I Had This Awful Dream

I took a nap this afternoon and had an awful dream that John got someone else pregnant and wouldn't tell me who. In the dream, I got the impression that he wanted the other woman to keep the baby. It really bothered me, and when I woke up, I realized that this dream was based on fear over loss of control. In the dream, I had no control over the situation. In real life, I do. I'm on birth control, and I'm never worried about pregnancy. I'm staunchly childfree and have stated, in no uncertain terms, that if I got pregnant, I would get an abortion. Period. The end.

Sometimes my open talk about abortion makes John uncomfortable, and I think it's mostly because he's a lot more conservative than I am. I think I surprised him the other day, though, when a Palmer's Cocoa Butter commercial came on and I hid my face and asked him to tell me when it was done. I am thoroughly grossed out by pregnant stomachs. Not only do I never want to be pregnant, I don't want to see it. It's gross. It's not a miracle, it's a biological function, a parasite. But I think I actually have a legitimate phobia. I was Googling images for this post and had to stop and use a different search term, because I was being visually assaulted with pregnant bellies. Not pretty.

I'm still a feminist. But I'm allowed to be grossed out.