***
Let me tell you the story of the cabbage, a real-life allegory of obsessive thoughts and how they affect day-to-day life.
As I have mentioned, I am at the end of my first class in my graduate certificate in aging and applied thanatology. I have a paper and a written exam due tonight at midnight. I had started my paper earlier in the week and had been picking away at it. After going to the gym yesterday morning, I worked on it, went to a hair appointment, enjoyed the day a little, and submitted it just before 6pm.
I focus better in the evening, so I figured I'd take a little break and start working on my exam.
Rewind to Friday, when I start planning my grocery shopping for the week. I look at sales flyers, store apps, and cash back apps to get an idea of what to make. And there it was, Shaw's was offering green cabbage at 7 cents a pound through the app. Cabbage is nutritious and I've been on a cabbage kick lately (I love it raw) so I planned to buy one.
I thought, maybe after my hair appointment I'd go buy the cabbage. Nah, I'll just wait until I do my shopping on Sunday to run and get one.
The cabbage dominated my mind yesterday, to the point that I realized I would never be able to focus on my exam if I didn't have it. So I went to Shaw's at 9pm, selected my cabbage, grabbed a couple other things, and went home to work.
I know it's silly and irrational. I laugh at it myself, but obsessive thoughts are just one more facet of my disease. I've had much, much worse obsessive thoughts that have been bad enough to damage relationships, but thankfully those are rare.
For those that are wondering, my cabbage only cost 25 cents and it feels like a financial victory. And the obsessive thought is gone.
***
I can't remember if I suffered from obsessive thoughts back when I first started this blog. Maybe they're a newer manifestation of my mental illness, or one I just wasn't aware of. They don't happen super often, and they're almost always (okay probably always) completely irrational, like the obsessive thoughts about the cabbage. The cabbage was fairly innocuous, but it was still all-consuming and disruptive to my daily activities until I could satisfy the though. They're not all so innocuous or easy to quell, and one obsessive thought I had after my trip to Illinois had the potential to severely damage my relationship because my mind took a situation and spiraled so out of control that I even made myself physically ill from it. Even more recently, as I have written about the reopening of the state, I was fueled into a panic attack at work by obsessive thoughts. I even took something I love and have a goal set for-- hiking, specifically hiking 100 miles this year-- and had obsessive thoughts over, when I found myself sitting on the couch on a day off and not in the woods getting miles. I obsessed over it, fell into a shame spiral, and eventually went for a local hike (which turned out nice, and relaxing, but ultimately the hike was due to obsessive thoughts).
I don't know what my point is. I started this blog to bring transparency and honesty to people who suffer from mental illness. I think irrational, obsessive thoughts are something that is largely not discussed in general, because it's something incredibly internal, and sometimes ridiculous, like my obsession with the cabbage. So here it is, I occasionally have obsessive thoughts that can be intrusive, but recognizing the thought when it starts and using healthy coping mechanisms (going for a walk, writing about it, etc.) helps me manage them when they arise.
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