That Same Old Dead Feeling

I hate my mental illness. I really do. No matter what I say about learning and growing from it, learning about myself and what triggers me, sometimes it just creeps up on me and I hate it. Lately I have been feeling dead inside again. I have no logical reason to-- I landed an excellent job in less than a month since losing my old position due to lack of funding. I found a job before the state unemployment got figured out (and still hasn't). But all I want to do is crawl out of my skin, find a green place and escape. I want a house set back in the woods where I can be alone and be left alone. Left alone with my cats and some gardens and trees. I want to be on the edge of the wild. My heart longs for it. I feel so empty, my heart feels empty, and I need the forest, I need the solitude, and those things aren't within reach right now. All I can do is sit around and let this emptiness consume me as I prepare for my first day of work tomorrow. The soul-crushing thing is that with my current student loan and car loan debt, I couldn't dream of being able to afford land and a house to put on it. I'll be stuck in an apartment, surrounded by neighbors and noise forever. I hope this spiral into a pit of nothingness passes soon.

Gaming while Female

I love video games. I've written about it before. I've been playing World of Warcraft off and on for about 10 years, among other games. When I'm not running around solo,  I typically play with a small group of people from my guild; we all know each other, and many of us have met. Sometimes, however, we will have to invite a stranger to our group, this is fine. What I've noticed, however, is that almost every time-- and also when strangers interact with me in game-- I am misgendered. The kicker was when a guildee who knows better  misgendered me in guild chat. I have wracked my brain to understand this. Even when I played a typically "female" class-- my mage or priest-- I get called "dude" (which I see as kind of gender-neutral, honestly), "bro," or "man."  But I primarily play a melee class these days. To the right is my demon hunter. Yes, I play a female character, but a lot of guys play female characters too. Armor sets tend to look... better on them. But why is it I am constantly being misgendered? Let's unpack this, list style!

A) The pervasively inaccurate myth that women don't play video games. In fact, women in my age bracket are a main demographic

1. Also, toxic masculinity 
2. The myth that female gamers are casual, when there are female players soloing end bosses of raids

B) My play style

1. I play a melee class now, although I used to play ranged DPS. But women are expected to be ranged DPS or healers
2. I am competitive. I don't like to lose
3. I am an aggressive player. I like to be big-dick DPS in dungeons and raids and I go balls-deep into player vs. player
1. The fact that I even PVP is often seen as more masculine, however one of the best PVPer's I used to run with was female, back in the day
2. The fact that I rarely bother with a dungeon any more unless it's a keystone mythic and I want to do higher and higher ones

C) My goddamn mouth

D) The fact that I also tank, which is seen as masculine, although there are excellent female tanks

E) The fact that some of my female characters are nearly naked

I've stopped correcting people any more. It's not worth the time, especially if it's some random person I'll never encounter in game again. The exception was the guildee, and she had rubbed me the wrong way prior to that. What do you think, gentle reader? Have you experienced misgendering in a video game, whether male or female? Do you stay out of voice chats so that you avoid people knowing your gender?

ungandiR

Photo credit to this person

In the last several months, I have been really feeling more in tune with my spiritual nature than I have in a long time, to the point that, when I say the word "shaman" in the context of myself, I don't feel weird or Pagan-hokey. Heathenry is an intellectual curiosity, but way too prescriptive for my nature. But listening to Nordic-inspired/proto-Nordic-inspired music stirs my soul, and makes me realize that my spiritual nature needs to be fed, yet I feel like I have no outlet.

I need an altar.

I feel like such a creeper when I ask my hunter friends for bones and skulls, but I desperately want a deer skull to the the focal point of the altar. I feel so closely tied to the forest, and to honor that, the bones of the lord of the forest are needed. I would ask his spirit for his blessing, and surround him with objects honoring the forest and the earth.

I need space for my altar.

I need easy access to the forest to feed my soul. I need a place where I can build a fire and dance around it to the beat of a frame drum.

More and more, I want a house, set away from people, on lots of forested land. I want to be that shaman in the woods. I want to have gardens full of herbs and mumble wise things, like observing the leaves showing their backs and knowing it'll rain.

As much as I hate the winter in Maine, I feel so connected to it. I'll always be a child of springtime, but this winter has given me a lot of time to reflect on my shamanic tendencies. It makes me think I'll live a very lonely, solitary existence.


ungandiR roughly translated means "I (am) the priest, I (am) invulnerable to sorcery" is from the Nordhuglo rune stone in Norway.

Norse/Scandinavian folk I've been listening to:

Wardruna (will be seeing them in concert in February)
Heilung  (watch their amazing concert Lifa on Youtube. Serious shaman headdress envy)
Kaunan (very folksy)
Danheim (only recently discovered yesterday, already love them)

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I took the picture of the nearly-full Wolf moon to the right on December 31, 2017, the last day of my employment. I am starting out this new year unemployed, however unlike past periods of unemployment, I'm... calm. I did have a bad spell a few weeks prior to my job ending, but as I got closer to the day, I got calmer and calmer. Granted, I did cry a few times on my last day, but when you've created close bonds with people, enjoy what you do, and people have told you how valuable your work has been, that can be emotional. In the spring, when I started looking for jobs in earnest, I didn't have the confidence that I had the skills it took to be successful. The last 6 months have proven that wrong, and I have a resume that people are actually looking at now.

When I was complaining about my microwave the other night to Joe, he told me to go get a new one. I told him that wasn't in the budget since I don't currently have a job. His retort was that I seem--and have seemed-- unconcerned with that fact. And it's true. I am unconcerned. I'm not going to recklessly spend money, but I'm not freaking out. I have a final paycheck coming, and holiday pay, and I've applied for unemployment. Unlike prior years, I won't have to fight for unemployment, because I was laid off, not fired. I have a little cash set aside. I have a little in savings. I have plenty of staple foods in my cupboards (beans, rice, frozen veggies, frozen meat). I survive, and I'm not worried.

Instead of freaking out this time around, I found comfort not only in knowing I would have a little time to myself (I never took vacation time while I was working) but also that I have prospects lined up and likely won't be unemployed for long. Probably just long enough for me to start getting bored with being home all the time. I'm looking forward to reading, gaming, taking care of myself, and hanging out with my cats. I'm taking solace in the fact that, as a snowstorm is preparing to barrel down on the state tomorrow, I won't have to worry about trying to drive to a job in it or in its aftermath.

This is the calmest I've ever been without a job.

I could get used to this serenity.