A Very Feminist and Animist Poem About Hiking

 How does hiking make me feel;

My thick thighs trembling

with

each

step

My calves rock hard, tense

   crashing against each other

Sweat starting, pricking my scalp

Down the back of my neck

My back

Glowing on my rounded shoulders, glinting on collarbones

Long hair like a veil sweeping it away

I like my own smell

My own odeur 

The primal scent

Mixing with the sunscreen that is sliding off, never enough

Until I am nut brown,

Freckled 

On my shoulders

My forearms bronze

Saying hello to every

Rock

Tree

Mushroom

Bird

Animal

Like they are old friends

     (they are,  my inner animist says)

You have known them before you were born and you will know them after you die and you will know them 

forever.

When I menstruate during a hike

I feel

Female with a capital F

Part of a cosmic womanhood

Embraced and swallowed by the 

Earth

Small

Insignificant

Strong

But

Easily crushed

Like the insects I swat away

Little drops of blood swelling, given to the Earth

I am She and She is Me and we are together intertwined in the woods

Trying to find Cultural Heritage

 I am obsessed with Native TikTok. I love watching the dancers show off their regalia and dances, I love the history lessons, the bannock/frybread recipes, the sharing of culture, and the comedy? The comedy is pure fire. I soak it up and want more. I think I glom onto things like this, and other platforms where people share their culture, because I feel like, as a white person, I don't have that cultural connection. I did a 23&me kit as part of a mental illness study and it just confirmed what I already knew: largely British Isles and French/German (I always used to say French but the borders have been ever-changing throughout history) with my mother's people emigrating from Canada to the United States within the past century or so. And I cling to that French-Canadian side because it's something. I've even written about my French-Canadian heritage before and felt a great connection to it when I went to Quebec a couple years ago.

But while I claim my French-Canadian heritage, what do I really have to celebrate it? Tourtiere pie and a family recipe for molasses cookies. A specific way of saying French last names and some words. But... that's it. And it still feels hollow. I don't really know where I'm going with this, in my head I was thinking this would be a much more thought-out and detailed post but... I feel like I'm grasping, the same way I'm trying to grasp a cultural identity. 

Does anyone else have this problem as a mixed-heritage white person in the United States?

I. Am. Exhausted.

 I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted for a year now. Every day as new cases mount and new deaths are reported, I feel the weight of unshakable emotional fatigue. It's inescapable. I get 2 days off to recharge but it never feels like enough. With this in mind, I say, with the utmost rudeness and bluntness:

Don't ask me to do shit.

I am completely tapped out to the point of self-neglect, I don't have the time or mental energy to give to anyone else. The holidays were completely exhausting and not restful. Today is the first day I spent an hour on the treadmill in over 4 months. My running stamina is gone. I've barely worked out and my eating spiraled out of control during the last few months because I was so exhausted I couldn't bring myself to cook healthy meals or move. All I wanted to do was lay on my couch in my blanket, eating a bag of popcorn with nutritional yeast and binge watch my favorite shows. My sink is piled up, everything is a mess, and I just am not giving my labor-- physical or emotional-- to anyone right now. I need to take care of myself, because daily I am close to burnout and there is no end in sight.

So don't ask. Anything. The only person I am giving any mental energy to is my sister, because a) I volunteered to help her, b) she's my sister and has been a pillar of strength and support for me, and c) the spreadsheet she made for her business' finances was physically painful to look at. But that's it. 

I'm going to sit here with my vibrantly green post-workout smoothie and do whatever the hell I want to do with my free time. Maybe I'll log back into WoW. Maybe I'll read. Maybe I'll start a craft project. But it will be for my own mental health, and not anyone else's. 

On a completely separate note, I'm noticing a lot of hits to my blog from around the world, and a lot of my much, much older posts getting repeat hits. I wonder if they're bots or real people? If you are a real person, say hello, and tell me what brought you here. I'm curious, and Google analytics isn't very intuitive.

