I am in a deep depression, friends, and it is bad this time. I have that tight-chest breathlessness of 10 years ago where I feel like I am slowly drowning and can't reach the surface. I feel so fragile, I cry so easily and so often. I'm having a hard time taking care of myself-- all my dishes and silverware are dirty and I can't bring myself to wash them, I eat like crap (but at least, with the amount of ramen I'm consuming it's higher quality stuff and I'm adding vegetables and eggs to it) and have no drive or passion for cooking. The lunches I pack for myself are half-assed with assembly and approach to nutritional value. Everything feels hopeless. Everything feels hard. I get up, go to work, come home, and lay on the couch with Calypso bingeing any BL anime or manga I can find because right now, that's the only thing that makes me even remotely happy or calm. In a couple weeks I'll try to numb the emotional pain with physical pain with a tattoo appointment, but that bit of endorphin-led relief will be very, very fleeting. It's hiking season and I have not yet been out in the woods once, I'm not excited and yearning to be on a mountain peak. I just don't want to do anything.
A General Malaise
Sunday, May 1, 2022
Saturday, November 20, 2021
I Was Diagnosed with a Rare Disease
My eyes are my biggest vanity, despite the disfiguring scar I have on the right side. I love my blue-grey chameleon eyes that I can make look blue or green based on what eyeshadow I wear. I've always been complimented on my eyes. While my astigmatism prevents me from seeing without corrective lenses and from wearing fun SFX contacts, I've never felt betrayed by them like I did the other day. I eat well, I exercise. Exercise may even be my eye's undoing: running--an exercise I love-- can cause further flaking of the pigments. At this point, if I experience blurring after exercise, I need to let my optometrist know, but she hasn't told me not to change anything.
The hardest part of this is the lack of control I have over it. When my cholesterol was high and I felt like shit all the time, I changed my lifestyle and started eating better and exercising. When my bipolar disorder had me in its clutches and medication wasn't working, I started this blog. But this? I can't do anything and that makes me feel a little helpless. I hate it.
Wednesday, October 13, 2021
A Different Type of Body Dysmorphia
Wednesday, June 2, 2021
A Very Feminist and Animist Poem About Hiking
How does hiking make me feel;
My thick thighs trembling
with
each
step
My calves rock hard, tensecrashing against each other
Sweat starting, pricking my scalp
Down the back of my neck
My back
Glowing on my rounded shoulders, glinting on collarbones
Long hair like a veil sweeping it away
I like my own smell
My own odeur
The primal scent
Mixing with the sunscreen that is sliding off, never enough
Until I am nut brown,
Freckled
On my shoulders
My forearms bronze
Saying hello to every
Rock
Tree
Mushroom
Bird
Animal
Like they are old friends
(they are, my inner animist says)
You have known them before you were born and you will know them after you die and you will know them
forever.
When I menstruate during a hike
I feel
Female with a capital F
Part of a cosmic womanhood
Embraced and swallowed by the
Earth
Small
Insignificant
Strong
But
Easily crushed
Like the insects I swat away
Little drops of blood swelling, given to the Earth
I am She and She is Me and we are together intertwined in the woodsThursday, March 18, 2021
Trying to find Cultural Heritage
I am obsessed with Native TikTok. I love watching the dancers show off their regalia and dances, I love the history lessons, the bannock/frybread recipes, the sharing of culture, and the comedy? The comedy is pure fire. I soak it up and want more. I think I glom onto things like this, and other platforms where people share their culture, because I feel like, as a white person, I don't have that cultural connection. I did a 23&me kit as part of a mental illness study and it just confirmed what I already knew: largely British Isles and French/German (I always used to say French but the borders have been ever-changing throughout history) with my mother's people emigrating from Canada to the United States within the past century or so. And I cling to that French-Canadian side because it's something. I've even written about my French-Canadian heritage before and felt a great connection to it when I went to Quebec a couple years ago.
But while I claim my French-Canadian heritage, what do I really have to celebrate it? Tourtiere pie and a family recipe for molasses cookies. A specific way of saying French last names and some words. But... that's it. And it still feels hollow. I don't really know where I'm going with this, in my head I was thinking this would be a much more thought-out and detailed post but... I feel like I'm grasping, the same way I'm trying to grasp a cultural identity.
Does anyone else have this problem as a mixed-heritage white person in the United States?
