Downward Spiral

Sometimes I need to remind myself that I originally created this blog for a reason, and that was to unpack and examine the feelings and thoughts that arose as I dealt with my disease. I talk about being well-regulated and pride myself on the fact that I am fully functional living with bipolar disorder unmedicated. Some days though, some days I slip into a downward spiral, and instead of unpacking, I let the obsessive thoughts overwhelm me and I instead sit in a puddle of despair. I realized today that I've been edging toward that downward spiral, and it became apparent when I was really rudely blunt to my coworkers over something I could have addressed in a more mature way (and I also could have realized that the irritation I was feeling at the repetitive noise was definitely a byproduct of my disease, as I get easily irritable when I'm cycling). So here it is, and I need to unpack some feelings that have been nagging at my mind for a while, and some I have only brought up in a passive-aggressive way. List form, because lists are comforting to me.

1. I feel isolated and lonely. I am a 37 year old childfree Paganish woman who doesn't know anyone with the same interests I have. All of my friends have kids and their own lives. I largely avoid the local Pagan community because I don't take them seriously yet I crave that feeling of spiritual community.

2. I feel like an afterthought to people. I try and try to reach out to people to do stuff, to no avail. Then I get invited to something last minute, like an afterthought. That sucks.

3. What even is my relationship right now?

4. I don't think I really have a best friend. And I've realized I'm really envious of women who have a best friend that they can always hang out with and talk to. I used to, but as people's live take them in different directions, friendships change. And I get it, I'm a shit friend that pushes people away and avoids people once they have kids. That's my fault.

5. I feel... stuck? That's not quite the right word. But I had grand ideas of getting tech certifications and I just wonder if it's even worth it. I was going to look at job opportunities in other states but I haven't managed to save like I wanted to. And I doubt my own capabilities.

I ate dinner alone at a restaurant tonight. I was thinking about going to the movies alone. I want to go to Iceland in the summer but I don't want to go alone. I hate being alone. I just want to be able to do shit and have fun with people. I kind of wish I was manic. I'm so much more sociable when I'm manic.