A Rural Person's Review of Vegan Foods You Didn't Ask For

 

For the second year in a row, I am doing Veganuary, a month of vegan eating in the month of January. Last year was very successful for me, and admittedly, I eat vegan-- or at the least ovo-vegetarian-- most of the time any way because of cost. I consume a lot of media about veganism/vegan recipes, and living in Central Maine, often get frustrated when I can't find the products or ingredients that are mentioned by Youtubers and bloggers that live in or near larger, urban centers. Now, I will say that my local grocery stores have vastly improved in their vegan selections from last year, but I still live in a pretty rural area and by virtue of that, the demand isn't that high. I made a special trip to Portland last night after work not only to replenish some pantry staples from Trader Joe's (their hearty vegetable broth is my absolute favorite), but also to look at the selection of things I'd heard of but never seen or tried before at Whole Foods. I do want to note that these are nice-to-haves, for when you're transitioning your diet or want a treat, and in no way necessities. Most of the time I'm eating whole-food plant-based, but it's nice to have something I can just throw in the air fryer or nuke in the microwave when I'm tired or have a headache (which seems to be a majority of this month, grr, thankfully Pepsi is vegan). These are just products I've had personal experience with, but I have impeccable taste* and an adventurous palate, so you should trust me. I make no claims to the healthiness of these products, as I said, they're nice-to-have products. I'm not including milk alternatives because that is largely a manner of preference, nor am I including dairy-free yogurts because I have tried so many and some are truly awful and I have tried to erase them from my memory. I just eat the Silk vanilla soy yogurt.

In no particular order (but trying to keep similar products grouped), my list, with review, and links to relevant products.

Breakfast Sausage

1. Beyond Breakfast Sausage: These are just *chef's kiss* so good. I loved the breakfast sausage before it was available in stores, when I had it in the vegan Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich (which they apparent discontinued, what the hell) when I went to Canada. Unfortunately the consumer product is small, not a sandwich-sized patty, which sucks, but they taste so good.
2. MorningStar Farms Original Sausage Patties: These are super good, but also small like the Beyond patties. I like these as much--maybe more-- than the Beyond, and they're affordable too. These do have the benefit of coming in a resealable bag, where the Beyond come in a box that doesn't have a closure.

Egg Products

1. Just Egg Folded: You know how your favorite non-McDonald's breakfast sandwich has that egg, kind of fluffy but kind of dry, that doesn't taste like much but the sandwich just wouldn't be the same without it? That's what the Just Egg Folded is like. It's not bad, and tastes like those eggs. Processed, pre-cooked fast food eggs. Satisfying, when you really want a breakfast sandwich, and really quick to cook. Also, for a 4-serving box, way, way cheaper than the liquid Just Egg (which I haven't tried, but I've seen the price of and holy hell).

Vegan Cheeses and Spreads

1. Chao Creamery Original Slices: Are you detecting a trend in breakfast sandwich makings yet? I'll be honest, this is the only sliced vegan cheese I've tried. It's readily available where I live, and tastes/smells like white American cheese (although less salty) and melts really well. Makes a great grilled cheese sandwich.
2. Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds: Melts great, a (slightly) more affordable option for pizza cheese, but still more than normal cheese. I've never really eaten it outside of being melted on something. Because it melts great, it will definitely give you cheese burn when you bite into your pizza without letting it cool for a minute.
3. Violife Just Like Mozzarella Shreds: I'll be honest, I haven't had these since last year. They're really good, melts great, slightly more expensive than Daiya, but it seems like the price may have gone down a little. Either that, or my recollection is shitty, which is quite possible.
4.  Miyoko's Garlic Herb Cheese Wheel: Super tasty, like a wheel of Boursin, but hella expensive. A nice treat on crackers with vegetables.
5. Daiya Chive & Onion Cream Cheez Style Spread: Weird texture, not like cream cheese at all. Weird film in my mouth after. This had been sitting in my fridge a year unfinished and I just threw it out. Make mostly of oils, so it hadn't gone bad, per se, but had dried out. Not a fan.
6. Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese: Not quite cream cheese texture, and lacks that certain tang, but not bad at all (and has a little bit of protein too, since it's made from tofu). Throw some Trader Joe's Everything But the Bagel seasoning on it and you're good to go.
7. Violife Epic Mature Cheddar Flavor Block: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet.