Saturday, January 23, 2021
I. Am. Exhausted.
I'm exhausted. I've been exhausted for a year now. Every day as new cases mount and new deaths are reported, I feel the weight of unshakable emotional fatigue. It's inescapable. I get 2 days off to recharge but it never feels like enough. With this in mind, I say, with the utmost rudeness and bluntness:
Don't ask me to do shit.
I am completely tapped out to the point of self-neglect, I don't have the time or mental energy to give to anyone else. The holidays were completely exhausting and not restful. Today is the first day I spent an hour on the treadmill in over 4 months. My running stamina is gone. I've barely worked out and my eating spiraled out of control during the last few months because I was so exhausted I couldn't bring myself to cook healthy meals or move. All I wanted to do was lay on my couch in my blanket, eating a bag of popcorn with nutritional yeast and binge watch my favorite shows. My sink is piled up, everything is a mess, and I just am not giving my labor-- physical or emotional-- to anyone right now. I need to take care of myself, because daily I am close to burnout and there is no end in sight.
So don't ask. Anything. The only person I am giving any mental energy to is my sister, because a) I volunteered to help her, b) she's my sister and has been a pillar of strength and support for me, and c) the spreadsheet she made for her business' finances was physically painful to look at. But that's it.
I'm going to sit here with my vibrantly green post-workout smoothie and do whatever the hell I want to do with my free time. Maybe I'll log back into WoW. Maybe I'll read. Maybe I'll start a craft project. But it will be for my own mental health, and not anyone else's.
On a completely separate note, I'm noticing a lot of hits to my blog from around the world, and a lot of my much, much older posts getting repeat hits. I wonder if they're bots or real people? If you are a real person, say hello, and tell me what brought you here. I'm curious, and Google analytics isn't very intuitive.
Saturday, January 16, 2021
A Rural Person's Review of Vegan Foods You Didn't Ask For
For the second year in a row, I am doing Veganuary, a month of vegan eating in the month of January. Last year was very successful for me, and admittedly, I eat vegan-- or at the least ovo-vegetarian-- most of the time any way because of cost. I consume a lot of media about veganism/vegan recipes, and living in Central Maine, often get frustrated when I can't find the products or ingredients that are mentioned by Youtubers and bloggers that live in or near larger, urban centers. Now, I will say that my local grocery stores have vastly improved in their vegan selections from last year, but I still live in a pretty rural area and by virtue of that, the demand isn't that high. I made a special trip to Portland last night after work not only to replenish some pantry staples from Trader Joe's (their hearty vegetable broth is my absolute favorite), but also to look at the selection of things I'd heard of but never seen or tried before at Whole Foods. I do want to note that these are nice-to-haves, for when you're transitioning your diet or want a treat, and in no way necessities. Most of the time I'm eating whole-food plant-based, but it's nice to have something I can just throw in the air fryer or nuke in the microwave when I'm tired or have a headache (which seems to be a majority of this month, grr, thankfully Pepsi is vegan). These are just products I've had personal experience with, but I have impeccable taste* and an adventurous palate, so you should trust me. I make no claims to the healthiness of these products, as I said, they're nice-to-have products. I'm not including milk alternatives because that is largely a manner of preference, nor am I including dairy-free yogurts because I have tried so many and some are truly awful and I have tried to erase them from my memory. I just eat the Silk vanilla soy yogurt.
In no particular order (but trying to keep similar products grouped), my list, with review, and links to relevant products.
Breakfast Sausage
- Beyond Breakfast Sausage: These are just *chef's kiss* so good. I loved the breakfast sausage before it was available in stores, when I had it in the vegan Tim Horton's breakfast sandwich (which they apparent discontinued, what the hell) when I went to Canada. Unfortunately the consumer product is small, not a sandwich-sized patty, which sucks, but they taste so good.
- MorningStar Farms Original Sausage Patties: These are super good, but also small like the Beyond patties. I like these as much--maybe more-- than the Beyond, and they're affordable too. These do have the benefit of coming in a resealable bag, where the Beyond come in a box that doesn't have a closure.
- Just Egg Folded: You know how your favorite non-McDonald's breakfast sandwich has that egg, kind of fluffy but kind of dry, that doesn't taste like much but the sandwich just wouldn't be the same without it? That's what the Just Egg Folded is like. It's not bad, and tastes like those eggs. Processed, pre-cooked fast food eggs. Satisfying, when you really want a breakfast sandwich, and really quick to cook. Also, for a 4-serving box, way, way cheaper than the liquid Just Egg (which I haven't tried, but I've seen the price of and holy hell).
