Friday, November 2, 2012

Losing Something and Wanting it Back

I used to beat my face every day just to go to work in a call center. I constantly watched Youtube videos and was very active in makeup communities. I have a vast collection of MAC eyeshadows and many of their cheek products. I used to do it every day. Sometimes, I'd hang out in my bathroom swatching eyeshadows and pigments to come up with new color combinations. I lived for it. I could spot counterfeit MAC brushes and products on ebay easily. I was wary of swaps with poor feedback. I craved the discontinued product and pounced on any new-in-box item I could find on ebay. I have a full brush roll of MAC brushes, some of which are duplicates because they are some that I use a lot. Expensive brushes. Expensive cleaner for them. 

I'm trying really hard to remember when the last time I did a full face was, aside from Halloween (and that was greasepaint, not real makeup unlike previous Halloweens). A full face: primer, concealer, foundation, contour, blush, highlight, shadow primer, multiple eyeshadows, eyeliner, mascara, brows. Lipstick and gloss. Lipliner if it's red. I'm sad to say, I think it was last September, when I attended a wedding with John. I don't even think I beat my mug for his company Christmas party.

A Halloween past
On Halloween, even though it was greasepaint, I realized I missed the process, I missed being the pretty girl. It's so hard, though, when you have absolutely nowhere to go, no reason to be done up. I've realized it's been a huge blow to my self esteem. I went to put on eyeliner last week and had to use one I didn't like much because my gel liner had dried and cracked. It upset me more than a dried out liner should. That dried out liner symbolized how much I just haven't cared in the last year or more. About anything. It's so fucking depressing. I used to be makeup and heels every day and now I can barely deal with putting on eyeshadow any more. 

I want that life again.

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