Nuggies and Tendies

1. Gardein Seven Grain Crispy Tenders: Listen, these don't taste like much, but I love them. Maybe it's their accessibility (you can find them everywhere), maybe it's their crunch, maybe it's their low price point or the fact that they're relatively low in calorie so you can eat two servings. Who knows? These are my OG vegan nugget, and I love them. They can do no wrong, especially dipped in barbecue sauce.
2. MorningStar Farms Chik'n Nuggets: These are... meh. Like, they're not bad but if there are other, better nuggets available, I'll buy those first. These are more of a desperation nugget. Tolerable, but not my favorite.
3. Jack & Annie's Crispy Nuggets: These are really new to my local grocery store and they are really good. The outside is like a McDonald's nugget. The inside is almost there, texture-wise, maybe a little too moist, and a bit bland (all the flavoring is in the coating) but these are still really tasty, and a handy thing in the air fryer.
4. Quorn Meatless Spicy Patties: I love these. There is almost always a box of these in my freezer, Veganuary or not. They're fucking delicious. I'd rather have these than a chicken patty, any day, hands down. 
5. Sweet Earth Mindful Chik'n: Oh god this is so gross, even the sauce I covered it with couldn't save it. 

Sausages other than Breakfast

1. Beyond Sausage Hot Italian: I used these last year to veganize zuppa toscana. They're good, the flavor is there, but be warned, they get a weird, kind of slimy texture when boiled. I think it's the "casing" they use, which is made from algenate. I'd like to eventually try the normal flavor cooked like an Italian sausage.
2. Sweet Earth Ginger Scallion Sausage: These are... I go back and forth on these a little, because they have a weird aftertaste and the texture is weird due to the inclusion of seeds, but they're not bad. They're just okay. I bought them because I had a coupon and paired them with roasted vegetables. Need more garlic flavor.
3. Gardein Sliced Italian Saus'age: Again, something that is just okay. Good flavor (I threw these into a pasta sauce) but a weird texture kind of like the Sweet Earth ones. I haven't tried them unsauced but I still have some in the freezer I could cook up.
4. Sweet Earth Benevolent Bacon: No. Weird texture (it's seitan-based), weird sweet flavor, burns easily. Do not recommend. Sweet Earth does many things right, but not bacon.
5. Field Roast Italian Garlic & Fennel: These aren't bad. You have to cut the casing off first, which is annoying, but not a terrible inconvenience. I put these on a pizza. Tasty.
6. Tofurkey Plant-Based Hickory Smoked Deli Slices: Definitely not my favorite. I bought them for a sandwich to pack for hiking (I didn't want actual meat because I was afraid it would turn before lunch) and they're meh, but with other things tolerable. Not something I would buy again.

Burgers

1. Sweet Earth Awesome Burger: Of the many things Sweet Earth does right, it's burgers. These are hands-down one of my favorite plant-based faux meat burgers on the market. The price point is affordable, they're available even at my grocery store, and they taste really good and have a great texture. Another plus is that they don't reek to high heavens like Beyond burgers do, they actually smell nice and smoky when cooking. A+, highly recommend. 
2. Beyond Burger: A really good, solid burger. They smell terrible when you're cooking them, though, but they taste great and have a good texture. I do prefer Sweet Earth, but I definitely like Beyond too, they're just a bit more expensive.
3. Gardein Ultimate Plant-Based Burger: These are great. Comparable to the Sweet Earth burgers, slightly lower price point, and you cook them from frozen, which is handy and saves fridge space (but takes freezer space which for me is... premium). 
4. Dr. Praeger's Sweet Heat Beet Veggie Burgers: Just okay. Definitely doesn't taste like meat, but I don't think they're supposed to. I still have one of these in my freezer taking up valuable space so I might cook it soon. I think I don't reach for it is because it's a little higher in calorie than some of the faux meats are.
5. Trader Joe's Turkeyless Protein Patties: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet (but excited to, they have good reviews!)

I feel like I'm missing something in this category but I can't think what. I'm not putting Impossible burgers here because I haven't bought the consumer product yet.