- Chao Creamery Original Slices: Are you detecting a trend in breakfast sandwich makings yet? I'll be honest, this is the only sliced vegan cheese I've tried. It's readily available where I live, and tastes/smells like white American cheese (although less salty) and melts really well. Makes a great grilled cheese sandwich.
- Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds: Melts great, a (slightly) more affordable option for pizza cheese, but still more than normal cheese. I've never really eaten it outside of being melted on something. Because it melts great, it will definitely give you cheese burn when you bite into your pizza without letting it cool for a minute.
- Violife Just Like Mozzarella Shreds: I'll be honest, I haven't had these since last year. They're really good, melts great, slightly more expensive than Daiya, but it seems like the price may have gone down a little. Either that, or my recollection is shitty, which is quite possible.
- Miyoko's Garlic Herb Cheese Wheel: Super tasty, like a wheel of Boursin, but hella expensive. A nice treat on crackers with vegetables.
- Daiya Chive & Onion Cream Cheez Style Spread: Weird texture, not like cream cheese at all. Weird film in my mouth after. This had been sitting in my fridge a year unfinished and I just threw it out. Make mostly of oils, so it hadn't gone bad, per se, but had dried out. Not a fan.
- Tofutti Better Than Cream Cheese: Not quite cream cheese texture, and lacks that certain tang, but not bad at all (and has a little bit of protein too, since it's made from tofu). Throw some Trader Joe's Everything But the Bagel seasoning on it and you're good to go.
- Violife Epic Mature Cheddar Flavor Block: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet.
- Gardein Seven Grain Crispy Tenders: Listen, these don't taste like much, but I love them. Maybe it's their accessibility (you can find them everywhere), maybe it's their crunch, maybe it's their low price point or the fact that they're relatively low in calorie so you can eat two servings. Who knows? These are my OG vegan nugget, and I love them. They can do no wrong, especially dipped in barbecue sauce.
- MorningStar Farms Chik'n Nuggets: These are... meh. Like, they're not bad but if there are other, better nuggets available, I'll buy those first. These are more of a desperation nugget. Tolerable, but not my favorite.
- Jack & Annie's Crispy Nuggets: These are really new to my local grocery store and they are really good. The outside is like a McDonald's nugget. The inside is almost there, texture-wise, maybe a little too moist, and a bit bland (all the flavoring is in the coating) but these are still really tasty, and a handy thing in the air fryer.
- Quorn Meatless Spicy Patties: I love these. There is almost always a box of these in my freezer, Veganuary or not. They're fucking delicious. I'd rather have these than a chicken patty, any day, hands down.
- Sweet Earth Mindful Chik'n: Oh god this is so gross, even the sauce I covered it with couldn't save it.
- Beyond Sausage Hot Italian: I used these last year to veganize zuppa toscana. They're good, the flavor is there, but be warned, they get a weird, kind of slimy texture when boiled. I think it's the "casing" they use, which is made from algenate. I'd like to eventually try the normal flavor cooked like an Italian sausage.
- Sweet Earth Ginger Scallion Sausage: These are... I go back and forth on these a little, because they have a weird aftertaste and the texture is weird due to the inclusion of seeds, but they're not bad. They're just okay. I bought them because I had a coupon and paired them with roasted vegetables. Need more garlic flavor.
- Gardein Sliced Italian Saus'age: Again, something that is just okay. Good flavor (I threw these into a pasta sauce) but a weird texture kind of like the Sweet Earth ones. I haven't tried them unsauced but I still have some in the freezer I could cook up.
- Sweet Earth Benevolent Bacon: No. Weird texture (it's seitan-based), weird sweet flavor, burns easily. Do not recommend. Sweet Earth does many things right, but not bacon.
- Field Roast Italian Garlic & Fennel: These aren't bad. You have to cut the casing off first, which is annoying, but not a terrible inconvenience. I put these on a pizza. Tasty.
- Tofurkey Plant-Based Hickory Smoked Deli Slices: Definitely not my favorite. I bought them for a sandwich to pack for hiking (I didn't want actual meat because I was afraid it would turn before lunch) and they're meh, but with other things tolerable. Not something I would buy again.
