Feeling Small

This weekend, I climbed two mountains (three, if you get technical about it, since it was an out-and-back trail) which resulted in a new highest peak for me at just under 2600 feet. As I sat on the top of the second mountain (which was the highest), overlooking a wind farm, I felt small. 

Insignificant.

And I liked it.

There is something so comforting to me about feeling small in this world. Looking at the overwhelming size of the wind turbines, the height of the mountains, the sheer distance we could see from the top, and there I was, 5'3" of nothing that matters in the grand scheme of things. I know it sounds nihilistic to say but it's true. When I am in nature, I am in my spirituality. Being in nature in and of itself is spiritual practice, so when I say I feel small and insignificant and that it's comforting, it truly is. I am a speck of dust on the Mother's body, which has existed long before me and will continue on after I rejoin her soil in death. Feeling small and being in awe of this world that created me is both humbling and comforting. It's the only way I can think of to express it. 

 

September and October are Manic Months

I realized today, and I'm not entirely sure what made me realize it-- perhaps a Facebook memory triggered the thought-- that I am typically manic in September and October. I have no idea why, since I hate Fall, but it's a recognizable pattern in me. Even today, although I spent most of the day on the couch, my mind was going a mile a minute with ideas of things I could do (sexy photoshoot in my room! cleaning! exercise! baking!) and ultimately doing none of them (okay I did go for a run). I can look back at old Facebook posts and there it is, some tell of a manic episode. And maybe it was spending all morning scrolling through online shopping sites for Halloween accessories that made me recognize this. I've been extremely hypersexual which is honestly frustrating since I haven't seen my partner in almost a year and sometimes a vibrator just doesn't cut it. Why am I so hypersexual this time of year? Is it because September 1st is the start of Halloween for me, and it makes me think of demons and vampires, which makes me thinking of biting, which is one of my fetishes? Inside I feel like a succubus needing to sink her fangs and claws into her partner. I've been spending money and impulse shopping (and again, buying sexy things). All I want to do is shop, lately. And I've been listening to electronic music more, which isn't a manic thing per se, but in the Fall months I usually listen to metal more than anything. I've also been experiencing the more negative side of my mania, which is irritability, but thankfully no rage. Recognizing my manic periods (and patterns) helps me to self-regulate. Understanding that I'm manic can help me not act inappropriately and also keep myself out of situations that would trigger a rage episode. I can't do much about the hypersexuality but at least I don't use a vibrator that uses batteries any more.

What Hiking 100 miles in 108 Days Taught Me

Looking at the Bigelow range from Flagstaff Lake

Since all travel was restricted this year due to COVID-19, I decided in May that I was going to hike 100 miles this year, and I even took vacation time to go hike in order to beat the crowds. I didn't set a time limit for completion, and didn't disqualify duplicate hikes (you can see I visited some trails a couple times). If it was a mountain or a forest trail, the miles were counted and it went in the journal. I bought a state park pass (and used it all of two times, ha) so that I could take advantage of some of Maine's state parks. As a result of this goal, I hiked more mountains than ever before-- a total of 7, although I didn't summit all of them-- and even did some with my sister (we just won't discuss how every time I hike with her I fall). I really challenged myself to do harder, longer hikes, and as a result I beat last year's highest peak twice: first with Rumford Whitecap (which was also my sister's new highest) and then Mt. Zircon at 2,240 feet, which doesn't sound very high to experienced hikers and mountain climbers, but it was 452 feet higher than my last year's highest. So what did all this hiking teach me, if anything?

From the overlook on Borestone

• I will whine the entire way up a mountain, especially when it's steep, but I love the way my legs feel. I love the feeling of used muscles, and how they're a little tired after a rest.
• I really belong in nature. I feel most alive when I'm out in the woods
• I also really prefer being alone. I do enjoy hiking with my sister, but sometimes I just want it to be me and the forest. I get annoyed when I can hear other people on the trail.
• Hiking on day 1 or 2 of my period is fucking amazing for cramps. Honestly. I'm on my period now and wish I could've skipped out on work to go hike because I've been having miserable cramps.
• I am capable of doing more than I give myself or my ability credit for
• I can and will take a fun goal and have destructive, obsessive thoughts about it
• I'd like to upgrade my backpack to one that has a waist/hip strap for better support
• Water is heavy and bottles are hard to arrange in a backpack so that they are comfortable, and I want to eventually upgrade to a bladder
• I really can't trust any dog, especially a loose one, that I see on the trail (I got bitten)
• I feel real and true joy and gratitude for nature, which I have expressed before

Just because I've reached my 100 mile goal, I'm not done hiking. I plan on hiking until it gets too miserable out to continue, but I don't plan on winter hikes. No thank you. Plus, I don't want to invest in winter gear. What I will need to invest in is some blaze orange if I'm going to hike this fall, since some public lands allow hunting, and I don't want to be mistaken for a deer. Will I set goals for next year? Probably. I don't know if I will increase the mile count, but one thing I'd like to do is learn to camp so I can do some multi-day hikes, perhaps along sections of the Appalacian Trail or the Maine Huts and Trails network. I also want to try more challenging mountains and take advantage more of the state parks (and Acadia, which I've never been to, in my whole life of being a Mainer). One thing I do know is that I want to spend as much time out in the woods as I can for as long as I can, and that hiking is going to be a permanent lifestyle choice going forward.