I am in a deep depression, friends, and it is bad this time. I have that tight-chest breathlessness of 10 years ago where I feel like I am slowly drowning and can't reach the surface. I feel so fragile, I cry so easily and so often. I'm having a hard time taking care of myself-- all my dishes and silverware are dirty and I can't bring myself to wash them, I eat like crap (but at least, with the amount of ramen I'm consuming it's higher quality stuff and I'm adding vegetables and eggs to it) and have no drive or passion for cooking. The lunches I pack for myself are half-assed with assembly and approach to nutritional value. Everything feels hopeless. Everything feels hard. I get up, go to work, come home, and lay on the couch with Calypso bingeing any BL anime or manga I can find because right now, that's the only thing that makes me even remotely happy or calm. In a couple weeks I'll try to numb the emotional pain with physical pain with a tattoo appointment, but that bit of endorphin-led relief will be very, very fleeting. It's hiking season and I have not yet been out in the woods once, I'm not excited and yearning to be on a mountain peak. I just don't want to do anything.
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