- Sweet Earth Awesome Burger: Of the many things Sweet Earth does right, it's burgers. These are hands-down one of my favorite plant-based faux meat burgers on the market. The price point is affordable, they're available even at my grocery store, and they taste really good and have a great texture. Another plus is that they don't reek to high heavens like Beyond burgers do, they actually smell nice and smoky when cooking. A+, highly recommend.
- Beyond Burger: A really good, solid burger. They smell terrible when you're cooking them, though, but they taste great and have a good texture. I do prefer Sweet Earth, but I definitely like Beyond too, they're just a bit more expensive.
- Gardein Ultimate Plant-Based Burger: These are great. Comparable to the Sweet Earth burgers, slightly lower price point, and you cook them from frozen, which is handy and saves fridge space (but takes freezer space which for me is... premium).
- Dr. Praeger's Sweet Heat Beet Veggie Burgers: Just okay. Definitely doesn't taste like meat, but I don't think they're supposed to. I still have one of these in my freezer taking up valuable space so I might cook it soon. I think I don't reach for it is because it's a little higher in calorie than some of the faux meats are.
- Trader Joe's Turkeyless Protein Patties: Placeholder. In my fridge right now, haven't tried it yet (but excited to, they have good reviews!)
- Sweet Earth Bowls: Another thing Sweet Earth does well are their frozen meals, namely their bowls. I love the General Tso's Tofu, but the Awesome Bulgogi is really good too (although it needs more veggies). I like to grab these from the grocery store on days that I was too lazy to meal prep something for work lunch, since the grocery store near my office has a really good selection of these.
- Sweet Earth Big Sur Breakfast Burrito: I love breakfast burritos and this one is really good. A tad bland, but throw some chili garlic Cholula on it and you're golden. Another thing I like to grab for a quick lazy lunch or dinner, and becoming more readily available (although I usually have to go to Target or Walmart for these).
- Gardein Saus'age & Homestyle Gravy Bowl: I am a northerner that loves sausage and gravy on biscuits and this satisfies a craving. So good. So hard to find most of the time around here, which makes me sad.
- Daiya Meatless Pepperoni Pizza: My first impression of this pizza was taking it out of the box, when I felt like it was sold by a company who actually cared what their product looked like. It looked more like a pepperoni pizza than one made out of meat-based pepperoni, and it had a good, even distribution that weren't all piled in one spot. Cheese distribution was really good too. Aside from the visual appeal, this was tasty. I prefer to experiment with my own pizzas (frozen pizza takes up space in my freezer that just doesn't exist) but this is a nice convenience food for when I'm lazy.
- MorningStar Farms Veggitizers Pizza Bites: These are great. When I want to eat like a 5 year old and want something pizza flavored, I pop a bunch of these in my air fryer and go to town on them. So yummy.
- Planet Oat Frozen Dessert (Specifically, Chocolate Peanut Butter Swirl): Of the non-dairy ice creams I've tried (not just because of Veganuary, but due to lactose intolerance too) this is hands-down the best, and my favorite flavor. It has the texture of dairy ice cream, and manages to be leaps and bounds cheaper than other non-dairy ice creams. I get upset when my flavor is sold out at the store. I wish it came in a size larger than a pint.
- Ben & Jerry's non-dairy PB & Cookies: I am just not sold on this guys. It's okay, but it definitely tastes like it's made with almond milk and the texture is icy, not as creamy, and they are so, so stingy with the peanut butter in this. Like, what the hell guys? I got it because I had a coupon and that's probably the only time I would, because like their regular dairy flavors, it's expensive.
- Oatly Frozen Dessert: Just meh. Kind of icy, not very flavorful. It took me a while to finish up a pint because I just didn't care for it that much.
- Earth Balance Vegan Cheddar Squares: Man, I do love a good square. These are supposed to be the vegan answer to cheez-its. They taste like they could be an off-brand, but in a good way. They do taste cheesy, and are satisfying. What I like most is that they have this light crispness about them that cheez-its don't have. I wish my grocery store had these because I had to find them at Whole Foods, which is a 70 minute drive from my house.
- Hippeas Puffs: These are okay. Weird texture. I thought I had tried a ranch flavor but it's not on their site so maybe it was the white cheddar.
What are your favorite vegan convenience products, and did you have the same thoughts I did? Comment below!
*Debatable