Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Actualization of the Negative

I was thinking today that since my diagnosis of bipolar, I have had a lot more clarity of who I am and have become a lot more accepting of that person. I knew who I was before, but I had to really understand it before I made sense of myself. I am comfortable with who I am, flaws and all.

I suspect people find me off-putting because I'm very negative. I always have been. Ever the pessimist, I look at the negative in everything.  Life has hardened me and made me bitter and perhaps made my world view a bit more negative. I use the word hate a lot. And yes, I do truly hate. I'm not  going to be one of those hippy-dippy people who think that to be truly happy you have to let go of all negative emotions; negative emotions, along with the positive, make us a balanced person. I think embracing the negative emotions makes a person more honest. I know I've felt like a more honest person when I let go and just felt.

I am a lusty person. I have been a sexual person for a long time despite my late entry into non-virginhood. As we know, I took hold of my sexuality and ran with it. Sure, seducing married and otherwise taken men wasn't the nicest thing in the world to do, but it was fun. And I have had fun with my sexuality since then. I've been accused of being a cock tease. I cheat at bowling by wearing low-cut shirts strategically on nights that we bowl certain teams. I tease and I taunt and I get what I want. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I won't get into a lecture about slut shaming, but I am of the thought that a woman should be able to express her sexuality without reproach, and be proud of her womanhood.

I swear I have one of these possessing me right now

And I am vengeful. Oh boy do I hold a grudge. I will gather every scrap of information on someone who has insulted me, or done me wrong all to destroy them. I'll go to lengths to get this information, including creating fake Facebook accounts. Isn't the old adage "Know thine enemy?" I don't want to just hurt the people who hurt me, I want them destroyed. Sometimes the only comfort I have when I'm in a rage is to embrace the overwhelming need to seek vengeance. Over the years I've become really good at information gathering. I used to gather dirt for my friends. It's... kind of fun, actually.

I know I'm only focusing on negative things, but that's because this is what's been on my mind. I do have happy emotions, but people are all to easy to accept those; it's far more difficult to look at the negative and say "this is me, and it's okay." Once you stop living to other people's expectations of how you should be and live how you are, it's kind of liberating.

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