares).

Hahaha wtf this is perfect

I don't think it's that I've become numb to the horror genre, growing up in the 1980's which was Renaissance of Freddy, Jason, and Michael Meyers, or the 1990's with Chucky (okay, I admit, Chucky did give me the creeps, because I don't like automata, and a doll moving by itself is less possession and more automata to me).  I grew up watching horror, Tales from the Crypt on HBO (I loved the Crypt Keeper, there was something endearing about him) and all the new movies rented from the video store. My parents took me to see Pet Sematary at the local drive-in when I was 9, and once it came out on cable, they taped it and I watched it on repeat every day of my summer vacation. I'm not numb to it, and it's not that I've seen it all, it's just that it's not scary to me.

Maybe that's not it, either.

You see, I'm one of those annoying movie-talkers. I can't enjoy something unless I'm ripping it apart. Horror movies these days leave too many gaps, too many plot holes and inconsistencies for me to notice, to ferret out and expose. By then, I've figured the movie out and I'm no longer entertained by it. Screenwriters and directors are getting sloppy. They're churning out crap to make release dates in order to gain the top spot in the box office. Sure, less intelligent, less discerning moviegoers will enjoy something that will leave me bored to tears. I enjoy gore too. Don't get me wrong. That's why I enjoyed the reboot of Texas Chainsaw Massacre but honestly? The girl and baby live? Fuck that noise.

I want an intelligent, well thought-out horror movie. The Saw movies offered that, until they kept churning out sequels for the money machine that I never bothered to see. But when I first saw Saw, I was mesmerized. Here was gore, here was a mindfuck, here was a brilliant killer who didn't kill. It was executed so well. The next two movies worked so well also (although Saw 2, I admit, was weak). It was almost cerebral. The FX series American Horror Story has me absolutely in love. It has a certain creepiness, a lot of intelligence, and a subtlety to the horror that I can really appreciate. In the first season, there are characters that are dead that you don't realize until the season is almost over. If you can, pick it up in stores, season two starts this Wednesday, and looks to be awesome, from the teasers they've put on Facebook.

Tonight I saw Sinister, which I had been looking forward to since I saw the first trailer. I'm not going to say that I was disappointed, because I wasn't, but it wasn't all I had hoped. Certain plot elements were introduced but not built up enough or enough back story presented. It was, however, scored exceptionally well, and there was a delicious creep factor. It just needed more. Sinister just didn't feel like a complete film to me. Don't let this prevent you from seeing it-- there were some great scary moments, jump out at you moments, and as I mentioned, scored exceptionally well to fit what was happening in the scene. I  will note that in the previews before the movie there was one for a movie called Mama that looks really, really promising. Like, creepy dead shit good.

Please don't let it suck.

The Best Role Model Today

This post was bound to happen eventually.

I can't help it. I have a huge love for drag queens in general, but I really have to dedicate an entry to RuPaul, and not for the reasons you'd think.

In this day and age when reality TV is flooding our senses and young people with less than savory characters and athletes are doping and movie stars are drunk driving and snorting coke in bathrooms,  we despair that there are no more positive role models left. I beg to differ. There's RuPaul. Despite being a drag queen, there's nothing disingenuous about him. He doesn't lead you to believe he is really a woman; on the contrary, he's quite frank about having to tuck.

The big thing about RuPaul that makes him such a great role mode though, is his positivity. Watch his shows, Drag Race and Drag U, some time. Sure, Drag Race is a little gritty, since it's a competition between drag queens, but the core message he gives the competitors is "if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anyone else? (can I get an amen?)" You have to remember, a lot of the competitors on Drag Race are coming from less than supportive homes, were bullied, disowned, had their self esteem ripped apart, and were only brought back up through the drag community. RuPaul as a pioneer has provided them, by his very presence, a safe space and a positive place to grow. Let's look at Drag U, since I just finished watching season one. In Drag U, three women with image issues come to be made over by previous contestants of Drag race. Maybe they've always been picked on, maybe they're overweight, maybe they just don't feel sexy or happy in their own skin any more. RuPaul assigns each woman a beautiful drag queen to help her regain her femininity, confidence, and make her over.

Even RuPaul's music is positive. It's always upbeat, poppy, and full of positive messages. And some of it is actually really good. You can't help but feel uplifted and in a better mood after listening to it. I mean, look at the lyrics for Champion. That's some motivational speaker material there if I ever saw it.

You don't have to love RuPaul, but certainly, even the biggest drag queen hater (if they exist) can admire the positive energy he puts out in the universe. Everybody say love!

TV is Bad for [Your Cat's] Health

Last night, I settled in to bed, not ready to sleep for a while, but as I normally do, I popped a movie in and grabbed my book, ready for a night of cuddles from the cats. Calypso hopped up on the bed, walked all over me, purring and shedding (thankfully, not drooling this time) and then she sat on the edge of the bed to watch TV. At this point, it was just previews, but she was rapt, her satellite dish ears fully forward, big eyes fixed. And then I hit play on the main menu (tonight it was Snow White and the Huntsman) and she kept watching, even through the parts that were slow, boring, or otherwise known as Kristen Stewart trying to act. All jesting aside, she was watching the parts where there was no fast movement or sound that would otherwise keep a cat's attention.

Amongst her other hobbies, knocking over stacks of shoe boxes

This isn't the first time she's sat and watched TV. She used to love Ugly Betty, sitting by her water cup on the side table to watch. If anything, Calypso always sits a safe distance from the TV. That's what makes it so hard to get photographic evidence. She's not one of  those cats that wants to get up and chase what's on the screen. She watches. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in her head. How much she understands.

She also enjoyed Hunger Games

Now, Eden will sometimes watch TV, but I don't think she has the patience for it. And some cats will only watch stuff that's obviously grabbing their attention, like action sequences. I had a  cat named Spunky once who would watch an entire episode of Xena with me on a Saturday because it's all action. It's like watching birds to them, I guess. But what would possess Calypso to sit and watch a movie? She watched maybe a half hour of Snow White and the Huntsman last night until she decided to nap, then woke up and watched more. I have no idea how much she actually watched while it played on repeat while I slept.

Eden, watching Hoarders

 

Eden did watch half an episode of Hoarders with me on my laptop one evening. I think she can relate, since she steals things and then hides them in her favorite hidey-hole. She did leave, with an angry brr midway through, though; I think she got frustrated with the people in the episode and their obstinance.  But why would a cat sit and watch Hoarders? It baffled me, but she sat there, on the back of my bed, eyes glued to the computer screen.

So I propose this: cats are using media to learn more about us in their eventual takeover of the planet. Based on what they're learning from, it's not going to be pretty.