Frozen Items

1. Sweet Earth Bowls: Another thing Sweet Earth does well are their frozen meals, namely their bowls. I love the General Tso's Tofu, but the Awesome Bulgogi is really good too (although it needs more veggies). I like to grab these from the grocery store on days that I was too lazy to meal prep something for work lunch, since the grocery store near my office has a really good selection of these.
2. Sweet Earth Big Sur Breakfast Burrito: I love breakfast burritos and this one is really good. A tad bland, but throw some chili garlic Cholula on it and you're golden. Another thing I like to grab for a quick lazy lunch or dinner, and becoming more readily available (although I usually have to go to Target or Walmart for these).
3. Gardein Saus'age & Homestyle Gravy Bowl: I am a northerner that loves sausage and gravy on biscuits and this satisfies a craving. So good. So hard to find most of the time around here, which makes me sad.
4. Daiya Meatless Pepperoni Pizza: My first impression of this pizza was taking it out of the box, when I felt like it was sold by a company who actually cared what their product looked like. It looked more like a pepperoni pizza than one made out of meat-based pepperoni, and it had a good, even distribution that weren't all piled in one spot. Cheese distribution was really good too. Aside from the visual appeal, this was tasty. I prefer to experiment with my own pizzas (frozen pizza takes up space in my freezer that just doesn't exist) but this is a nice convenience food for when I'm lazy.
5. MorningStar Farms Veggitizers Pizza Bites: These are great. When I want to eat like a 5 year old and want something pizza flavored, I pop a bunch of these in my air fryer and go to town on them. So yummy.
6. Planet Oat Frozen Dessert (Specifically, Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl): Of the non-dairy ice creams I've tried (not just because of Veganuary, but due to lactose intolerance too) this is hands-down the best, and my favorite flavor. It has the texture of dairy ice cream, and manages to be leaps and bounds cheaper than other non-dairy ice creams. I get upset when my flavor is sold out at the store. I wish it came in a size larger than a pint.
7. Ben & Jerry's non-dairy PB & Cookies: I am just not sold on this guys. It's okay, but it definitely tastes like it's made with almond milk and the texture is icy, not as creamy, and they are so, so stingy with the peanut butter in this. Like, what the hell guys? I got it because I had a coupon and that's probably the only time I would, because like their regular dairy flavors, it's expensive.
8. Oatly Frozen Dessert: Just meh. Kind of icy, not very flavorful. It took me a while to finish up a pint because I just didn't care for it that much.

I've tried some other non-dairy ice creams but I am drawing a blank on what ones because once I found the Planet Oat ice cream I've pretty much stuck to that one. I think I tried the So Delicious Oatmilk Frozen Dessert and thought it was okay, but I can't even remember what flavor. It's also expensive.

Snacks on Snacks on Snacks

1. Earth Balance Vegan Cheddar Squares: Man, I do love a good square. These are supposed to be the vegan answer to cheez-its. They taste like they could be an off-brand, but in a good way. They do taste cheesy, and are satisfying. What I like most is that they have this light crispness about them that cheez-its don't have. I wish my grocery store had these because I had to find them at Whole Foods, which is a 70 minute drive from my house. 
2. Hippeas Puffs: These are okay. Weird texture. I thought I had tried a ranch flavor but it's not on their site so maybe it was the white cheddar. 

Jesus is that really it for snacks? That has to be wrong, I love snacks!

Anyway, I may update this post as I try new things, especially since I have a couple placeholders in there for stuff I have but haven't tried yet. I have a bunch of stuff I need to eat first (I see a fridge clean-out fried rice in my near future) before I start tearing into new stuff. I also didn't include beverages like non-dairy iced coffee drinks or protein shakes/powders because I've been underwhelmed by the few drinks I've found and I pretty much only use Orgain vegan protein powder/shakes.

What are your favorite vegan convenience products, and did you have the same thoughts I did? Comment below!

*Debatable

Accepting my Demons, One at a Time

 This is one of my favorite pictures of me, despite it being about 5 years old now and I have since grown my hair out and retired the piercings. Most of my selfies are taken from a strategic angle from above, but this one, I am actually looking down. And I think that's it. I think that's why I like it. But why? 

For a little back story, I took this in my first year of graduate school. I had actually done the makeup because I was doing a presentation in a class and (I think) going out with classmates after. At that time, I was newly single, and had started doing domme work for extra money. My specialty was humiliation and verbal abuse; I never touched a single submissive, it was all done via text, with the exception of a few sessions with a local guy that was into feet. I had always identified myself as being a "switch," someone who was okay being dominated or dominating, and I based this on my limited experience being dominated by a man, and being dominant to the point of being pretty sadistic with a woman that I neither liked or was attracted to. Being a domme taught me a lot about myself. A big thing I learned is that I do not like being dominated outside of a little light ropework and some spanking. I am too dominant and aggressive a person-- albeit introverted-- to submit to anyone, let alone a man. I like dominating men and treating them like shit. I've gotten a lot of compliments on my style and take pride in getting to know my submissive to make their session personal and extra painful. 

