Sunday, November 4, 2012

Driving on the Lawn

I can be pretty passive aggressive sometimes. It's a skill I learned from my mother (hi Mom!) and honed over a sulky adolescence. It's one of my greatest weapons. I also hate my neighbors directly across the street with a passion and I don't hide it. Oh no, I exercise every passive aggressive muscle in my body.

It started by using my natural inability to back up my car properly by backing too far out of my driveway and backing a little onto their lawn, which they mow twice a week in the summer. My Dad raised me to never walk on anyone's lawn (so dealing with the neighborhood kids who cut across the lawn because they're too lazy to walk around the corner is going to be something I'll have to do without throwing rocks at them) and god help you if you ever let your car tire hit the lawn. So in my passive aggressiveness, deliberately letting my tires roll onto their lawn and grind in as I turn my wheel is the ultimate disrespect. At least in my book.

My neighbors also have a small, football-sized white yap dog named Bentley, which will heretofore be called "my hat" because that's what I call it. I always say I'm going to make a hat out of it. As a disclaimer though, I love animals and would never hurt one ever, but I would love it if they would train it to not bark constantly. Constantly. When they let it outside it's like letting off a bomb of barking, you know, that annoying little dog verbal assault? Also, they never leash it so it's always in the road, and it really would be a bad think if it go hit. At times, it has come over to my yard. My yard. God help me if I find dog shit in my yard. We had a neighbor who let their dog shit in our yard and my cousin had to deal with it. This neighbor won't like me. Anyway, when I realized my tomatoes were blighted this summer I started throwing the rotten ones out in the road in the hopes that My Hat would roll in them, because  dogs roll in disgusting stuff.

One thing I did that wasn't passive aggressive though, was calling the cops on my neighbors about two or three times this summer because they broke the town ordinance on fireworks. I really hate fireworks.

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