The Story of the Cabbage-- An Allegory for Obsessive Thoughts

Taken from a post I made to my Facebook back in March that I had planned on writing about but forgot to, due to classes/COVID-19/life happening. If you're my friend on Facebook and also read here (and honestly, probably the only ones who read my blog come here from my Facebook), I apologize for the repost:

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Let me tell you the story of the cabbage, a real-life allegory of obsessive thoughts and how they affect day-to-day life.

As I have mentioned, I am at the end of my first class in my graduate certificate in aging and applied thanatology. I have a paper and a written exam due tonight at midnight. I had started my paper earlier in the week and had been picking away at it. After going to the gym yesterday morning, I worked on it, went to a hair appointment, enjoyed the day a little, and submitted it just before 6pm.

I focus better in the evening, so I figured I'd take a little break and start working on my exam.

Rewind to Friday, when I start planning my grocery shopping for the week. I look at sales flyers, store apps, and cash back apps to get an idea of what to make. And there it was, Shaw's was offering green cabbage at 7 cents a pound through the app. Cabbage is nutritious and I've been on a cabbage kick lately (I love it raw) so I planned to buy one.

I thought, maybe after my hair appointment I'd go buy the cabbage. Nah, I'll just wait until I do my shopping on Sunday to run and get one.

The cabbage dominated my mind yesterday, to the point that I realized I would never be able to focus on my exam if I didn't have it. So I went to Shaw's at 9pm, selected my cabbage, grabbed a couple other things, and went home to work.

I know it's silly and irrational. I laugh at it myself, but obsessive thoughts are just one more facet of my disease. I've had much, much worse obsessive thoughts that have been bad enough to damage relationships, but thankfully those are rare.

For those that are wondering, my cabbage only cost 25 cents and it feels like a financial victory. And the obsessive thought is gone.

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I can't remember if I suffered from obsessive thoughts back when I first started this blog. Maybe they're a newer manifestation of my mental illness, or one I just wasn't aware of. They don't happen super often, and they're almost always (okay probably always) completely irrational, like the obsessive thoughts about the cabbage. The cabbage was fairly innocuous, but it was still all-consuming and disruptive to my daily activities until I could satisfy the though. They're not all so innocuous or easy to quell, and one obsessive thought I had after my trip to Illinois had the potential to severely damage my relationship because my mind took a situation and spiraled so out of control that I even made myself physically ill from it. Even more recently, as I have written about the reopening of the state, I was fueled into a panic attack at work by obsessive thoughts. I even took something I love and have a goal set for-- hiking, specifically hiking 100 miles this year-- and had obsessive thoughts over, when I found myself sitting on the couch on a day off and not in the woods getting miles. I obsessed over it, fell into a shame spiral, and eventually went for a local hike (which turned out nice, and relaxing, but ultimately the hike was due to obsessive thoughts).

I don't know what my point is. I started this blog to bring transparency and honesty to people who suffer from mental illness. I think irrational, obsessive thoughts are something that is largely not discussed in general, because it's something incredibly internal, and sometimes ridiculous, like my obsession with the cabbage. So here it is, I occasionally have obsessive thoughts that can be intrusive, but recognizing the thought when it starts and using healthy coping mechanisms (going for a walk, writing about it, etc.) helps me manage them when they arise. 

Black Lives Matter

This has been a very heavy week. With the murder of George Floyd, things have been overwhelming in the world, but it's not a new occurrence and I've written about the murder of an innocent black man at the hands of the police before, and since that post, I've grown more and thought more about racial injustice in this country. I fully support the protests that are happening everywhere because shit has got to change in this country. This country was built on the genocide of indigenous people, the back of Africans that were stolen from their homes, the railroads built by Asian immigrants that were treated no better than slaves. We have a dirty, bloody history of violence and subjugation of nonwhites that is shameful. I've also taken the time to learn more about performative allyship and really stopped to think about what it means to be actively anti-racist. As a white, middle-class woman, I have no place to tell the black community how to feel, protest, mourn, or express themselves. All I can do is shut up and listen and take direction. To educate myself (because it is not on black people, or even my black friends to do that for me). It is my job as to use my nonmarginalized, privileged status to help others. I've also stopped caring about white feelings and have been plucking people off my friends list that use coded, racist language ("thugs"), respond with "all lives matter/police lives matter," or actively praise that shitbag in the White House.

During #BlackoutTuesday, I found myself disappointed. I went to graduate school in part to fight for social justice, especially after my own struggles with poverty and healthcare inequity. To see so many of my former classmates post their black square and then... nothing was, to say the least, disappointing. I did not post a square, but instead I took the time to look at the different charity funds that were set up, to read about performative allyship, to donate, and also to listen to the experiences of black people on social media. I reported hate speech on social media, including anyone who used "alllivesmatter" as a response to the Black Lives Matter movement. I read pieces written by journalists who had been shot at and gassed by the police and subsequently arrested. I also watched clip after clip of unchecked police brutality on peaceful demonstrators. It made me sick, it made me angry, and it made me frustrated with people who constantly respond with "nOt aLL cOpS!" Yes all cops. Because for every cop that beats, murders, or rapes a black person, hispanic person, indigenous person, there are the members of the force that turned a blind eye, who were complicit by doing absolutely nothing to make change. No amount of pro-cop propaganda (look at these cops dancing with kids on the sidewalk! look at these cops kneeling with the protesters!) will make me think that the police force in America is anything but a deeply corrupt institution that needs to be defunded, deconstructed, and replaced with social services that help support communities, to be healthy, safe, with access to equal educational opportunities, access to healthy food, mental health and substance use services, and healthcare, especially predominantly poor communities.

As an ally, it's my place to actively call out racism. It's my place to support and amplify black voices. It's my place to vote out corruption. It's my place to use my privilege as a means to help those that don't have it. I don't say all of this for asspats. I say all of this because as white people, we have never had to fear simply walking down the street, jogging, sleeping in our beds, going to the store, just because of our skin color. Our mothers didn't have to teach us from an early age how to act around police to avoid being assaulted or killed. It breaks my heart when my niece tells me that her best friend says "thank god my son is so light skinned" because fuck that shouldn't even be a concern for a mother with a school-aged child.

Remember, white people, this is not about you, or your feelings. If you go to the protests, remember, you're there to support, so shut up and listen and do as you're told. Have real and frank conversations with your families. Don't brag about donating (I hated to even mention it because I don't like talking about charitable gifts because I don't do it for praise), but don't be silent when it matters the most: when confronting systemic racism in the world around you and when it comes time to vote. Confront your own privilege and make yourself uncomfortable. 

If you are in the position to and want to donate money, here is a huge list to choose from. If you want to step outside of performative allyship and be better, here is an article that can steer you in the right direction. And another list of resources. Don't know how to talk to your kids about what's happening? Here's a resource that may help.