But this blog post isn't about me as a domme or sex work (but reminder that sex work is legitimate work) but about how I view men. It took years for me to examine my feelings, wrestling with it through the shambles of a long-distance relationship, and as I carefully constructed responses to decline advances from men when I really wanted to decline them in the most condescending, abusive way possible, I had an epiphany: I don't respect most men. It's a hard thing to admit. When men try to white-knight me, when they send unsolicited dick pics, when they position themselves as "nice guys," (spoiler alert, self-described nice guys aren't nice at all), when they apologize unnecessarily, all I can think of is grinding them under the proverbial heel of my cruelty, and I see, in my head, the picture of me that is above, looking down, cold, indifferent to the viewer, beautiful and untouchable. They are pathetic, and I have power over them. 

As you can imagine, this does not lend itself well to meeting people, especially when you're lonely. It is, however, something I am constantly mindful of when interacting with people. It's not all men, as I said, just most feel so pathetic and unworthy of any time or effort beyond charging them for it. I do make an effort to make meaningful connections, and I can typically tell within a very short time frame if someone falls into category A or category B. I know this is something that seems horrible, why would I admit this, let alone publicly? Because I am, and have always been, a firm believer in introspection, understanding oneself, understanding the why behind the feeling or thought, and either making a modification/learning from it, or accepting it as a facet of who I am. And here we are, the learning and acceptance phase. I once wrote in a long-defunct online journal that people can't hurt me with what I know and accept to be true, and I still believe that.

Ghosted

 Exactly a month ago today is the last time I heard from someone I considered a romantic partner. Someone I was making plans for the future with. Someone I thought might finally be The One. We had a very brief discussion about European metal festivals being scheduled for next year and then... nothing. My messages weren't even opened. My texts have gone unanswered, and while he hasn't unfriended me on any platform, he's been hiding his presence on online spaces we used to spend time with. I'm hurt, but mostly because he's ending a 5 year friendship, and I have no closure as to why. That's what hurts the most. I'm a big girl, I can understand and know when I'm not wanted, and move on from that, but friendships are so valuable and hard to make when you get older that I feel... lost. I see something cool and I can't send it to him. An announcement for a long-anticipated game, movie, or concert? Nope. Because I've been completely ghosted and cut off, and I don't know why. We're 40 years old, we're too old for that shit. I've cycled through a range of emotions, I want to rage, I've cried a little, but mostly, it's hurt. And loneliness. I just want a conversation between adults, I can handle it.

I don't want anyone to vilify him or call him names or give me any of the meaningless, unhelpful platitudes people give at the end of a relationship. I'm focusing on me. I've rebounded with the same person I rebound with every time a relationship dissolves. I'll be fine. I'll double down on saving for a house. It'll be me, and my cats, and it'll be fine.

But my advice, if you're with someone long term, whether friendship or romantic, don't just ghost them unless it's an incredibly toxic, harmful relationship. Be adult enough to have a conversation with them about why things are hanging. Give them some closure.

On Strong Female Friendships

I am a woman that has a hard time forming meaningful female friendships. Not to sound like one of those cringey "I don't get along with women, they're all drama," people, but my issue is having a hard time relating to other women. I'm a middle-aged woman that neither has not wants (or likes) children, I'm happy being alone, and like to talk about stuff that other people find uncomfortable (death and dying, anyone?). I have interests that women my age typically don't. I also have this toxic tendency to fall quickly and madly into (platonic) love with girls that sweep me off my feet with how fun and spontaneous they are. I usually find these girls and befriend them when I am manic, and when the high of the shopping trips, dinners, and platonic cuddling wears off, I realize that they are really bad, toxic people for me. The last such friend like this I had ended up selling prescription drugs and fucked up my taxes to the tune of $1200 that I had to pay back during a period of unemployment. 

Making and maintaining friendships as an adult woman is exhausting and sometimes very frustrating, when I feel like I'm the one always trying to make plans, make connections, so I'm grateful when I can find that rare unicorn of a friend that reaches out, checks in, accepts and appreciates me for who I am, and is content to sit in silence instead of filling the void with useless chatter. A rare friend, indeed, that I can have fun with, hang out with, and not feel exhausted by. I feel like I don't express my appreciation for those few friends enough, and today I realized, as I went on a "cemetery crawl" with my friend Kate, that she is one of those friends that I can always count on, and because we both have our issues, we can be flexible with each other if one is having a bad mental health or physical health day. We can have long meaningful conversations over coffee at Starbucks and have mutual interests we can explore together, but we can be silly and irreverent too without leaving our encounter feeling exhausted by the other. I am so grateful for our friendship, especially at times when I sorely needed distraction from the pain of everyday life. Thank you, Thing 1, for being a unicorn.